FlipitTypes TV - Recaps, Gossip, and Trash Talk

Tink descends from the sky into the now massive studio and gives us a wink. Tonight, there will be a new set! New lights! Platforms and lifts and globes and screens and mosh pits!!! One question. Would it have killed you to add a pitch pipe into your budget? Welcome to the finals! This! Is American Idol!

Since I didn’t get to recap last week’s get the f off the stage forever results show, I have to start this recap by thanking Mr. Blake Lewis. Sure, last year I ragged on him for his busted ass argyle sweaters and not being able to get through one song without hitting crap off key notes more than eighty percent of the time, but after his appearance last Thursday night, all I can say is wow. Blake may be the most vocally depraved of any second place winner in AI history, but the boy is one mad tiny dancer. Go, Blake!

Click to play.

Now back to tonight’s special edition of EVERYTHING’S NEEEEWWWW!!! Finally, Nigel took some change out of his Coca Cola piggy bank and had a new set built. It reminds me of a place I used to go play lazer tag as a kid, and I wish I had my own little spot high up next to the band where I could take aim at the contestants who give me nightmares. Just because Noriega’s gone does not mean I’m safe, and frankly a gun would make me feel way more comfortable. Just in general.
There are other changes too. Simon’s showing overly tanned chicken skinned cleavage (not new) but he’s also wearing white! And now in front of the judges table there are what looks like a fifty or so screaming teenage girls in what Tink says is the new “mosh pit”. Fuck yeah, American Idol. My only complaint is that this wasn’t here last year. How awesome would it have been to see a tiny starving boy from the African Boys Choir being bounced above the audience while Spanx sang “This is My Now”? The best we can hope for now is that Chikese takes a dive and breaks a couple of necks mid “woooooooooo!!!”
Since everything’s so brand spankin’ new, Nigel has decided to open up a brand spankin’ new songbook. Honestly, I don’t think the songbook of Rosemary Clooney has been properly exploited yet, so my fingers are crossed. Darn! It’s just Lennon and McCartney. My first thought is HOLY CRAP those guys are GODS. My second thought is Yoko Ono is one mean bitch. Ok ok, she agreed to the Cirque Du Soleil show LOVE. Some people said she was a greedy ho then (and it wasn’t the first time), but the show was awesome and it was artistic. And it was remixes of the originals. But American Idol? Really? Is your Volvo payment late? Lennon was probably trying to kick open his grave tonight, but you know Ono had this all planned a long time ago.

One day, my love, after Vietnamese Quadruplets juggle babies to the tune of “Fix a Hole”, a go go boy will go on national TV and take a poo all over “I Saw Her Standing There”. Then I will go to Disneyland.

Since this year is going to be less about the guest mentors and more about really getting to know the contestants (why, God?), we are treated to a long ass personal video about Syesha. She goes to school and is also a “working actress”. Could you be a little more specific? So far, I’ve been under the impression that Syesha is arrogant and kinda sucky, but this video makes her seem super sweet and genuine.

What was I thinking?

Then she comes out with an ice pick, walks right up to “Got To Get You Out of Head”, and stabs it 97 times. She seemed so sweet! The arrangement is all horns, bebop and cheese, which doesn’t help the girl. She snaps off rhythm, rolls her head, and sings really loudly, and boy does she hit some stinkers. She gets better in the middle, but it doesn’t end well. She could be the nicest, most genuine girl in the world, but that sucked big donkey huevos.
Randy isn’t too thrilled by the performance, but he’s nice about telling her she’s stiff and off key. Paula says at first there it was good but then “there was pitch.” That’s always helpful in a song. Simon thinks it was better than alright, she just looked like she was gonna lay an egg and she needs to calm down. It was better than the sonar labotomy she gave us last week. Congrats, hon!
Chikeze is a security screener at LAX. Why the hell would I root for the guy who made me throw away my venti iced nonfat no whip no ice mocha before I boarded Southwest Hellines last Christmas? Well, because he’s sweet as pie and he’s got this woman for a mama.

LOVE

Chik tells Tink that since everyone at work knows that he auditioned for AI, they always made sure he got to screen Paula every time she came through security. That’s creepy, but of course Paula wets herself and blows kisses and waves at no one in particular. Chik assures us that Paula is always on her best behavior at the airport, but anyone who watched the woman walk around aimlessly asking strangers for change and holding up entire planes because her assistant didn’t pack comfortable enough jeans for a two hour flight on last year’s Hey, Paula! knows that that’s a big fat lie.
He tells Tink that he thought he was going home last week, because who doesn’t love Noriega? LOL. Tink’s only reaction is this severely gay snap.

That bitch was THTH, girl.

Chick sings “She’s a Woman”. At first he starts by paying tribute to “O Brother Where Art Thou?”, and then he rocks it out. Talk about making a song your own. He kills this one. The only bad thing came in an off kilter mating call at the very end, but damn. Right on, Chik! And just last week I thought he should go back to his bartender job on the Love Boat.

Ditch those losers and take your act on the road, man!

Randy barks and rolls over and slobbers all over himself and then Paula brings up “O Brother Where Art Thou”. Ugh. I’m on the same wasted stoned ass page as Paula tonight. Come in! Water’s crazy! She ends with “the reward’s paid off. The reward’s paid off.” Repeating it doesn’t make it right, Pnut. Simon says that he’s surprised he agrees with the dodo birds next to him and thinks Chik gets better by the week and knocked this one out. Chick screams and bounces up and down and walks it off while Tink fltters around him like they’re in a boxing ring, but he never gets close enough to get squashed. Tink ain’t no dummy. He hoots and hollers and does this kinda black talk thing, and it’s ignorantly adorable.
Ramiele is up next, and every time she talks I start thinking of all the sushi she could be bringing me if she’d just stop with this whole “following your dream” thing and get back to work. I don’t know what the hell her story was…something about smelling like soy sauce. She’ll be singing “In My Life” and she’ll be thinking about all those close to her that have already left the show cough Noriega cough. Seriously? Give me a break. There are plenty of swish in the sea.
I’ve been up and down with this girl. She’s got a great personality and she’s cute as a bug, but usually she reminds me of an underpaid karaoke hostess at the end of her long, over sung shift. Tonight, though, her voice is soft and subtle, and she’s not using that heavy, slow Karen Carpenter warble that she and Noriega have in common. Friends in legato vibrato til the end! She isn’t terribly exciting tonight, but the song kicks ass and she does a sweet rendition. Not to mention the girl can pose her ass off. This is how I make people take pictures of me. It’s good for the double chin, FYI.

Lassie, please tell someone to get me out of this well!

Randy was bored and Paula opens her critique with “You’re lovely tonight”, which as we all know by now, is her way of saying “my voice is generated by a twenty two year old program on a Mac, and I coulda done better than that.” She says she needs to “show the rest of the world what we hear”. Simon suggests that she doesn’t know what she’s talking about so Paula tries to explain herself and just makes the whole thing worse. She had it right the first time. Make your voice as pretty as you, chica. Ramiele pouts as Simon tells her he slipped into a coma half way through, and it seems to work because he ends with “you’re better than that”, which is really sweet if you think about it.
Tink asks Simon if it was Ramiele’s fault or John Lennon’s, and Simon falls into the trap and says that she was boring and so was the song. Good luck getting Yoko’s boot out of your ass at the end of the show, brave one. Randy shouts “booooorrrring” again and we cut to commercial as Ramiele pouts.
I like Jason Castro because he looks like the kinda guy who’s door you can always knock on to ask for weed. He talks about going to A and M and failing music class in a goofy, comfortably uncomfortable with life sort of way, and I wish he would just shut up and puff puff give. He sings “If I Fell In Love” with only his acoustic guitar to accompany him at first, like a rich hippie with a vintage fedora on the ground outside PinkBerry. I don’t like yogurt flavored ice cream or giving money to beggars, so he’s on my bad side tonight. If I was in the mosh pit I would start pelting him with quarters.

Go beg in an alley like a normal hobo. I’m trying to stomach my nasty ass yogurt treat, here.

He starts off rocky, but the band eases in and he starts getting into it. He has a really original voice and plays around a bit with his falsetto and ends up doing a great job. I’m officially sold when he buttons the performance with a Jackie Gleason impression.

To the moon!

Randy thinks it was ok but didn’t like that he messed with the melody. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Paula disagrees with Randy, and Simon and I both roll our eyes and say “Really? That’s a first” at the same time. She can feel his heart and thinks his tight ass and emotional connection with the songs he picks will get him private calls in the middle of the night and kudos from America.
Simon questions Paula’s emotional connection remark, but she can’t stop giving the kid googly eyes so he gets to his own critique. Last week was brilliant, this week sucked it. He thinks Jason sounds like “a student in his bedroom at midnight” and should do his best to not bone it next week. Tink suggests that at midnight Simon should leave the student’s room. LOL, fairy. Simon gets mad but has no response, and Tink calls him out on not writing enough random comebacks to lobby for the night.
Carly Smithson comes out next, and Tink asks her what it’s like being Amanda’s roommate. She says they are having a grand ole time, but I can just imagine Amanda sitting there staring at Carly with a little confused smile on her face like “what the hell is this chick saying?”

Huh?

Carly is a waitress and/or bartender seven days a week and on Saturday nights she sings with her band. I like the rags to riches to rags story. I just don’t know how I’ll feel if it turns into a rags to riches to rags to riches story. Unless it goes back to rags again really fast. Watching people get rich sucks, but watching them turn poor is really fun. Anyhoo, one of the songs Carly sings with her band is “Come Together”, and it’s fitting that she’s reminding us she’s been practicing for this moment for years.
Say what you will about the general unfairness of an already signed, promoted and failed artist being on this show in the first place. I’m just glad there’s a girl who can SANG. She wails this song and doesn’t miss a note. As usual, she kicks ass. Randy is amazed, Paula is stunned, and Simon says that this reminds him of this very same week six years ago when another waitress kicked ass on this stage. Miss Kelly Clarkson. That was of course before Kelly went on to record one of Carly’s failed songs on her first album. Ah, the circle of life. The song is called “Just Missed the Train” and you can hear both versions on…you guessed it! iTunes!! Listen to both samples and tell me you aren’t at least a little creeped out.

Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this.

The last commercial before the next song reminds me of where I’ve seen David Cook before.

Cook sings “Elenor Rigby” and he does an Emo cover band version of it. I don’t really have much to say about this one because I find David kinda blah and run-o-the-mill faux rock. Also, he winks at the audience, which makes me insane. Love the song, hate his version. I’m not so into it, but the judges love it. Randy didn’t like the beginning, but when he got to the chorus he rocked it out. Paula says he’s the dark horse and she’s been saying all along there were a lot of horses this year. LOL and agreed, Paula. Randy asks her what kind of horse Simon would be and they agree on donkey. Simon’s look says it all.

Could we hire at least one person that’s not a fucking moron to sit next to me?

He calls the performance brilliant and says that if this show becomes a show about talent rather than popularity, David could win. That’s a big if, but Cook takes it. Coming back from break, Simon and Tink are gossiping like little girls. The music stops and they continue on. Wouldn’t wanna hold you two up. Snap to it, Marys!
Brook White is all innocent goodness, sweetness, and crazy eyes. I would find her completely boring but it seems like there’s a really entertaining nervous breakdown in there and I want to see it. She sings “Let it Be”, which is a real perty song, but let’s face it, bo-ring. She plays the piano with what looks like great difficulty and tries to sing from her gut. The song just repeats itself over and over again, and she misses the same notes over and over again. It’s not painful to listen to, but neither is a washing machine. My point is, I send my laundry out to get done so I don’t have to deal with the monotony.
When Brooke finishes, she does that gee golly that touched me y’all thing she does before dropping it and giving the audience crazy eye.

Not buyin’ it, lady.

She doesn’t need me, because the judges love it. Randy says it’s simple and beautiful, Paula says she feels her heart (talk about looping) and Simon calls it one of the best performances of the night. Huh? Brooke isn’t wearing her shoes, and when Tink fetches them for her, all three judges shout at him to not try to steal them. Foiled again! He comes back by calling Simon gay. These two need a new act. Brooke doesn’t like that her touching moment has spiraled into homophobic gay dudes scratching their balls for America, and she tries to get back her earnest emotey face for just one last second.

Performance BiPolarism takes the lives of over one hundred thousand karaoke singers a year.

Tink tells us that the finale will be at a new venue this year and David Hernandez might be there. The audience is quiet for a second, and then they all start laughing their asses off. Wait. Was that just me? That was loud. Anyhoo, Hernandez tells us that he’s from the same town as Spanx, which is the final nail in his Flipit coffin. I am still scarred by that girl.
He’s ready for tonight because he took a Beatles class in college. LOL. How much does that school cost, exactly? David studies broadcast journalism, so he would be running the interview if he “things would went sour with the singing”. Riiiight. Get those britches off and shake your money maker, tiger. Unfortunately, he decided to would went with the singing instead.
David has turned in some pretty good performances so far this year, but this isn’t one of them. He sings “I Saw Her Standing There” like he’s doing a really awkward out of breath Cher impression. It doesn’t help that he always looks like he’s about to get hit by a bus.

Oh, no, Mr. Bill!

He avoids every single falsetto note. Why choose a song with so many, then? He does his riffy belt thing a lot and none of it makes sense. It’s a shame, because it would be nice to finally have a gay stripper hold the the title. Represent, Hernandez!
Randy thinks it was over done, Paula repeats a dumbed down version of Randy’s sentiments, and Simon thinks he better learn the trick with the ping pong balls if he ever wants to make money in the entertainment business again. David says he would do things differently if he could turn back time.
During commercials, I find out that Blake Lewis is gonna be on the local news tonight talking about how mortified he was at last year’s finale when he found out he was gonna have to sing “This is My Now”. LOL. Wouldn’t wanna hurt your cred in the spit singing community.
OK, what the hell did they do to Amanda? She’s had a major renovation. She’s lost weight, she’s gained extensions, and she’s smiling her face off. Even Tink is confused.

What exactly did they do to you back stage?

I love when Amanda is asked about her personal life, because it’s always unabashedly white trashy. I don’t think anything will ever top the “I got hit by a semi before I got to Hollywood. Sorry, dude” story, but it brings a smile to my face to know that her family bonds by riding Harleys together. Man. My family just played Scrabble. I am so goddamn lame. She doesn’t pretend to know anything about the Beatles and admits freely that she had never heard “You Can’t Do That” before this week.
As usual, she nails it. She shouts, screams, and tells off whoever the poor sap is she’s singing to. She channels Janis and Elvis and the girl plainly just doesn’t give a crap what anyone thinks. I LOVE HER. Randy loved it too, Paula blabbers on about nothing and then while Simon tries to tell Amanda that it wasn’t as good as last week, Paula keeps on mumbling before getting upset and telling him not to disrespect her after he orders her to shut up. Then she keeps laughing and babbling to Randy while Simon talks. God. Shut your face, woman! Simon says Amanda’s a breath of fresh air but, like the twit beside him, she slurs all her words and he doesn’t know what she’s talking about. LOL. That’s the point, I think.
Michael Johns is up next with “Across the Universe”. I would tell you about his personal life, but it’s basically all whispering and teaching old fat dudes how to play tennis. He does say, though, that you’re not a true musician if the Beatles don’t affect your work, and I cross my fingers that Amanda will come out and smash his guitar down on his head for that one.
He does a pretty straight up version of the song, and his voice is solid and great. I even got a little teary. I forget that this guy’s even on this show, but every time he comes out I’m pleasantly surprised. Who needs a personality when you can sing like that? Album: Sold. Randy thinks it was boring and uninventive, and Paula says that it takes balls to call yourself a singer and then come out and just stand there and sing. Go figure, Paula. Simon agrees with Randy and says that Johns should have done something more like…what’s the Irish girl’s name? Cough bullshit cough. We get it. You haven’t been planning on bringing Carly on the show for a couple of years. Yay for new discoveries. Could you stick to this one? Back to the subject at hand, Simon was bored.

Dig deeper.

Kristi Lee Cook is a really beautiful girl with perfect teeth and a sweet demeanor. Her backstory is all riding horses and lovin’ her mama, which is cutzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I’m dreaming of Alvin and the Chipmunks doing a ho down version of “Eight Days a Week”. John Lennon comes in with an air rifle and starts knocking the little rascals off their pedestals at the Chuck E. Cheese jamboree and then mothers and children start screaming and running in circles and causing pandemonium. When I open my eyes, Kristi is staring at me in that “where the hell am I and will someone call my mommy?” look she gets on her face.

Line!

It’s one thing to make a song your own, it’s another to turn an American classic into a commercial for Dollywood. Kristi Lee tries real hard, though. She has some practiced riffs that she almost hits and that should count for something. Somewhere. To someone.
Randy is confused and doesn’t really know what to say. He half liked it. Paula hated it so much that she doesn’t even say “you’re pretty”. Simon says it was horrendous and she sounded like Dolly Parton on Helium. LOL. Two Dolly mentions in one recap. You’re welcome. Kristi Lee has the best argument I have ever heard on this show. “I liked it!” Well, I’m glad it worked for you, hon. You ain’t never buyin that horse back.
Tink and Simon start bitching at each other and Tink says that when he’s host he can do whatever he wants. Yawn. During the commercials I learn that Mary Anne from Gilligan’s Island just got busted for Mary Jane possession. This is turning out to be a great night on the local news.

You shoulda listened to Locke and stayed on the island. There was another smoke monster there.

The last recap I wrote of this show was called “The Feat of the Fetus”, and it was all about this amazing pint sized womb dweller who could sing like an angel. I felt that I would most likely end up not liking the kid, because earnest and sweet really don’t go over well with me. Last week, when Simon semi-dissed his droll, stale performance, the Fetus responded that he chose the song because “people are starving” and he wanted to educate us all about it. And that’s when I started to turn. What a gross answer.
He tells us in his intro video that he is nervous about tonight’s show because he didn’t ever listen to music from the 60’s when he was a kid last week and the only song he recognized on the list was “We Can Work It Out”. He loves the version by Stevie Wonder. He’s really scared to do it, though. At first I figured he was being faux humble. You know how when people insist they suck but then they’re fantastic? Nope. I actually feel really terrible for him watching this.
He starts on the stairs and does this crotch gyrating thing that makes my soul hurt. He’s visibly uncomfortable, and then he forgets the words. And then he forgets the words again. And again. Wait, he’s gonna save it by going into his falsetto, and he bones it. He starts getting it together towards the end but then stumbles on a riff and screeches out a falsetto note. OUCH. The little girls are screaming loud as ever, and for a second I have to wonder if they are as horrified as I am. Nope. They’re just screaming.

In three minutes you’ve shat on both John Lennon and Stevie Wonder. Keep it up and I’m throwing myself down the stairs, Fetus!

Randy takes a minute and then says “uhhhhhh…..”. Paula follows that with “we still love ya” and then motions to the screaming girls who…scream. Simon says that he has to be fair to everyone (riiiiiight) and that if he had tried that on Star Search, he never would have won.
And that’s it! What do you guys think? I have a feeling Kristi Lee and Shake Your Moneymaker are outta there, but Syesha could get the boot too. Thoughts?