Recap: Top Chef: Plane Bourdain

This week, Top Chef taught us when in doubt, blend, New Jersey’s not Manhattan, and Congress is responsible for sucky airplane food.

Scar gives props to the Bunny.

A sweet romantic comedy film score tinkles all through the Fountainbleau, where the cute little chefs are tucked away in their lime green duvets sleeping like widdle babies. No Joey or Howie snoring like a Flinstone, no Micah crying “MATILDA!!!”, no early morning screams from Tre as he carves cliches into his skin…finally! A peaceful night’s rest. And then Scar shows up to wake everyone, gets all “wacky”, and showcases her “personality”. This woman has always shown her spirit through fashion, and today she’s in ill-fitted khakis and a cotton tee. Who is this pod person? I want my Beach Slut back!
CJ tries to pretend the sight of Scar is making his ball tighten, but I think he’s just flattered that her yellow tee matches his LIVESTRONG bracelet. Finally, someone’s acknowledging his pain! He’s had testicular cancer, you know. What’s this? A breakfast challenge in the hotel room? In their pjs? Sara M is tickled, which cracks me up.

The twist is, they have to somehow use a BREVILLE Blender, which Scar assures them can be used to prepare practically anything! What innovation! What design! Why chew an omelette when you can swallow it whole? Hung has plenty of space for this challenge, so the second Scar fires her tiny pistol, he’s off and running around like his ass is on fire. He knocks food on the floor along with a bottle of truffle oil, which he denies doing and then says that he doesn’t care if someone falls because he’s only focused on himself. There’s our nasty little girl! Where you been, chica? He’s not really a breakfast person, so he’s gonna make sunny side up eggs and some seared steak with a fruit and gran marnier smoothie. Fruit, booze, steak and eggs? How fitting. Just call it “The Runs” and be done.
Baldhawk’s not skerd of this challenge, because to men all over Chicago, he’s known as the guy who makes you breakfast in the morning. Of course, what he makes usually takes four hours to prepare… I’m so sure, fancy pants. If he ever spent four hours in my kitchen after a lay I’d feel really sorry for him. Guys who wear t-shirts that say “SLEAZY” are usually just looking for hug, and I’m not biting. Make me an omelette and get the f out of my apartment.
Sara M figures since Scar’s the only judge for this challenge, she’ll just pour her a tall martini and pack her a bowl. I smell a winner! Just so it doesn’t seem like she’s accusing the esteemed Lakshmi of anything, she makes some French Toast, too. Bunny Foo Foo has followed suit with the French toast, because her grandma was French. What, no French Fries? How bout a French Dip? She also prepares a fresh salsa (was your other Grandma mexican?), and takes time to stump for the Breville Blender. Making salsa was a snap! All she had to do was throw some veggies in the thing and press blend! Who knew? Wait till she hears about toasters.

Bunny Foo Foo trusts BREVILLE

Troll Patch tells us that he’s got his A game workin’ today. There aren’t as many hacks left in the game to bone it harder than him this time, so he’s gonna really stretch and do something with seafood. Ugh. Get rid of this douche already.
CJ’s blueberry, marscapone and date shake with a strawberry crepe seems to go over well, and he’s not surprised. Chicks love crepes! If there was another Spice Girl, he tells us, it would be Crepe Spice. Oy. Member when the editors only focused on CJ when they had to cuz they were too lazy to aim a camera into the sky? He was really awesome back then.
Scar seems to also approve of the girls’ battling French toast dishes, but when Dung’s steak and eggs dish comes up, the goofy Howie puttering in the kitchen and sweating on his food music starts to play. Uh-oh. She isn’t a fan of steak and eggs, so he moves on to plan B. The papaya, gran marnier, gran marnier, and gran marnier shake. Damn, Padma, slow down!! She tells him she really liked the shake. Then she she falls over.

Alright, who’s gonna hold her hair back during commercial?

Scar liked everything the Chefs prepared and asks them if they had a good time. CJ says “yeah except for when Hung broke the oil”. HAHAH. I take it all back. Love ya, CJ. Ah well, didn’t work. Scar pretends she didn’t hear that and calls Dung out as one of her favorites. Shocker, boozehound. She also liked Sara M’s “egg in a hole”, but alas, there was no alcohol in her final product, so the tranny takes the prize. He bows subserviently and applauds himself. Guess what he wins? An operation? A pair of kitchen safe platforms? No! Even better! Scar’s new book, “Hot, Sweaty, Old, and Ready: How to Squeeze the Juice Out of a Raisin Before it Expires”. Conrats, Dung!
Today, Scar tells the Chefs, the game’s a changin’. Top Chef is taking the show on the road! They’re all handed plane tickets to NYC as they jump up and down and squeal. No offense to NY, but I lived there for 9 years and if I was forced to leave the ginormous penthouse of the Fountainleau to go back to that tiny dirty place, I would kick someone’s ass. The Chefs pat themselves on the back for making it this far and high five each other all the way to the Newark airport, where Scar waits for them with ominous glassy eyes. In order to make it out of Jersey and to the isle of Manhattan, they will have to get through an airport challenge. That shit is evil, hilarious, and beautiful. Everyone looks surprised that a limo didn’t arrive to whisk them away to catch Fantasia in The Color Purple. Buck up, bitches. You’re on TV.
The next morning, they are all brought to a huge hangar at the airport where Guest Judge Airplane Food awaits them. How many of us have wanted to beat this guy to a pulp over the years? Now’s your chance, chefs! Kill him!! Well, the fight is all gone from the contestants because A. they didn’t get to party in NYC, B. they were rented rooms at the Motel 6, and C. because they are forced to wear hair covering in the hangar. Gotta be sanitary! Wouldn’t want to make airplane food disgusting or anything.

Best Hung pic ever.

The rules for airplane food are interesting. Everything has to be compartmentalized and heated together for at least ten minutes, and nothing can be higher than two inches. Since Dung won the Quickfire, he gets to choose his protein first. He goes for Chilean Seabass and shrimp, because sea bass is so oily it’s almost impossible to dry out. I believe you can do it, buddy.
Baldhawk wants to reach as many people as possible, so he’s gonna do a MySpace page for his pepper crusted filet. Only trouble with that is it has to cook for ten minutes and everyone likes their steaks done differently. Also, people are moving to Facebook in droves. Troll Hawk is staying away from fish completely in this challenge to prove that he’s not just some stuttering hack…wait. Never mind. He’s doing surf and turf. Ah, well, I give him credit for not doing seafood sausage for a third time.
No one knows where anything is in this new “kitchen”, and it’s really funny watching them try to hack open cans with butcher knives. Daddy Tom comes in to check on progress, and no one’s really in the mood to kiss his butt today. They run around him and the only two he gets straight answers from are Foo Foo and CJ. He takes this as a sign that they’re cracking under the pressure. Let’s hope so. I’m bored.
CJ is running behind, and everyone’s offended that Dung is finished and cleaning his station instead of lending a helping hand. Come on, people. This ain’t the Salvation Army. Still, Baldhawk would rather lose to someone because his dish sucks it than because the other person didn’t finish in time. Interesting strategy. Don’t suck, then. Dung tells us that no one asked for his help, so whatevs. I love the surprise in the kitchen at Dung’s a-holeishness. Hullo, where have you people been all season? Haven’t you seen the Top Chef Ad, at least?

He’s the villain. Get it?

The Chefs are taken to another hangar, where Guest Judges Anthony Bourdain (YAY) and Jimmy Canora await them. Canora is from the Continental Congress of Chefs. I wonder what their stance is on illegal immigration. I guess they couldn’t just call their organization “Club of Airplane Food Guys”, but still. Pass a law or change your name. The challenge gets even harder when Scar tells them that the “experts” are going to be a plane full of real people dressed in flight attendant costumes. Ruh-roh. Real people are difficult enough to deal with without actual roles to play. I’m guessing there is gonna be some serious diva action going on on that plane. And if Madonna’s brother’s there in a costume, I’m done with this show. I swear it!
Troll Patch and Baldhawk are up first. Bunny Foo Foo tells us that in her kitchen, Chefs help each other. Noted, you’re a good person, Foo. We hear ya. And that’s why you will most likely not win this thing. Congrats. You’re not a gross enough person to win a reality show in 2007. The NY strip steak and lobster hash “surf and turf” Troll Patch prepared looks slimy. The Judges are shocked by the size of the steak, but the real people just love it. It’s huge! You win! But wait, the vegetables. Not good. How can you cook vegetables just as long in the same heat you use for a huge steak and expect them not to look like this?

Scar’s meat is over-cooked. Duh. It was cooked and then reheated in a general ten minute blast of heat. Baldhawk, who just changed out of his SLEAZY shirt, makes fun of the tacky steak and calls it Flinstonian. Keep talkin’, Apocolypto.

Throw it down the pyramid!

Both dishes looked like they just escaped from a slimy pod. Law Number 1 in Continental Congress: don’t make airplane food look like you’ve already digested it and re-plated it for the next sucka. You’re both sentenced to a lifetime of awkward hair growth patterns everywhere above the neck.
Baldhawk’s steak au poivre may be a bit rich, but everyone loves it, and it gets the Flight Attendant stamp of approval. Only problem is, he somehow miscounted his portions and left a guy without a dish. Sad horns. Not for Baldhawk, but for the guy who got dissed. You know it happens to him all the time.

OMG WHY is this always happening to me?!?

Hung’s turn. He starts by telling us that he feels he’s very, very good, and he’s chosen Chilean Sea Bass, because it’s elegant. Well, it was, before it became over-farmed and nearly extinct seven years ago. Now it’s just kinda tacky. You can tell this kid masturbated to his mom’s old Good Housekeeping magazines when he was a kid. Grow up and get with the times! Jerk off to a current issue of Food and Wine, like any other young pre-op trying to get off the streets and live a cultured life in the PRESENT.
He’s serving with Sara, who is pretty confident about her seared salmon and leek fondue, but she’s worried that she may have overcooked some of the fish. The real people love it, but as we know, that don’t mean squat. Sure enough, Bourdain and Daddy Tom are like aw hell no.

Yo Mama!

It’s Hung’s turn, and he asks for Foo Foo’s help. She tells us that of course, of course she helped Dung. Even though she hates him and wishes he was dead. You won Top Good Person. Sorry, no one watched. Cancelled. Hung’s seabass was beloved by both the real people and the judges. Well, Bourdain and Daddy Tom, at least. They aren’t showing Scar and the Congressman. I’ll bet hers is overcooked, though.
CJ’s made seared halibut and toasted farro with mint oil. He browned the broccoli a bit, but he’s pretty confident that he’ll impress. Bourdain says it looks like something found in the bottom of Bob Marley’s closet. LOL. That’s why you make the big bucks, Disdain! He really gets into railing on this dish, and finally ends with “sickening”. Scar and the Congressman aren’t into it either, and even the real people are turning. Sorry, one nut. Now’s probably the time to roll up your sleeve and show off your LIVESTRONG band.
Lucky for our sweet Foo Foo! Bourdain and Tom have nothing but good things to say about her veal medallions and cauliflower. Cut to Scar agreeing with the Congressman that cauliflower should never be served on a plane. She says people need something gentler on the tummy. Like a huge steak covered in slime? Whatevs. Foo’s golden on this one.

Now get back to work. Scar’s thirsty.

Horror music plays as Lakshmi goes to tell the chefs that the results were mixed, and one of them will be horribly murdered by the end of the next commercial break. Foo Foo hopes she wins just so she won’t be stuck in Jersey. LOL, Foo. They’d fly you out. Even the cheapo producers on Top Chef wouldn’t leave you wandering around the streets of Jersey looking for a Greyhound station. Would they? I smell another spin-off! And…cancelled. CJ tells us that he’s realized that he belongs in NY. He got a bit complacent there for awhile, but he’s got talent enough to stand beside the remaining yokels, and he knows he can do it now! Poor guy. He has no idea what’s coming.
Time for Judges Table. Baldhawk’s steak au poiver was excellent, but he came up short a portion, which is a major strike against him. Troll Patch’s steak was all over the place as far as temperature went, his veggies were black and nasty, and his lobster was rubbery. Hung’s seabass was delicious, but Foo Foo’s veal really wowed Bourdain. He reminded the other Judges that this was not Top Good Person or Top Cook, it’s Top Chef, and Foo showed innovation, daring, and he liked how her pony tail bounced back and forth as she perfectly enunciated everything she said. Hearts and lerv. On the other hand, CJ’s broccolini was atrocious and Sara’s overcooked salmon and lame ass cous cous was depressing.
Hung, Foo Foo, and Baldhawk are all called in together. They are, of course, the top three. Daddy Tom rolls his eyes at Baldhawk’s miscounting excuse, but he chooses to exude all his attitude from that backwards hat. Seriously, Gadzooks. Back to your forties, now. Dung completely agrees that he should be in the top, and Foo Foo looks really scared as she gets her compliments. Don’t be scared, Foo! You won! Unfortunately, Scar’s out of books, so she gets stuck with two round trip tickets anywhere Continental flies. She chooses to go right across the bridge and hang out with the gang at Central Perk.

Foo’ll be there for you.

Everyone’s happy for her, Sara so much so that it’s pretty obvious she thinks she’s only in the bottom three because there are only three left. Uh, no. Bourdain is quick to assure her that her salmon sucked it so bad that it was close to cat food territory. Scar jumps in on the dry cous cous, and Tom just sits back with his arms crossed and nods silently like a badass. What the hell is wrong with Daddy today? His midlife crisis is extremely intimidating. He finally speaks up when it’s CJ’s turn. Wow, that dish was a stinker. What gives? CJ says he wishes he put more broccolini on the plate…wrong answer. Bourdain said the broccolini was a mistake from the start. Bad idea to cook it that way, bad idea to send it out of the kitchen looking so bad. It wouldn’t cut the mustard in a prison. Ouch. CJ stops trying to make jokes after that comment and looks down at his ball. Don’t bring it up, One Nut! Bourdain will cut it off and serve it to you.
Tom asks Troll Patch if he’s surprised that he’s in the bottom and the answer is “yes. Very.” Tom deadpans “You’re here because your lobster hash was disgusting.” Doh. Poor guy looks like he’s gonna cry, but he doesn’t so Bourdain says the lobster had the texture of a doll head. Tough not to picture Disdain ripping off doll heads with his mouth now, and I like it. Now there’s your spin off. Troll Patch is less amused. He looks like he’s gonna cry, and tries to make a joke about never making lobster right in these challenges. Then he says it will never happen again. He giggles maniacally before they are all sent back to the holding room to wait it out, and Disdain seems unsettled by his personality.
Bourdain doesn’t get much of a chance to speak because Daddy Tom is railing against everything with some serious hate. Trying to impress the master? It’s kinda cute. Troll Patch? Disgusting! Sara? Hated it. Bourdain calls CJ’s dish “hell” and Tom says the broccolini was the worst thing ever served during three years of the competition. Ouch, and I doubt it. There has been some pretty stiff competition this year alone for that prize. Review the tapes of the Restaurant Wars Challenge and get back to me on that one.
Scar really hams it up for this elimination. Is someone trying to get back into acting?

Oh, spit it out, Meryl.

She chokes back air tears and tells CJ to pack up his knives and get the fuck out. He thanks them for the opportunity and says he learned a lot. About broccolini. And life. And love. Buh bye. I’m pretty surprised by this ouster, how bout you? I thought Troll Patch was a goner. Ah, well, there’s always the lobster he tries to make next week.