Big Brother: Get a Noose

Store at temperatures between fifty and seventy degrees Fahrenheit.

Welcome to eviction! The Chen greets us with her tight smile and tries to make us believe she can feel the cold. Right. It’s like when France Barbie wore a hat, a coat and a miniskirt. We all knew that bitch wasn’t going to France. Where was I? We get our weekly briefing on the house’s happenings, which mostly includes people making seriously shitty moves I’ve already bitched about ad nausueum. Let’s get to booting someone out on their ass!

Drama! “What may be the biggest fight in Big Brother history”, apparently. Don’t let the Donatos hear that, they’ll be banging on the front door demanding a rematch. The house turned on Amanda?!? Oh, shit. This I gotta see. Fight, girl!
Before we judge Amanda too harshly, I think it’s important to remember that the HGs are locked in a house with no entertainment. Some people choose to work out to pass the time and some just stare at walls and pick their toenails until it’s time to eat. Amander gossips. Wacky innocent dumbass music plays under a montage of her yapping her face off about everything from the Bikini Barista rubbing her boobies all over Parker’s back to someone, who’s name she won’t mention ALEX, having had his credit card declined four times. HA. After she delivers each tidbit to her annoyed roomies, she shrugs her shoulders like “can you believe it?” but no one ever reacts. Hey. A girl’s gotta have a hobby.
Natalie tells us that Amanda needs to shut her mouth and stop gossiping just to get a constant flow of attention. Then she pulls out her giant sacks of saline and touches her knee to her forehead with a big shit eating grin on her face.

What? Is it just me? Anyone? ….Hulleow?

Amanda joins Natalie in the tiny steam room and tries to get it in her head that James can’t win HOH or they’ll be nominated. How she can even concentrate on that when Hobo Hank is lying face down in only hot pink undies right outside the glass door is beyond me.

Whoever is throwing away all of this hideous underwear, please stop.

Natalie falls for it and instead of just walking out of the booth and asking James if it was true, she gathers the girls and says Amanda told her that she heard from everyone that Chelsia would put Amanda and Nat up if she had the chance. That’s not what Amanda said. She said that she “just knows” they’d be nominated. I don’t know if Nat was making a move or if she is just too flakey to remember exactly what Amanda said, but well done, Bikini. It worked.
Chelsia is pissed that Amanda’s talking shit, so she marches right outside to the hot tub and confronts her about lying to Nat. Amanda’s all “huh? What’d IIIIII do?” She says she never uttered Chelsia’s name, which is true, even though she was being a gossip. She swears on God and her dad. A dramatic drum crashes, like she doesn’t swear on her dad twice an episode. Chelsia keeps poking her, getting her to say that she heard James say it. Uh-oh.
Chelsia shouts that no matter what, she and James are partners and they are one. Then she gets a crazy irrational look on her face. Amanda starts scream whining “I didn’t doooo it!”, which makes Chelsia even crazier. She starts ranting and raving, and the shocked look on Alex’ face is priceless. Then Joshuah, who must have just now realized that he’s done nothing so far in five episodes, jumps up and starts screeching like a rabid little girl. Alex’ face is even more shocked now, which is just killing me. I rewound this like four times.

Why is that girl screaming?

Joshuah, what the hell are you thinking? You’re no one’s target right now and Amander poses no threat to you. He tells her she has a horse face and no one likes her! She’s too stunned to retort that he looks like a fat drugged out Chandler Bing with all his teeth shattered, so I’ll say it for her. He gets himself more and wore worked up, and since he has no real beef with Amanda, he just screams obscenities and tells her she’s ugly. Ah, another prince of a gay guy on Big Brother. Thanks, CBS.
He goes on and on, getting bigger and bigger, til finally it looks like he’s gonna hit Amanda. Then he jumps out of the tub and storms inside, growling and hooah-ing and generally trying to act butch. It doesn’t work. The house already knows he’s a screaming queen, and now they know he’s a psycho screaming queen. He laughs devilishly like his evil plan worked. “Now everyone hates Amanda.” They also think you’re mentally unstable. Nice job. Hope that works out for ya. MORON.

Transcript from American Flabby-gay-tors: ARGH! RAAAR! MEAT! ARGH! FOOTBALL! RAAAR!

Alex joins in on the fun and starts shouting at Amanda while everyone watches and says that talking shit about one parter is like talking shit about them both, just the way that the whole house hating her right now makes him look bad. You haven’t needed any help in that department. Why don’t you go sit in the dark with your monitor remote in night vision, creep?
Joshuah comes back outside and shouts that it’s never Amanda’s fault so just give her a medal, to which Chelsia adds “or a noose”. Joshuah seals it with “Like her dad.” WOAH! SCREEEEEEECH! STOP THE CAR! WHAT?!?!?!?!? After I pause the show to scream and use all sorts of horribly offensive gay slurs, I smile. He just made himself look worse than he could have ever made Amanda look. Now the HG’s are singing the “Poor Amanda/ Joshuah’s Mean” tune, and Alex puts the cherry on top: “He’s obviously unstable.” HA and THANK YOU. Oh Joshuah, well played.
Amanda, of course, starts sobbing. First, Allison sits with her and strokes her hair, then she has a whole room of people doting on her while she takes a bath. After cooing and singing rockabye baby, they leave her alone with Parker. She cries, and I steady myself for more talk about her father’s suicide. Instead, she pouts “Do I really look like a horse?” LOL. This has to be the biggest, dumbest fight I’ve seen in awhile, and it felt great. Thanks, BB.
In other news, Jen is the worst girlfriend ever. She starts talking shit about Ryan, and it’s not stuff he can just brush off when he gets back to real life. She first tells Sheila that he’s a racist, and then as Bikini Barista gets ready to perform the MC role in Cabaret, Jen repeats the racism charge to all the girls. She says she dated a black guy once, which disgusts Ryan to this day. Sheila says “yeah you told us that”. HAHA. Allison looks at her like “COOKOOCOOKOO”. If Alison thinks you’re nuts, you’ve seriously got problems.

Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome!

Allison sits in a bedroom with Sheila, Matt, and Ryan and gossips about what a bitch Jen is. Ryan doesn’t come in on a white horse, but he doesn’t join in on the diss. Shelia tells him that he has no clue what his girlfriend’s saying about him and she won’t tell him until after the vote. Of course she just wants to be begged so he does and tells her that she looks thirteen and doesn’t sound even remotely like a seventy year old trailer trash broad. She caves, and he is mortified to learn that Jen’s calling him racist.
Sheila doesn’t want to get in trouble, but duh. No one keeps their mouth shut around this house, lady! Besides, Shelia can handle herself in an ignorant screaming match just as well as anyone. Sure enough, Ryan marches right up to Jen and tells her to get her bony ass outside because the shit’s about to hit the fan. He won’t tell her exactly what was said to him, which makes her nuts. Being the dimwit she is, she asks him if Sheila told him she was calling him a racist because all she said is that he has “race issues” and hates the fact that she dated a black guy. He doesn’t deny saying it. So he’s not mad at her for making stuff up, he’s mad that he’s been outed as a bigot. Daaaamn.
Ryan has seemed pretty cool up to now, so I hesitate to believe this. But when he walks up to Parker and says he’s not a racist and he has “lots of black friends and everything like that”, I get kinda sick to my stomach. Ah well, at least now I don’t feel bad about calling him Little People Big World face.

Did you see that? The witch was crushed by a falling house! That’s some crazy shit right there!

Allison and Shelia have brought Parker into the bedroom and are passing off Jen’s racism claims when Jen comes in swinging. She never said Ryan was a racist! Cut to shot of Jen saying Ryan is a racist. She starts denying denying denying but Shelia won’t have it. She knows what she heard, and Jen’s just lying to get her boyfriend sent home. Parker, realizing this isn’t really about him, leaves to see if Amanda’s still crying somewhere and wants a massage. Enter Ryan.
Allison and Sheila tell him they never believed his dumbass girlfriend, they just thought he should know that she was spreading lies. He points out to Jen that she’s trying to win a game but ruining his life in the outside world. Realizing he’s right, Jen shouts to the girls that Ryan’s not a racist, they just had race issues and they are working past them and he has lots of black friends. OY. Allison keeps going on and on as usual, so Ryan and Jen go talk in private.
He tells her she’s a shitty person and she just gave up everything they’d worked toward as a couple for some game. He’s done! No, wait. She keeps him there and assures him that she only said he didn’t agree with interracial relationships. He says “so you didn’t say I was a racist?” LOL. Not “agreeing” with interracial relationships is inherently racist, midget face.

Go back there and make sure every one understands that when I use the N word at home I put an “a” at the end instead of “er”.

The Chen gathers the HG’s in the living room to get some eviction on, but at first they can’t hear her. I wonder if Alison Groedner will ever hire a technician to write her a fix for that pesky button. Machines don’t make mistakes, Groedner. people do. When they finally hear her, she says that that was part of a challenge called read my lips. Oh, you wacky bot. That would be like trying to read the lips of those animatronic characters at Chuck E Cheese.
She mentions that Shelia acted like a grandma scorned for awhile because she was paired with Moose, so how does the couple feel now? Sheila likes foreskin, so it’s all good. Then Jen gets a chance to cry and tell Ryan how much she loves him and how a game can never come between them. Man, this girl is a loudmouthed ignoramus, and it will be a shame to see her go. No it won’t, but I’m trying to force myself to be nice at least some of the time. Did you buy it?
Ryan kisses Jen and tells her that he loves her with all his heart and he always will as long as she stays away from black people. Aw! How sweet! And now to the vote! Matt and Nat say they like Parker and hate Allison, so that’s how they’ll vote. Chelsia and Hobo Hank want to keep Allison and Ryan because they can use them. Besides, Parker always turns on the light when they’re sleeping, which is just rude. Agreed. I’d vote his ass out, too.
After break, the Chen talks to Amanda and Alex alone. Amanda says that Chelsia and Joshuah have both apologized to her numerous times and she forgives them, and Alex says that his father inspires him every day. He wants this to be like a family, where everyone’s there for each other but out for themselves. Uh….poetic? Then he gives a lounge lizard face to the cameras, like he just said the most charming thing in the world.

What can I say? I feel things.

Chen asks Alex if he will work better as a team with Amanda and stop calling her a dirty whore, and he says she is a dirty whore, but she’s his dirty whore. Aw. Drip.
Who do Joshuah and Sharon think should go? They answer in a private conversation, not looking at the diary room’s cameras even once. Joshuah acts like he’s being interviewed on Tyra. He’s never liked Jen and Parker because they have a shady look on their faces, and Sharon thinks they’re cocky a holes. Sheila agrees, saying that she’ll do anything for her wife. When she calls Allison, who she’s known for a couple of weeks now, her best friend, I believe her. And I get a little sad for her. There needs to be a semi-porn d list star support group. Moose wants Allison out. These two don’t agree? Oh, you two and your contrariness.
Time to sing for your life. Allison and Ryan give sappy speeches about friendships and gratefulness (to have lots of black friends). Then Jen opens with “Thank all of you for being smokin hot so we could be put in this house together…” HAHAHAHAAA. Poor deluded thing. This girl just can’t keep her mouth shut. Allison is thinking the same thing and doing her best not to giggle.

Dear Jen, thanks for officially saving my ass. Love, Allison.

When the Chen announces that Jen and Parker are out by a vote of 3-1, Jen is genuinely shocked.

Ryan tries to give her goodbye love, but realizes that now she’s about to be set loose with a darkie.

Promise me you won’t kiss him. And if he tries to mug you, use the stop drop and roll method.

She simpers and whines “you guys be careful of people who don’t keep their word!” while Parker tries to stay calm, awkwardly laughing while simultaneously giving Matt the death stare. Back to the bushes, looza.
As the HG’s gather around the TVs to marvel at how fast Jen and Parker’s pics were blacked out, the Chen interviews the evictees. The bot starts with a soft one: Jen, you had the most powerful advantage in the game. Do you wanna poke your eyes out and jump off a cliff after fucking it all up? Jen says that if she had it to do over again…she doesn’t know what she’d do. WHAT? Parker looks like he’s doing his best not to punch her, but I don’t have to worry about getting arrested for punching my TV. If you want a tube that lasts, go with LCD.
Jen says that the biggest mistake wasn’t her telling the secret to Parker or the rest of the house, it was letting Ryan tell Allison. Oh, ok. Now I get it. So you’re actually awesome. Parker, too, denies any responsibility, saying that even if they hadn’t told everyone the secret, it just wouldn’t have worked. “It is what it is”.

And what it is is Jen’s fault.

In her goodbye tape, Allison tells Jen she doesn’t know how to weigh risk vs gain. Neither do you, addict, but it’s good to see Jen cry more so thanks.
In the HOH competition, polls are taken about the group’s wants and whoever votes with the majority gets a point. The winner will be the team who gets the most right answers out of six. Here’s what we learned about our HG’s: they’d rather have hot food than hot water for a day (you can’t eat a sandwich? For a day?), they’d rather have eating utensils than drinking cups (good luck using the faucet after Hobo Hank), they’d rather have a margarita party (with no cups) than a barbeque grill, they’d rather have the women cook dinner than have the women serve the men breakfast in bed (sexist much? Where’s the stab the man in the balls for holding women back option?), and they’d rather have workout machines than washing machines (Moose and Hobo I get, but the rest of you should be ashamed of yourselves.) Oh yeah. And the girls will all be wearing bathing suits for the next day. GILF lovers, this is your week. Sheila’s brought along a number that really got men’s peepers a wowin’ back in the eighties.
Chelsia and James win. This should be interesting because it was revealed today that Chelsia is kind of nuts. I, for one, have no idea what is gonna happen next, and I like it. What do you guys think? Yes, these are some severely stupid players, but they’re fun to watch. Or are they?

I won!