Top Chef: Cave Man Overboard

We’re past the half way mark and now it’s time to see our Chefs really shine! Right? RIGHT? Get your life vests, this is gonna get ugly.
This week on Top Chef, we learned all the drag queens in the world can’t make Smurf Village a classy place, “beautiful people” can sometimes mean fat bald dudes and the hags that love them, and when in doubt, use puff pastry. Unless your Judge hates carbs. And excuses. And sweat.

Why you little devil!

We may have had two weeks off, but to the remaining contestants, Scar just told Tre to pack up his knives and get the f out, and they’re skerd. CJ stands by his decision to nominate Tre as executive chef in the last challenge and the guy knew what he was getting into and he feels bad but don’t look at him he didn’t force anyone into anything TRE I’M SORRY!!! WAAAAHHHH!!!!
For the first time ever, Hung feels bad about someone going home. With Tre gone, Dung’s left to lose to a complete moron. If he loses. Which he won’t. He’s not thinking about losing. But if he does, it’s gonna be to a retard.
Sara M and Bunny Foo Foo hang out in the kitchen, psyched that they have boobies and are still in the competition. Seriously, women, what happened this year? I blame Ted Allen! Sara M has learned the phrase “Let’s blow this joint!” and shouts it with the pride and amusing confidence my cleaning lady had when she first used the phrase “back up off my grill!” Oh, Romana. Always learning. Foo Foo laughs and gnaws on a stick until it turns into a kabob skewer. Man, I hope the challenges today are stressful, because any one of these people could have a nervous breakdown in the next hour. And Scar has the only joints to blow. Damn her.
The Guest Judge for the Quickfire Challenge is Michael Schwartz. I tried to Google him and Wikipedia him and only a plastic surgeon and a wedding DJ came up, so I can only judge him by his cartoon devil chin beard and his restaurant’s cheesy name: Michael’s Genuine Food and Drink. How was your dinner tonight, Sir? Well, I asked for a steak and I got a steak! You people are genuine as they come! I’m coming back and telling my friends about this place! Don’t tell me that was an actual Diet Coke, too! That’s craaaazy! Howie looks totally impressed.

Howie! Congrats! You just won 100 million dollars!

Today’s Quickfire is called Aisle Trial. I was hoping it would be like that gameshow, Supermarket Sweep, where a bunch of homely white bread couples run through a Ralph’s and get their grubby hands on anything they can reach, but nooooo. The Chefs will be each be limited to their own aisle in the supermarket and have ten dollars to buy ingredients. I call freezer section! Chubby Hubby! I win! When they get back to the Not Kenmore Kitchen, they will have twenty minutes to prepare a dish that meets Guest Judge Schwartz’ specifications: look good, taste good. There’s a thought. In addition to what they grab at the store, they will have a table of basics to use in the kitchen. A bottle of Bombay Sapphire’s on the table, which is just awesome, cuz I keep my gin next to my eggs, too. Go Lee Anne!
Howie has picked the canned fruit and fruit juice aisle. Poor thing must feel like a vegan at a cattle ranch. Dung gets the cereal and coffee aisle, and I hope he gives another shout out to his little buddy Marcel and tries to make his eggs and coffee dish from last year. It was just misunderstood, I tell you! Maybe it’s time has come? Nope, he grabs a bottle of Hershey’s Syrup off the top shelf and stares at it like he’s praying to the almighty Hershey God for some inspiration. No one’s having an easy time on this one.
Troll patch is in the canned seafood aisle, which worries him because Daddy Tom thinks he’s only capable of preparing seafood. Where would he get that idea? He eyes some Spam and figures now’s the time to make the jump into unchartered territory. With Spam. Did I mention SPAM?? Good lord, man. Get out of your comfort zone, but don’t make us all sick doing it. And what is Spam still doing on the shelves of a grocery store in 2007?
Back in the kitchen, Dung is crushing Fruit Loops and preparing a plate that, as Baldhawk points out, looks like Smurf Village. If Smurf Village had been bought by drag queens, rented out by Care Bears, and redecorated by this guy:

Man, this episode is getting really ugly really fast. Dung has lost his mind, CJ accidentally put salt into his curried risotto instead of sugar, and Howie’s canned mandarin dish was so grodie that he tossed it out twenty seconds before time was called. I know that this isn’t an Elimination Challenge, but the producers can’t let him survive another week when he’s the only contestant to not finish a challenge not once, but twice. Oh, man, Howie. I was just starting to like you! Wait. No I wasn’t. Well done, looza!!
The first dish up is Sara M’s veggie aisle “free form” ravioli with white bean puree and sweet peas. She looks proud of herself as little Guest Judge Schwartzy tastes, and then Scar says “It’s not as bad as I though it would be”. Sara tells her to go find some old rich troll to do and Schwartzy snaps big.
Next is Troll Patch’s Spam, corned beef and egg dish, which he has decorated like Halloween.

Scared yet?

Now?

Scar looks like she’s gonna hurl. Too bad this dish couldn’t have been served last, it would have saved her the trouble of wet napping her pointer finger after commercial break. Schwartzy admits/brags that he has never tried Spam before, and he doesn’t look so psyched that he’s being forced to now, but after tasting it, he says it was great.
Baldhawk chose the soup aisle and he has come up with a dish including ramen noodle, hominy, queso fresco and an egg. Another freakin egg? WTF? I don’t know about you, but so far, every single dish has seemed so, so, so wrong. He has topped this wack treat with chile and calls it a very spicy Mexican breakfast. Both Schwartzy and Scar have to take a water break. That poor girl’s gonna be as thick as dental floss by the end of this challenge.
CJ had the condiment and pickle aisle, and his curried risotto…well…

Alright, who gave the cat human food?

Before Schwartzy even dares taste it, CJ admits that he accidentally used salt instead of sugar, and he almost died from testicular cancer. Schwartzy’s all awwwww! and Scar’s like “still though. Ew.” Foo Foo totally has the edge here so far. Her pudding with mango preserve, ginger snaps and lemon should win just for not looking completely disgusting.
When he gets to Dung’s Smurf Care Bear Drag Queen Design Star Village, he goes “what the fuck is that?” LOL. He follows up with “that’s some crazy shit”, but he says it in the “man, that’s wicked awesome” way instead of the “who are you and how the hell did you get on this show” way, which worries me. Nope. Hated it. He says “whimsical? Maybe. Fabulous? No.” HAHA. Dung gets his pissy face on and retorts “Well, it’s different”. So are retarded children, Dung. And no one wants to eat them. He knows he won’t win this because of that closeminded ass Judge. Dude, you’re lucky this isn’t elimination challenge, because you’d be tied with Howie and be sent on a bus and truck tour of Miss Sai-gone, so shut it. The other Chefs laugh and cheer for Dung, which is a first, and I’m guessing, a last.

Willy Wonka and the Tranny Factory

Luckily, he’s followed by Howie, who’s got nothing. He gives it the old “I’m not gonna put something out that I’m not proud of” try, but it doesn’t fly. Scar coldy says that she’s disappointed their Guest Judge won’t have anything to clear his pallet after the Fruit Loop orgy, and hopefully Howie can come up with something in the Elimination Challenge. What? Kick his ass to the curb now! Come on!!!
Schwartzy calls him out as a bottom dish and says that not serving anything and then making excuses was a cop out. The other dish on the bottom was CJ’s. I don’t know how the guy even picked someone after that buffet of hot mess. Troll Patch wins with his Halloween Spam, and Schwartzy goes on to say that he is now a “Spam believer”. Cultured people are always so shocked and awed when they venture into white trash culinary terrain. Hullo? Most of America is po for a reason. Poordom is totally delicious. I’ve got a Frito pie that’ll knock that beard off your face, little man.
The Elimination Challenge will be to cater a party for an upcoming designer. Please don’t let it be Madonna’s brother again. I just ate. A lot. The Chefs will have to work as one cohesive unit and prepare enough food for sixty “beautiful people” using only three hundred and fifty bucks. I’m only helping you this one time, Chefs. Cigarettes and gum. Trust me. Since Troll Patch won the Quickfire, he gets to choose who’s gonna be executive chef. He takes the post for himself, saying that he’s here to lead! He does this by asking everyone what they want to do, which of course leads to a roundtable of shouting and brilliant ideas like “cucumber cups filled with tomato water.” In all fairness, that one came from Howie. Point is, ruh-roh.

Aw! Don’t hide! You’ll be fine!
Bwaahahahahhahaha

At the Fresh Market, Troll Patch’s first dilemma is Howie. He’s only got half his stuff and he’s over his allotted fifty dollar budget. TP is worried that he’s not gonna get respect from the big ape since he’s been such an a hole in the past, so he handles him with kid gloves as he takes out items from the cart and says he’ll put them on a wish list for him. Right next to the plasma tv, normally functioning sweat glands, and a cousin who’ll get drunk enough to make out with him.
Howie tells us that he’s going to behave himself today because he wants to impress the Judges on his way out and he doesn’t want people to think that he’s “some kind of person who can’t work well as a group.” Poor guy is struggling to even say “team”. You’re going home anyway. Now’s not the time to be polite. You’ve stayed this long cuz you’re an ignorant jerk, not because you’re a good team player. Grow a pair and create some drama. You’ve got forty minutes. Go!
He might be forced into some drama, as the party is going to be on a yacht. Finally, the night has arrived for Dung to spin around with a butcher knife and stab someone. The kitchen is going to be too tiny to duck for cover. After sitting through that Quickfire, I’m actually rooting the possible stabbing on. Bring it, Dung! Things start going south fast. Baldhawk had to give up his goat cheese due to Howie money restraints, and the yogurt and cream cheese for his French cheese puff just isn’t the same. Duh. Yogurt and cream cheese? Find a goat and just slap it in the face, Baldhawk. Break it’s heart.

Up shit creek.

Troll Patch is extremely confident with his dish. After the Spam win it’s good to see him take one step further into unchartered waters and prepare…ahi. What, you didn’t expect him to actually stick to that “I can do more than one thing” bs, did you? If you’re gonna make fish AGAIN, the least you could do is cook it. I guess he figures Howie’s a shoo out, so why bother? The whole Spam thing stretched his brain. Getting sleepy…
Hung is making a salmon mousse on cucumber slices. The Judges called your tuna tartare hack a couple weeks ago; good to see you learn from your mistakes, Dung. Next up, beef wellington. He explains that it’s a “classic”, and he wanted to appease the normal people. But these aren’t normal people, they’re “beautiful people”!
Daddy Tom comes into the tiny kitchen to check on progress. Howie’s making asparagus and prosciutto “cigars” and mushroom tarts. Has he made the tarts yet? Howie’s like no whatever get off my ass I’m sweatin’ like a pig here man!! Tom asks Troll Patch why he volunteered to be executive chef and “The Greatest Love of All” starts playing in the backround as TP goes into the ass kiss leadership speech. Daddy Tom knows how to make people kiss his butt and then look at them like they’re morons when they do it. Don’t worry, TP. You’ll have time to clean the brown off your nose when you’re finished not cooking.
Overall, Tom’s not impressed. He tells us that this challenge was about wowing people on a small budget and everything looked ordinary and bland. He thinks that they should have concentrated on three dishes with the small budget instead of 500, but if they made three, he would have shit an anchor. Whatevs.
Howie says that he doesn’t think he’s a jerk at all, but he’s toned down his “attitude” to prove that he’s a good guy. He reminds us that he’s a pretty good cook and he’s won some challenges here, so obviously he’s not a total shitheel. Cut to the other chefs calling his mushroom pastries hideous and dog shit-like. LOL, editors. Love ya. CJ worries that Troll Patch is being too nice. There’s a fine line between letting people shine and encouraging poop pastry. Troll Patch has no choice at this point but to encourage Howie and hope for the best. Besides, Howie learned how to make those little mushroom pastries from his Great Uncle, who invented them decades ago.

Uncle Howie makes magic in the bushes.

The Judges are again joined by Schwartzy and also by Dana Cowin, editor in chief of Food and Wine Magazine. I like her instantly, because she looks like Nora Jones in twenty years, and who doesn’t like Nora Jones? She’s so cute and palletable.

It’s 2027 and “Don’t Know Why” is still playing every five minutes. Good work,Old Nora!

The Chefs were told that their guests were going to be “the beautiful people”, meaning models. Sorry. You was lied to. These are real people. EW!!! Damn you, Top Chef! I. HATE. REAL. PEOPLE.
Troll Patch announces that hourdevours are served and the real people stampede, almost tipping the boat over. The food is gone in an instant, and the team isn’t able to keep up. The blame is immediately thrown on Troll Patch for running a loose ship, and to make his situation worse, Guest Judge Schwartzy says his ahi tastes like sea weed and Scar looks disgusted. Then the designer this classy shindig is being thrown for, Esteban, asks her if there’s any more food coming and Scar whines “Esteban wants to know if more fooood is coming!” I know I haven’t said too much about Esteban yet, but this picture should tell you everything you need to know.

I wouldn’t mess with this one. Give him what he wants. And do it fast.

Sara M’s tomato bread pudding goes over well, as does Foo Foo’s carpaccio, but Howie isn’t so lucky. Schwartzy says his cigars look “fucking disgusting”. This guy’s all class. Genuine class. The team stumbles on dessert. It’s taking forever because the boxed mousse Foo Foo and Sara took on had to be thrown away because it was watery pudding. Uh-oh. Please leave the girls alone. When all is said and done, Troll Patch feels confident because the entire deck applauded them when they came out. Sorry, but I don’t think they were applauding you.

Amazing! Do they do tricks?

Time for the Judges table. Schwartzy thinks overall the night was bland and uninventive, and Old Nora Jones didn’t like that everything was served on some kind of bread. They did like Foo Foo’s carpaccio and CJ’s shrimp sausage, though. Everyone agreed that Baldhawk’s yogurt pastry sucked it, and no one was fond of either Howie’s “cigar” or his Uncle’s famous poop pastry. Daddy Tom blames the leader for this fiasco, and he sends Scar out in her Little Mermaid works the corner outfit to tell Troll Patch and his team in for questioning.
In the holding room, Howie announces that he doesn’t care what any of the Judges say. He tasted every single item five or six times and he thought everything was awesome. Every single dish. Right, guys? We’re sticking up for each other in there, right? RIGHT? Crickets.
The Judges jump on Troll Patch first. He says that he thought the challenge went well and that he let people make more than one dish because they thought they could handle it and he’s the leader, not the executive chef. Huh? Daddy Tom doesn’t buy it either, and says that being a leader means making tough choices sometimes and saying no, not just wearing lame facial hair and talking in a fake wiseguy accent.

I’ll be Part of Your World for three years and then I’ll take half your stuff.

Tom asks Sara M why she only made one dish and she admits to making the dessert that wasn’t good enough to go out. Tom’s like “but you made that with the bunny, right?” and she’s all “uh, yes” and he goes “so shut up, I’m trying to help you, here.” Then he turns back to Troll Patch and asks why some people were allowed to choose one dish and make it well while others were allowed to make two or three things badly. Sara M, not knowing when to shut her pie hole, says that they were going for variety.
Old Nora says that they accomplished the variety goal. They had lots of different things on a whole lot of bread. Schwartzy quickly adds that nothing looked pretty before Tom asks Hung when he started cooking. “Eighty…six, seven?” “…and your food looks like it came directly from that era.” Ouch, Tom. Fell right into that trap. Hung’s like “duh, it’s classic”, and the Judges look at him like he’s nuts. And then, after trying to pull off the sweet act for the past few episodes, he lets out his inner Dung and gets agitated. So what if salmon mousse has been done? It’s been done for the past three hundred years! So has asparagus and parmesan! Bread pudding’s been done for the past five hundred years! Am I right?

Don’t think I won’t take you over my knee, young manlady!

Old Nora looks stunned by the outburst, but Tom just laughs and asks if Dung could do better. Of course! Moving on. Well, you can’t fire everyone. Howie tries the bitch ass attitude too, but it doesn’t work as well for him. When he smarts off to Schwartzy after being called out for going on about integrity being the reason he didn’t produce a dish in the Quickfire and then serving utter crap in the Elimination Challenge, the Guest Judge is like WTF’s with this guy? Smooth, cave man.
Daddy Tom gives props to both Sara M and Foo Foo for staying within their budget and making one great dish each. Foo Foo points out the dessert again and Tom’s like “SHUT UP ALREADY AND LET ME HELP YOU!” He asks the Chefs if anyone thought the mushroom duxelles, the asparagus, or the chicken was good. No one answers and he says the silence is deafening. I am impressed that no one went into tattletale mode, but I’m also really bored. Wait. Howie’s raising his hand and asking to address the panel. YAY!!
He says that only one person can win and he understands that so he would rather quit now than see Troll Patch get eliminated. Wow. That’s big of you. Especially when you know you’re screwed anyway. Scar’s like oh hell no, bitch ass. I’m gonna tell you to pack up your knives and get the fuck out when I’m good and ready. I lost that chance with Homeless Mia last year and I’m not about to lose it again!

You earned this moment! Enjoy it!

The Chefs are sent to the holding room while the Judges talk it over. They agree that the top dishes belonged to Sara M, Foo Foo, and CJ. Deciding on the worst was way harder. Howie produced two steaming piles, Baldhawk made a really nasty yogurt puff pastry, and Old Nora hated Dung’s cheesy cucumber with salmon “mousse”. She puts her head in her hands and moans “it was just so baaad!” The regular Judges all laugh, like “yeah. That’s Dung for ya.” And yet here he is. Oy.
In the holding room, Dung tries to get snooty about his salmon but CJ shuts him up by reminding him that he admitted that he did the mousse because it was easy. Troll Patch is all worked up about the Judges “making me feel like I did something wrong.” Silence. Foo Foo says “you did a good job” and he whines “I diiid!” Ugh. What is this season turning into? Out of more than twenty dishes made this episode, three or four were deemed edible? Fire them all and start Project Runway, already.
Foo Foo’s lucky Genuine Schwartzy hasn’t written any books, because she doesn’t get one as her prize for winning her first elimination challenge. Instead, she gets a Mac Book Pro! Sweet! Here’s to Chef’s that don’t hawk lame books! Cheers, Foo!
Troll Patch, Baldhawk, Dung, and Howie are kept in front of the Judges as the bottom four. Daddy Tom says they all sucked it tonight, but Howie sucked it the hardest. Scar takes some pleasure in annunciating “Howie, please pack your knives and get the f…” and he’s all yeah, yeah. Then music plays as Scar puts her face in her hands like she just had to make the toughest decision ever. Wait! That can’ be it! We’re owed a double elimination, and if there was an episode to do it, it was this one. Come on, producers!!
In his exit interview, Howie says he regrets the way he’s acted towards his fellow contestants, but he doesn’t regret anything. Umkay. Off to that new career as an English teacher. He says other stuff, but I can’t hear him cuz I’m cheering so loudly. This should have happened six weeks ago, but I’ll take what I can get.

How do you stay so thin?