Big Brother: No Bueno

Tonight on Big Brother, I became a cutter.

Say it ain’t so!

The Chen is adorable in her little white sweater and knee high black boots, and it’s really hilarious hearing her give Operation Condor credence by saying it over and over again. Dumbest alliance ever? You wouldn’t know it from the way she’s acting. Whatevs, lady. As long as they don’t repeat the clip of Hobo Hank making that screechy cawing sound over and over again, I’ll be fine. At first it was annoying, but when he tried to lure Chelsia into bed last episode by using that screech mixed in with baby voice mixed in with repeated requests for loose change, it passed annoying and became downright creepy for me.
Matt and Alex are conflicted, because they are in bro love and don’t want to have to campaign against each other this week. Instead, they do a musical number.

Amanda stumbles into the kitchen and in her best “I’m sick like Julia Roberts in Steel Magnolias so don’t get mad at me for eating peanut butter” voice, comes into the kitchen with ITALIA printed on her butt and rummages through the fridge for anything that’s not slop. As you may remember, Amanda went into convulsions after her blood sugar dropped in the last episode and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I was worried while it was happening, because I am kind of in love with her on some weird level. But now, in flashback, it’s kind of funny watching Hobo Hank get called a hero for offering her a glass of milk and seeing Moose freaking out and trying to make things ok with the offer of a big square bowl and cartoon-like bugged out eyes. LOL, Moose. I can’t wait til this guy is married and waiting in the delivery room for his first Moose baby to pop out.

Push, Ma! I’ve got a bowl of Cheerios for you if my baby makes it out alive!

Natalie comforts Amanda while Chandler Bing with his teeth punched out watches from afar, visibly annoyed. Nat is in like with Alex, so why does she get more busted with each episode? I know you’re in lockdown, but take care of those split ends, girl! Drowned rat look aside, I can’t help but think if the real Cheri O’Teri got cans like these installed, she’d work a lot more.

Oh darn. My contacts are dried out and I forgot my saline at home. Would you mind?

Matt sits outside with Moose and gets a vote promise. At least that’s what I think happens. All I can hear is “bro, yo, yeah, yo bro hells yeah yo bro”. Moose, smooth operator that he is, also says he will try and sway everyone in the house. There’s a weapon you want in your arsenal. Moose could sell ice to an eskimo.

Take the ice, ya retahd!

Allison lies on a deck chair and eats while she glares at Matt and Nat working out. Seeing all that weight lifting, Allison realizes that the roofuh and the bikini barista are strong. Quick on her feet, that one. I’m not saying I want Amanda to have another reaction and possibly die or anything, but I have to admit I liked it when her tongue was too swollen to talk.
She comes up with a brilliant plan and makes her way up to the HOH suite, where she tells those assembled that maybe since Matt and Nat have been eating real food all week, they are stronger than Alex and Amanda. This short circuits Moose’s brain. He doesn’t want to mess with Operation Condor (LOL. That will always make me laugh) and can only mumble “CAW CAW” to himself under his breath. Hobo Hank, on the other hand, is drunk with power and tells us that he might just put CAwCAw on hold to form a new alliance called “Bro Down”. Hasn’t he already done that film? PS, James. Do whatever you want, but please do it with pants on. Those pink short shorts are killin me.

EW. I would like to make it through this hour with my homosexuality in tact.

Matt tells Nat privately that they’re screwed unless she can convince Joshuah and Sharon to vote for their safety. He gives her some surefire arguments, like “if you vote for us, we’ll keep you safe next week!” and “I’ll blow you in night vision”. Good ones, roofuh. She goes to her good friends and uses the tactics he outlined, and Joshuah assures her that they’ve been friends since day one and she has nothing to worry about. When she leaves, he makes the finger throat slash sign to Sharon. What, were there no razors available? Darn. Maybe next time.
Ryan and Allison talk about how sweet they’ve got it this week, and then they try to strategize. Since neither one of them really knows how, Allison just stares at him like he’s a slice of cheese for her cracker while he sweats for no apparent reason. What’s with the facial hair today? I get the JWahl faux jawline trick, but he’s shaved it almost vertically today. Why midget face, you’re practically disappearing in front of our eyes.

Is that Brad Pitt?

Sheila and Moose get all cuddly in the diary room and she tells us that she would be sad to see Alex go and threatens to cry if Moose keeps saying he’s out. These two grossed me out the most at first, but together, they kind of work.

Sometimes, two wrongs do make a right.

The bot gathers the HGs in the living room. She reminds Sheila that she and Allison were great friends before Sheila turned into a raving insecure bitch of a woman scorned. What gives? And why doesn’t she wear makeup every day? She actually looks kinda hot. For Sheila. Answer: Shelia is medicated now and besides, she knows she can just find whatever Allison’s allergic to and kill the bitch if she’s ever crossed again. Aw! Friendship.
Question: Hobo Hank, when Amanda went down you rang the buzzer and gave her milk. What does it feel like to be a national hero? Answer: Iraq? IROCK! As long as no one asks, he’s not tellin’. Moving on.
Question: Alex, are you less of a dick now that Amanda almost died? Answer: No.
In bed, Chelsia stares at James and asks him about himself. Uhoh. No good can come from this. Hobo Hank says he travels around the world on his bike with pamphlets that say “James is traveling for peace and prosperity. Every bag of Peanut M and M’s you purchase from him will help us all reach our goal of world peace.” Then, in a clip, his big bearish friend at a bar tells us that James’ nickname is “Crazy James” because he always brings fleas into the bar and, well, he rides his bike around the world passing out pamphlets and selling Peanut M and M’s. Back in bed, James tells Chelsia that he’s proud to inspire everyone he knows, apparently referring to the bear in the bar, not to have a job. What a guy.
Chelsia, using the only kind of flirting that will work with James (when you don’t have a penis), says she is going to give her money to Make a Wish Foundation if she wins (LOL, I’m so sure). This poor girl is desperate for any living breathing thing with a penis. Even if he smells like he took a nap in the dumpster behind TGIF on all you can eat wings day.

Caaaw!!!!

Now that she has Hobo Hank and Chelsia alone in the HOH room, the Chen asks James (WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING, DUMBSHIT?!? HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THIS SHOW?) why he lied to Matt’s face about not nominating him, and James says that he only told Matt that because he wasn’t sure if he was gonna win HOH and didn’t want to make enemies. Uh…wrong. You told him after you won HOH that he was safe. Hint: YOU’RE BEING FILMED.
Then Chen asks Chelsia if she’s pissed she got stuck with a moron and Chelsia just says she hasn’t had a boyfriend since junior high. Good answer, and a perfectly understandable excuse. I got rear ended last week by a living, breathing man and just giggled and apologized to him.

Desperation feels awesome.

Chen asks Hobo Hank what it’s like actually having a roof over his head and he says that he hates most everyone in the house because they’re materialistic and want to win so they can buy a decent car instead of buying their lazy ass friends a bunch of x, partying for a weekend and then getting on a bike to encourage people to not have jobs. I love when hippies preach peace and then talk about how much they hate other people. I hope I see this douche bag riding around on his bike in LA so I can flick a cigarette out my car window and try to catch his hair on fire.
Chen starts to ask Chelsia another question, but Chelsia cuts her off, snapping “because I need a BOYFRIEND, OK? GET OFF MY ASS, BITCH!”
And….commercial. When we’re back, it’s time for the nominees to plead their cases. Amanda says that she loves puppies and she’s sick, which might have worked if Alex wasn’t wearing a hot pink shirt that says “Keepin’ it Real”. Oy. Some people are just beyond help. Luckily for him, Nat is wearing culottes, so they’re equal in the fashion disaster department. Nat says that she doesn’t want to go back to her state to serve beaver yet and begs to stay.
Moose and Ma vote against Amanda and Alex, and so do Joshuah and Sharon. But of course Joshuah is all fake, overdramatic and annoying about it, as if he didn’t just tell Amanda she should get a noose like her dad a couple of days ago. He is obviously trying to overcompensate for acting like a psycho queen from hell, but it’s too late. I hate this little bitch and can’t wait to see his stoopid ass taken OUT.
So it’s official. My girl’s out! BOOOOOOO!!!!! NO BUENO!! When she hears the news she cries, and I don’t know if it’s for herself or if she’s afraid for Alex, who has to go into the real world wearing that hideous hot pink ridonk message tee. He could get killed out there! Amanda and Alex leave and Joshuah tells a crying Sharon to toughen up. “We have to win this and avenge this for Amanda!” WHAT!??!?!?? GOD I HATE YOU, CHANANDLER BONG! Wait, did Alex say that or Bing? I rewound like four times and can’t tell, but it feels really good hating toothless Bing so I’m sticking with it.

WHY GOD, WHY?

The Chen tells Alex that he was a dick to Amander about getting them nominated, but by refusing to campaign for votes isn’t the actual eviction his fault? Oh snap, ChenChen. You’re on it tonight. Alex says that he’s a good person and good people don’t win. On a positive note, though, Alex has amended his percentage of blame from ninety percent to seventy five percent to an even fifty fifty. Aw. Me thinks someone’s still trying to get a little ITALIA.
Time for my favorite part, the “fuck you,” loser videos! Allison starts it off with her huge dumb face and says that Alex and Amanda hurt her feelings from the beginning because they didn’t even try to get to know her. Oh, wah. From the beginning, you’ve been gross and crazy. Ryan says something but I can’t stop trying to figure out where his face ends and his neck begins.

HUH?

Everyone else is fairly nice, and Nat does a really sweet snippet of the cheerleader sketch, minus Will Ferrel, of course. I never would’ve thought to rhyme “I give sweet blow jobs” with “You’re team was robbed”. Nice work, Bikini!
The HOH competition is a multiple choice quiz show about the sayings plastered all over the house walls. The girls compete first, and then the boys, and Sharon kicks the other girls’ asses, getting every answer right. Evidence that Sharon is smart? Noted. But it doesn’t override the evidence that she’s a complete moron.

Next, Joshuah kicks the boys’ asses! It’s unanimous! The biggest shit head of the year takes the lead! YAY! I am long used to the fact that the most horrible people succeed in this game, but it doesn’t stop me from making tiny cuts all over my arm with a torn Diet Coke can. He is completely humble about it, of course. He jumps up, screams like a monkey, and gets his finger in everyone’s face while yelling “SUCK IT, BREEDERS!” HATE.
But wait, there’s more! ChenChen says goodbye to the HG’s and turns to the camera. “Don’t worry, Flipit. Next week, Amanda and Alex are going to get a surprise they never saw coming, which will begin another chapter in Big Brother, Til Death Do Us Part”. !!!! YES!! Next time I run into Grodner, I’m blowing her.
Check back tomorrow morning to catch the first ever Podgasm with me, Schoonie and FozzieBare! LOVE!