FlipitTypes TV - Recaps, Gossip, and Trash Talk

It’s finally that time! This season, we’ve had weeks off, a filler episode starring Ilan (still haven’t forgiven you, Bravo) and an unfulfilled double elimination. I don’t know about you, but I’m exhausted!
This week, Top Chef taught us you should never let a caveman touch your food, being really high changes everything, and a grandfather who escaped Vietnam trumps a boring old French grandmother any day.

Game on!!

Baldhawk wakes up on the morning of the final challenge and immediately walks to the mirror to practice all the handsome hot studly guy faces he’ll make when he actually wins this thing and runs into his ex boyfriend at the cowboy bar back home in Chicago.

I’m sorry. Do I know you?

Bunny Foo Foo, less worried about looking cute than throwing up, takes a long hard look at herself in the mirror and asks “What Would Rachel Do?” Meanwhile in another bathroom at the hotel of busy patterns, a shirtless, hairless and decidedly not nervous Dung entertains himself with a “Hello My Name is Chubby” joke.

Hi. My name is Chubby. My Mama’s chubby, my Papa’s chubby, and I’m Chubby.

When they convene for breakfast, there’s a note that instructs them to go to the top of the mountain for their next challenge. I hope they don’t have to hike, cuz you know Baldhawk’s wearing shorts. He could get a tick and die of Lyme’s Disease right before our very eyes. No worries, they get to take a ski lift! Troll Patch tries to go with them, and when their car gets too heavy halfway up the mounain, they push him off and watch him kick and scream to his fate.

Wait. Wasn’t that the Best Chef Ever Invented?

The three survivors reach the top of the mountain to find Daddy Tom and Scar waiting for them. The challenge is simple: cook the best meal they’ve ever cooked, come up with a heartwarming story to herd the American sheep, and don’t give anyone food poisoning. This year they will be cooking at the same time and serving at the same time. When Dung hears “head to head”, he drops on his back and touches his ears with his ankles. Daddy Tom hands him five dolla while Scar tells the Chefs they will have thirty five minutes to plan their menus using the fresh produce and proteins on the table plus any of the ingredients they were allowed to bring from home. I’ve got twenty bucks that says Baldhawk brought a box of Bisquick.
Hung is thrilled. No cowboys, no seniors on a diet, no fast food chains to please. He’s going to finally cook what he WANTS to cook! Let me guess. Vietnamese. He’s going to start with hamachi and move onto duck. The Chefs are supposed to show off their flavors in this challenge, but it’s a little typical, no? Foo Foo ups the bland hack ante by deciding to start with fois gras. Throw in a wedge salad and a cosmo and call it a tired culinary day, Foo. Come on, lady! I’m counting on you. She will be moving from the fois to giant prawns and then to pork belly, which sounds kind of nasty, but I guess it depends on what the pork ate before it died. Hopefully for her it ate duck liver and she’ll be deemed brilliant.
All three chefs realize that they chose prawns, and Baldhawk is the only one to bow out, choosing to go with lobster instead. Let Dung and Foo fight it out. One of them will have to suck more than the other, and that’s been BH’s winning strategy so far. Oh wait. I spoke too soon. He goes with lobster on top of gnocci for his second course, lamb for his third, and dun dun duhn! Foi Gras for his first. Head to head it is. Take him down, Foo!

14 Across: scalpy watcher.

Daddy Tom collects their menu plans and leads them back to the ski lift. They pick knives to determine who will get to work with which mystery guest as a sous chef, and they all get skerd. Bunny says that in the past, the guest chefs have been some of the worst contestants from that season (sorry Lee Anne, not you) and Dung, just as skeptical, speculates on his picks out loud. Howie, Micah and Clay. Dude. Inside voice. You’re on top of a mountain and no one wants to see Clay jump. He doesn’t care who it is, if it’s gonna be a past contestant, he’s not happy. You know, “because they’ve been all hateds towards me.” And you’re such a loveable little guygirl! Oh, this is good! Coming out from between the moving gondolas are shiny, moisturized Celebrity Chefs! Dung gets Rocco DiSpirito, who appears from between the gondolas with a bag of his frozen pasta and a bumper stickers that say “Get in the DiSpirto *Nabisco Betty Crocker Chile’s Wal-Mart Cuisinart*! He winks at the cameras and dedicates this one to the ladies.
Hung is thrilled and squeals like a piglet in a wood chipper. He drops on his back again to touch his ankles to his ears, but Rocco didn’t bring any cash. Ah well, that’s ok! This one’s on Dung! Foo Foo gets Michelle Bernstein, and a pang of jealousy goes coursing through my being; not over Foo getting to meet the talented chef, but over Michelle Bernstein looking so hot and thin! Someone’s been to the gym. And the stylist. And the MAC store. Great work, team! She looks hot. I press pause and have a revelation….

Maybe it’s time I called Jenny.

Baldhawk is left with Todd English, a rich, handsome celebrity chef. Uh-oh. Baldhawk needs all the concentration he can muster, and he was just paired with a hottie. Eye on the prize, Baldhawk!

This is just not fair.

It’s really cool to see the Guest Judges at work in the kitchen instead of sitting back with a glass of wine or ten and droning on about the free food they just ate, like they usually do. Michelle B. and Foo Foo both say “faaabulous!” the same way so you know they’ll make a good team. Finding a soul mate is easy, but finding a “faaabulous” in common is the ultimate bonding experience. Hung expresses how thrilled he is to be working with DiSpirito and blablah and then he goes into his ingredient and preparation lists. This won’t be any typical Vietnamese meal after all! Raise that bar, kid! Rocco, who suffers from severe ADD (if you don’t believe me, rent The Restaurant), holds up his bag of Rocco’s Frozen Pasta and shrugs. Dung pats him on the cheek, tells him he’s pretty, and sends him off to get cutting boards.

The muzac version of “What the World Needs Now” plays in the background.

Rocco tells us that his challenge is to be there to help his new little friend “without giving away too much, obviously.” I have a feeling the only thing you have to “give away” to this kid is coupons tonight, tiger. Just try to keep up. And keep up he does. These two work really well together. Apparently, Anthony Bourdain (love you call me) wrote in his blog that he’d like to see a cook off between DiSpirito and Dung, so Rocco says that instead they should both open their own restaurants and not reveal who owns which one so Bourdain will never, CAN never, know who’s the best chef. Oh come on. No one’s that dumb. Yours will have the whir of microwaves in the air and Dung’s will have skinned ducks hanging from the air conditioner.
Baldhawk is pleased as punch that he gets to flirt with a rich hottie and boss him around at the same time. He’s like “how many restaurants do you own? OMG could you imagine, Bunny? He’s like soooo rich,” and Todd English is like “yeah, I can’t even count em. I’m totally the most eligible bachelor ever,” and Balkhawk’s all “OMG LUV U MARRY ME” and Todd English goes “never gonna get it.” Aw. Poor Baldhawk. He turns it around and makes English his “little pet bitch”. LOL, BH. Todd worries that Baldhawk may have too many competing flavors, as he is going his usual route and throwing in everything short of glitter.
At first, it looks like their faaabulous in common might not be such a good thing for Foo Foo and Bernstein. Bunny seems to be having trouble sticking to her guns and formulating a plan, and Michelle can smell the fear. As Foo rambles off possible ingredients and cooking methods like she’s answering questions in a pop quiz, you can hear the “mistake” in Michelle’s “faaaabulous”. Foo Foo responds with a “fuck you, bitch” in her “faaabulous”. Uh oh. There’s a possibility that this could be a negative faaabulous in common. Watch out. Michelle thinks Foo might be over doing it a little bit for Bernstein’s minimalist taste. But she’s faaabulous (screwed).
So we are in the middle of prep time and two of the Chefs are “over-doing it” and one’s kicking ass. Let’s eat. I think we all know where this is going. But there’s still an hour of prep time to go! The altitude has changed the way the kitchen runs. Water never comes to a boil, for one thing, which leaves Baldhawk with a bowl of goo instead of gnocci. Todd has confidence in him, though. We all know by now that Baldhawk is shocked by something that doesn’t work at the last minute, and he always finds a way to not suck the most.
Rocco is sweatin up a Howie and he still doesn’t understand what the hell Dung’s up to, but he’s really enjoying the camera time, saying things like “you’ve really gotta take the time to taste your Rocco Frozen Pasta” and kissing his fingers while he winks at the cameras. Even Michelle has come around. She thought Foo Foo was a total flake at first, but sees now that she’s competent, patient, and positive. Somehow, the Bunny’s managed to tenderize her pork belly against all odds and it’s downright inspiring! Girl Power! In the movie version, “Suddenly I See” will be blaring while Foo Foo has a chopping and sauteeing montage.

Peek-a-boo!

The next day, they arrive back at the newest Not Kenmore Kitchen for their two hours of cooking time. Hung learned during the cowboy challenge that portable stoves give off enough heat to sear, and he sets some up in the back of the kitchen so he doesn’t have to deal with anyone in his way. He is going to run in place in his little corner and concentrate really hard on showing the Judges that he has a soul to put into his food. I still don’t get that critique. Who wants to eat something with Dung Soul in it? You’ll swallow a razor blade. Keep your soul away from me.
Foo and Baldhawk consider themselves lucky. With Dung out of the way, there’s a lower likelihood that burners will accidentally get turned off or someone will accidentally get their eye poked out by a knife. Even the lobsters breathe a sigh of relief, knowing they won’t accidentally get knocked on the ground to suffocate to death before their time. It’s a win/win.
Daddy Tom comes in to check on progress, and Baldhawk immediately revs up that habitual confession tick he has. He admits to blowing it with the French gnocci because he didn’t take the altitude into consideration, but says he made regular gnocci and everything’s ok it’s ok it’s alright stop STARING AT ME! Just keep your mouth zipped, BH! You just told him that you’re about to serve something lesser than because you didn’t properly think it through. Chefs don’t apologize! Take my advice: whatever goes wrong, blame Todd English.
Foo Foo spends yet another diary session explaining the challenge to us just in case we haven’t watched the show. Ever. She’s like, “in the first hour, it’s best to prepare your sauces. Then move on to the cooking and searing. An then wash your hands again to ensure proper safety in the work pla..” zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. The Top Chef will have to be a good cook, yes. But he/she will also have to keep people awake. What are your hobbies, Foo? What’s your favorite color? What are you FEELING?
When Daddy Tom gets to her station, she is peeling a peach. French Grandmother instilled a very deep running ethic regarding cooked fruit at dinner time. It’s becoming Foo’s trademark. Well, alongside the inescapable Rachel Green hair.

“The Rachel: Version 2: Early nineties incarnation.”

When Daddy Tom arrives at Hung’s Camping Corner, it’s time for a little Soul Glow. Hung is serving his fish raw with a caramelized tamarind sauce SOUL, ocean scented rice SPIRIT, and cleanly prepared duck drizzled with butter GLOW. Tom gets struck speechless on “ocean scented rice” and Dung can barely contain himself from jumping up and giggling like a little boy girl. He’s gonna win this thing!! Not so fast, sucka. Daddy Tom wants all three Chefs outside stat. It’s time for the twist!
An hour left til service, and they have to cook a fourth course which can be served at any time during the meal. Baldhawk’s all “oh no he didn’t” snap headroll ball change spin pop gum. Hung says he’s not nervous at all. It’s a competition! Bring on the stress! He’s been doing his best the past couple of episodes to show the world what a sweet goodnatured sweetie he is, but the minute CJ, Sara M, and Howie were brought out, Hung’s face involuntarily squished into Dung’s.

No need to be rude!

As long as he doesn’t get sloppy sweaty Howie or good ole CJ, who for some unfathomable reason “hates” Dung, he’s good. The gods are smiling down on him, because he picks Sara’s knife. Baldhawk gets CJ and Foo gets Howie. Ah well, maybe a woman will win next year.
Hung decides on a chocolate cake with berries to prove that he can bake, and he grabs Sara by the shoulders and makes sure she understands how to count out 8 oz of chocolate. Sara likes Hung, even though he can sometimes…well…

Tune in to next week’s Reunion Special to see Sara awarded Most Priceless Understatement of the Year Award.

Foo Foo and Howie decide on seared strip steak, which could prove tricky after Foo was called out on her severely undercooked elk last challenge and she’s having trouble getting a decent sear on now with the current altitude drama. Baldhawk goes for a scallop dish to put towards the front of his meal as a little fuck you I’M NOT SCARED back to the Judges, and as an added fuck you, he’s not even gonna deal with that dish! CJ is! Dude, CJ’s final dish was singled out (unfairly) as the worst in Top Chef history. You sure about that one? No turning back, because before you know it, time’s up!
There is a beautiful mountaintop dining setup, and the guest sous chefs from yesterday and today are all there, plus Troll(aw). He chuckles nervously and growls “This is my hundred thousand dollar meal I’m about to eat, here!” No, this is one of their hundred thousand dollar meals you’re about to eat. Not to split hairs, but you lost, sucka. Accept it.
The waiters bring out the first course, and Hung’s “fish and chips” made with raw hamachi and a tomato vinaigrette is first. It looks really beautiful.

Believe it or not, I have nothing evil to say about this. I know, I hate myself.

Baldhawk’s first course is a fois gras mousse with a ras el hanout gastrique and some arugula thrown on top to diminish the dish’s melted Barbie look.

You cheated on Ken one too many times. May you rest in peace under this arugula.

Foo Foo’s third with a cinnamon scented scallop (? ew) and fois gras with baked apple. Tell me this dish doesn’t look like a huge ham and eggs breakfast at Denny’s with jelly beans on top. And is that a huge pat of butter under the ham? Oh, Foo.

Sorry, I ordered the Western Omelette. I’m gonna have to send this back.

The Judges are impressed with Hung’s take on fish and chips, but he repeated a mistake from the camping challenge and left citrus off his fish. Baldhawk’s fois gras is deemed way too rich and heavy, but the components of his dish went well together. Foo Foo’s scallop, fois and roe went over well also, but Daddy Tom found the taste of roe (or jelly beans) offensive.
Hung’s shrimp second course would have gone really well had CJ not taken the ultimate waiter’s revenge as the dishes were plated.

That little shrimp must have really pissed someone off.

Dale is next with his “Surprise Dish” (best title ever). CJ put the seared scallop under a bed of sweet corn and over grapes that were chopped in half. Dude. We get it. You have one nut. It’s ok.

Aw, hon. These grapes are not lesser men just because they are chopped in half. Let’s hug.

Foo Foo’s prawn comes out looking like the oceanic version of the Boogeyman. He has long octopus like arms to grab you and there are unborn babies spilling out of his head. Way to keep the chicklets of the sea up at night, Foo.

And you thought it was just a story.

CJ’s Baldhawk’s is the most popular of the second courses, and it gets extra credit for being the surprise dish. Scar thinks that Hung’s second is again suffering from a lack of acid, and Rocco says that all Hung needs to be a great chef is more confidence. Like he needs a hole in the head. What show have you been on TWICE? No one likes Foo Foo’s dish, and thank God for Ted Allen. He points out that it’s her second dish in a row with fish eggs. What gives? The pork bellies are coming soon. Is Foo Foo subconsciously telling us that she’s barren? Aw! Don’t worry, hon, Peppermint Patty loves you for you! You can adopt! Even Michelle Bernstein has trouble standing beside Foo on this one. “What I love about this dish is….it really shows how hard she’s trying.” Ouch.
The third course is served. Hung’s sous vide duck looks like an esophagus to me, and it’s floating on another bed of waiter spit foam. WTF? I’m only sure of one thing at this point, Marcel is so getting laid the second Dung gets home.

Monkey Spit Foam Love

Baldhawk’s lobster and gnocci comes out beautifully, but now that Tom’s seen the excuse tic in action, he’s probably looking at this and thinking…

That gnocci is so not French.

Foo Foo’s pork belly is kinda depressing for reasons already mentioned. My fingers are crossed for ya, Foo. I hope none of the Judges’ minds are looping “barren” over and over again. I really do.

That reminds me. There’s a sale at Pea in the Pod.

Hung’s duck is by far the winner of these three dishes. Todd English calls it “three star” and Michelle Bernstein says that it is prepared so perfectly that she’s jealous. Baldhawk’s lobster gnocci doesn’t have as much luck with Michelle. The gnocci is too heavy and the curry is overpowering. Rocco doesn’t like it either, agreeing that the sauce was too much. Daddy Tom doesn’t waste time with too many adjectives for this one, expressing his thoughts with a simple “terrible.” Lucky for Baldhawk, he’s followed by Foo Foo’s pork belly, which is over done and dry. They all liked the peach though. Score French Grandma!
For the final course, Hung is the only Chef to serve dessert. His chocolate cake with nougatine tuile looks pretty pleased with itself.

Baldhawk is putting himself into his duck fat poached lamb finale. Literally. It’s a freakin’ self portrait.

Rembrandt would be proud.

I am now on my knees praying that Foo Foo really knocks this one out of the park, but her seared sirloin looks waaaaay undercooked (again). Hopefully, the judges’ critiques will be inconsistent and they will call it brilliant.

If Spencer Pratt was a Guest Judge, he would spread an internet rumor that Foo Foo’s dish has beef curtains.

And they like it! They think this is Foo’s best dish so far, and Baldhawk’s eggplant puree was “baby smooth” (? gross, Bernstein) and complemented his perfectly poached lamb. Hung is the only one who faltered a bit on the fourth course. His cake was light and delicious, but Daddy Tom thinks it didn’t go at all with the rest of what he prepared and made his progression “disjointed”. Todd English said the point was to be blown away by every course, and he wasn’t blown away today. Well, you just didn’t give Baldhawk enough of a chance when you had him alone. Too bad so sad.
Time for the final Judges Table! Baldhawk’s grilled first. The Judges tell him that his fois was too heavy, and his gnocci was too dense. The seared scallop was excellent, though. How much of that was CJ’s? He answers “One hundred percent….fifty fifty!” Aw, Baldhawk’s all grown up! Now, instead of telling a bald faced lie, he’s only kinda telling a halfie lie! Who says you don’t learn anything as a reality contestant? Tom loved his duck poached lamb and asks if today was the first time he made it. “Yes!” Tom’s like, really? “Yes!” Are you sure you’re not telling a halfie? “Yes!” Even the editors don’t buy it, as they insert that gong clash “liar” music. Love. You. Editors. Nevertheless, the lamb was fantastic and should be served for the rest of BH’s career. Atta boy! To make his day even better, Ted Allen tells him “Baldhawk, you are one decadent bitch.” They air kiss and it’s Foo Foo’s turn.
Scar asks her if she brought any of her A game dishes for the finale, and if so, which were they? Ouch, that question hurted. Foo said that she had some ideas but when she was presented the table of ingredients, she went with what she had to work with. She wanted to use leeks, but there were none….Daddy Tom interjects. “There were leeks!” She’s like “I’m so sure, like baby leeks?” And he’s all “oh hell no, woman. They were this big! I saw them!” Lying gong. She keeps her mouth shut, but this exchange is the beginning of the end for our sweet little Bunny, as she is now hellapissed. You can tell because she’s over-enunciating everything and bouncing her pony tail back and forth. Uh oh.

Who you callin a-hole?

Next, her use of the unborn salmon on top of her scallop and fois is questioned. She said that she had never put those flavors together, but she thought the roe added nice color. Daddy Tom laughs and shakes his head like she’s a moron. Dude, what’s your deal today? Gail says that the roe was such a strong flavor that it changed the whole dish for the worse. Bunny swishes her pony tail and gets snippy. “So the roe is what ruined it all, okay then.” Damn, girl, where has this side of you been? LOVE IT! Gail talks her off the ledge with a creepy smile and changes the subject to the Boogeyman of the sea. Why more fish eggs? Was she trying to depress everyone?
She says that she was given a caveman for a sous chef and lost control of the plating and yes she can have babies. She thinks. Hullo it’s your responsibility. She knows, but they were given a last minute fourth course! Yeah, the judges watch the Top Chef. Thanks. Daddy Tom shakes his head and reminds her that everyone is on the same show. She stops talking and gnaws a rolling pin into a cute little gnome. Sorry. Impressive, but the prawns are still a no. Her pork belly was dry, and worse, she admits to not tasting it before it went out. Good Lord, woman! You MEANT it to be dry! Then, to make matters worse, she almost cries as she gives Howie credit for perfectly searing her beef while she was off boning the other dishes. Darn it. This could have all been turned around with some better answering. Foo’s screwed.
Dung is next. His fish and chip homage was awesome but for the lack of citrus. His second course could have used a kick too, as his rice was BURNT CHARRED RUBBERY I mean bland. Gail’s face just does that to me, what can I say? His duck was perfect! Don’t change a thing! Dung is practically jumping up and down and thanking God and his agent and all his lovely cast mates and stop the war in Iraq yay OSCAR!! Foo Foo is as annoyed as I am.

Peee-eew! Do you guys smell BULLSHIT (cough)?!?!

Gail wonders why he made a hacky ass molten chocolate cake for his meal of a lifetime, and when he says that he wanted to play that one safe since he didn’t know how to make it, Foo’s pony tail snaps around and she gives him this look:

Lie Gong. This girl’s fit to be tied.

The Chefs are excused so the Judges can deliberate. Hung’s first course wins, Baldhawk takes the second, Hung takes the third, and Dale’s lamb makes the fourth course a tie, even though Daddy Tom prefaced it by saying that his third course was the worst dish of the night.
Baldhawk may only be half good, but he’s way more adventurous than Dung, which puts him in the lead with Scar and kinda with Gail. Uh-oh. I’m getting scared. Baldhawk cannot possibly take this thing…can he? In the holding room, he says that the dishes they made tonight were “by far, the best of any season!” Woah, Nellie. Thanks for reinforcing my strong hate annoyance disapproval. I was getting worried there for a minute. I have to note that Ted Allen, obviously intimated senseless by Gail (wouldn’t you be?) keeps his mouth shut this whole time, and I kinda feel bad for him. She’s slutty, bitchy, and she likes to eat. You’d think she’d be the perfect fag hag. What gives?
The Chefs are brought back in to hear the news, and then there are so many commercials that they have time to pack their bags, drive to the airport, board a plane, and fly to Los Angeles for a Live Results show. Seriously. How many GLAD ads do we need to see? WE GET IT!!! The Chefs have all watched the entire show unfold at this point, and Daddy Tom asks them what they think. Baldhawk gets all teary eyed and says something sentimental, which is nice, but he’s still sportin’ the hawk, which means he has learned nothing.
Foo says that she understands that what makes a Top Chef is cooking every single meal precisely and this just wasn’t her challenge. She does add that she was kicking the other two’s butts for awhile, though. HAH. Good for you, Foo! Don’t cry. No really. Don’t. Tom’s like you’re all awesome, get it over with, Scar. Baldhawk is praying real hard and you can practically hear him promising God to save the homeless….and….
She congratulates Dung! Yay that’s wonderful good for you you totally deserved it yay Hung go go rah rah blah blah. I am now officially too drunk to see straight, but it really is heartwarming that little Marcel is in the Family Feud line of Hung’s guests. Those Vietnemese are seriously progressive with the whole same sex partner thing. Yay them. The monkey has shown up with a new look. The soft serve Dairy Queen coif is a bit toned down these days, and he’s got facial hair! Really, really bad facial hair. He tries to make eye contact with Scar but she just giggles at the floor.

Wow. Parquet!

Hung is ecstatic, and even I have to smile for this kid who rose above his assholish quirky personality patterns to become a Top Chef… Kinda smile. Smirk. Pass out.
Post Script: I have really loved recapping this season for you guys. Your comments and hilarious asides have been pitch perfect all year and I LOVE YOU, GASMII!!! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX Oh, and just in case you were wondering if Marcel was waiting at home like a good little wife, happy that his hubby was going to win when he couldn’t, stop wondering. I’ve uncovered the truth about how our favorite little monkey spent his time while his man was away filming. You heard it hear first. LOVE