FlipitTypes TV - Recaps, Gossip, and Trash Talk

This week on American Idol, Yoko got another free plug and I ate over 10,000 depression calories. Thanks, Nigel!

Being rich means never having to say you’ll practice proper hair maintenance.

Fifty one million votes came in for last night’s craptacular “rock” episode, which both scares the bejeezus out of me and makes me hope that 49 million of those calls were from irate Americans demanding an excuse from Nigel for the charisma free zombies we are left with after stadiums full of singers auditioned last Summer. If you’re not pissed, you should be. This show is making this country seem extremely watered down and uninteresting talent wise, and we know that’s just not the case.

Wait. What was I saying?

Tink adds that the top three vote getters were within one million votes of each other, which means nothing to me. I am still stuck on fifty one million votes. Damn. Maroon Five will be here tonight, as will BO BICE?!?!? Is it too late to call in sick? T.Vo! ANSWER YOUR PHONE!
Tink calls Randy out on being mean to Syesha and making her cry, and I applaud Randy for showing America that the girl is actually human, since she’s been unable to do that herself the past couple of months. Randy says that he didn’t make her cry, Paula did by being so understanding of her emotional journey. Riiiiight. In other news, Paula is dressed like an extra from Tony n’ Tina’s Wedding.

Cute beret or hideous shoulder poof? Let’s let fifty one million people decide.

Paula tries to be calm and professional and say something touching, but it just sounds like bad formalwear. Tink asks what was up Simon’s butt last night and he says that the song choices sucked ass. Agreed. To remedy that, “Reelin in the Years” is is chosen for the group number. Yikes.
The Fetus looks terrified about nailing the rhythm, but he does fine. When it’s Castro’s solo turn, he starts blowing bubbles with his spit. Professional, dude. The most notable thing about this performance (besides the AMAZING choreography, of course) is the forty tracks playing behind the final four. Subtle. There’s one Syesha, but a whole choir of girl voices. LOL. This show isn’t even taking itself seriously.
Poor Syesha gets stuck next to Castro at one point and he messes up her moves because he’s doing them wrong. Fetus motions to the back panels, which open to reveal…some guy playing a guitar. It took me a minute to figure out it wasn’t Bo Bice because I was covering my head in terror. And look! In the audience! Talk about reelin’ in the years…

Nancy Reagan is still kickin!

After that musical master class, Tink leads us through a recap of last night. Just in case you missed it…

Tink tells us that it’s time to crush someone’s dream. YAY! The Fetus is out first, and he mumbles and stutters and smiles and gee gollies. Tink asks him what his game plan was and he smiles all cute and sucks on an inhaler. Seriously, I would tell you what he really said, but I couldn’t tell. He and Paula should have a televised dinner together and confuse the hell out of all of us. Fetus, of course, is safe. And just in case Shamu comes and splashes the safety couch, he’s wearing a plastic jacket.

Better safe than sorry. Thanks, Ross!

This week’s shameless plug is for The Cirque Du Soleil show, Love, which is a Beatles fest. The final four were flown to Vegas on a private jet, which the Fetus describes as “the nicest plane I’ve ever seen”. You don’t say. When they get off the plane, Castro is almost gang raped by a gaggle of fat tweens before he and the other three are taken to the dolphin habitat. Syesha talks in a five year old voice and squeals about loving dolphins and unicorns, and then some stick of a homo grabs them all and “makes them over”. Syesha’s Sideshow Bob hair is accentuated, perfume is sprayed on Castro’s nasty ass dreads, and Cook and the Fetus are given Tink’s three years ago fauxhawk. Way to represent, gay guy. I bow my head in shame and press pause. Thank god I have some cookie batter. I need it.

Fetus! Your bad haircut has grown another forehead with an equally bad haircut! Stay away from skinny queens in Vegas. That’s where we send the worst offenders.

The kids watch the show (which is done with remastered versions of the Beatles originals), and when it’s done, they all sigh like oh shit, so that’s how those songs go. As they leave the theater, Yoko is standing there saying thank you to everyone who dropped two hundred bucks for the show and offering to sell them locks of Lennon’s hair for a thousand bucks a pop.
Back on the Idol stage, Cook is the next to be called out. I know I’ve said this already in this recap, but poor Syesha. The torture never ends. Randy tells Cook just to keep being original (LOL) and he will do fine. Cook says that he was feeling a little out of it yesterday and it threw off his performance. Whatevs. He’s safe.
Tink brings Sy and Castro on stage and the tension is high…then Castro asks “you’re gonna tell us now?” No, dumbass, it’s a commercial break. He laughs and says “it’s too early!” Quick, that one. This week’s Ford commercial is to the song “Ring of Fire” by mister Johnny Cash, and if he wasn’t rolling over in his grave, it’s because he was too drunk. For some reason, everyone’s in psychedelic bullfighting costumes. Oh, I get it! Instead of a bull, they’re fighting a car! If you weren’t rooting for the Ford Mustang to run them all over, you weren’t paying attention. No one comes off well in this one, but Cook and Castro get screwed the hardest. Cook looks like a beer bellied dad at a circus wedding and Castro…well….

Is that your belly button or are you happy to see me?

Viewer questions! Emily from Pennsylvania asks Cook if he will go on a date with her when he plays in her town. YIKES. She even sounds fug. He squirms and asks for the producers to play that Ford video again so Emily’s boner can go down. Sarah, 14, asks everyone what their biggest challenge to overcome has been. Syesha says her grating personality, the Fetus says his evil father and his lung issue, Cook doesn’t answer (forehead) and Castro says it’s his dead brain. LOL. You can say what you want about Castro, but at least he’s amusing.
Allison from South Carolina asks Simon why he hasn’t been knighted by the Queen. He says because he told her once that she looked like an old rotten thumb that had spent too long in a hot tub. Well, that’s an understandable reason, you brute. Another caller asks him if he’s ever been asked to play James Bond. He answers that yes, Gold Bond does a great job with his athlete’s foot. Tink would have repeated the question, but we have a lot of time to fill with useless bs, so let’s bring on Maroon 5!
They’re singing “If I Never See Your Face Again”, which is the most perfect choice for an elimination episode EVAH!! Adam Levine pulls out that Minnie Mouse voice that has made him millions and I wish that I hadn’t just eaten a tube of cookie dough, because I can’t tell if it’s this crap song making me sick or my own gluttony. Probably a little bit of both. When he’s done, I unmute the TV right when he’s explaining to Tink that he sang solo today, but it’s Rihanna on the album with him. Sweet! Don’t ever do that without her again, please. It hurts. His advice to the kids? You’re gonna have to work your asses off and then you’re gonna get all jaded and bitter and stop eating and then wonder why you were born but just keep working. Uh…thanks?

The dolphins in Vegas would totally get this performance.

Next up is Bo Bice, who still refuses to use any kind of hair product. His song is the same one he told us about earlier in the year in the “are they working at Denny’s yet?” episode, and it’s just as awesome. “I need a witness when you talk to me.” Let me guess, you wrote that yourself. The song is stoooopid as ever, but I have to say, at least the guy is credible as a rocker. He could start choking on his own vomit right now and I don’t think anyone watching would bat an eyelash. No faux hawk for BICE. I swear I tried to pay attention to this song but all I heard is “people die of weed and ha la every day”. HUH? I wouldn’t have it any other way.
When he’s done, he tells Tink that he’s thankful to Idol and all that good stuff. He is asked what he thinks of the contestants being allowed to use instruments this year, and he says that it’s good but bad and it helped and hurt and good bad yay boo who the hell knows where am I is Amanda here?
Finally! Something entertaining happens! A commercial for Bones comes on. This week Ace Young will get his head chopped off. LOL and YAY!!!

Can I have it?

Back to the show. Castro and Sy are brought on stage to listen to the judge’s comments again. Castro says that he did, in fact, pack his bags after Simon told him to and adds that someone pulled him aside after the show and told him that he shot the tambourine man. LOL, random uncredited wiseass. He says that he is sucking so hard because he is inexperienced, and I really like this kid right now. Syesha is sweet and humble too, which makes my job really boring. Shocker, Castro’s out. In his parting video, we are shown a love story that has been untold until tonight, and it breaks my heart.

Finally! Someone who understaaaaaands!!!

Time for his bye song, but no music starts. He threatens to do a monologue, so the band caves and starts playing. I have never seen a more jubilant goodbye number. He is thrilled to be given the axe. If he had shown this much charisma and personality the past three weeks he would have had a serious fighting chance, but he didn’t want it. The kid has talent, and it has been sad watching him give up. That said, it’s also kinda awesome to see someone get a shot at what Nigel would describe as the American dream and realize it’s all a load of bullshit. So for that, I will always love him. Besides, how can you not have some warm feelings for the guy who, after Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber dissed him for choosing to sing “Memory”, responded with “I didn’t know that song was sung by a cat.” LOLOLOLLLLLLL. Thanks, Castro. And remember, guys, next time you see him singing with a hat out in front of Pinkberry, drop some coin.

For ten cents a day, this child could live a very happy life.