Big Brother: Plucked

Previously on Big Brother, America handed the Dicks five hundred thousand dollars.

This Summer, I have really started to question my country. We went and stuck our nose somewhere it didn’t belong and now look what’s happened. The loudest and the meanest are prevailing while the innocent Jews, Moderates, and Christians duck for cover and wait to be obliterated. Don’t worry, I’m not talking about the war in Iraq, but that sucks, too.
This is a time we as a nation need to be united, so to get my raging emotions over the Reign of the Dicks in check, I have come up with a way to redirect the anger. I have decided to blame America Ferrera. Why pit myself against millions of (likely armed) rednecks when I can actually just stalk and threaten one cute little actress?

I’ll get you, America!!

The Chenbot is wearing diamond everything tonight and has slipped on her glittler skin. Shine a light directly on her and she’ll look like the tip of a lighthouse. Storm’s over, ChenChen, but you got three ships back to safety! Nice work! Now back to the game, you multi-tasker!
Tonight will be a Big Brother Fast Forward episode!! A whole week’s worth of competitions will be held in the next hour, and two House Guests will get the boot. It’s an uphill battle for everyone who’s not a Donato, because as the bot points out, the Dicks hold the “plower”.

Tune up on the front patio!

Jameka has become close with Jess and refuses to campaign against her. If that’s her downfall in the game, then so be it. Actually, your downfall was trying so hard to be a “good person” that you gave up five chances at the HOH suite FOR NO REASON, but who’s counting?
The Dicks talk about getting rid of Jess. She has to go this week, but Dick doesn’t like the way that Jameka hasn’t been showing any fear and wants to take her down a peg. His plan is to make her think she’s going home and then ten minutes before the competition, he’s gonna offer her a “deal with the Devil”. He is confident that she’ll take it, but I’m severely hopeful that she finally ties back her weave, slathers her face with Vaseline, screams the f word and scratches his eyes out.
When he gets Jameka alone on the patio, he tells her that he thought it would be “the cool thing to do” to let her know that she’s going into the sequester house this week and if she wants to talk about anything, she can. She tells him her views on God and peace and immigration reform and then they hug and promise to meet once a year at the Olive Garden in the Mall for the rest of their lives just to check in. That Dick. What a charmer. So far, his plan is going swimmingly.

I’m here for the children! WAAAHHHH!!!

After sobbing about wanting to win for everyone but herself, Jameka pulls her shit together and goes to tell Jessica the news, which Jessica of course immediately goes and tells Eric. The version of the story changes with each telling, but the moral stays the same. Dick has the girls skerd. Eric’s eyebrows tell Jess that they’re confident Dick is telling Jameka the truth. He made a promise and Eric and Jess both just saved he and his bony sister’s asses last week. He wouldn’t do it!! Jess is soothed by his WRONGness, as usual.
Time for America Ferrera’s next assignment. She’s already done enough damage, so today she decides to show us her charitable side and order Eric to get Jameka out of the house. He’s psyched, because the only way he has a chance in Hell of winning is with his squeak toy by his side. He thanks America for the assignment and reminds everyone to set their DVR’s season pass for Ugly Betty, premiering on September 27th!
Eric asks Dicklet to join him on the patio to watch him perform a really sad, twitchy, beggy monologue. He tells her that she’s lucky cuz she’s pretty and she can get laid by the hottest options but for guys like him, girls as blind deaf and dumb as Jess are few and far between and PLEASE DON’T TAKE HER FROM ME!! Dani gives him the impression that she’s saying “I’m not going to cock block you, dear friend”, but really she’s just spouting out “no worries”, and “you’re all good”s at him, which is LA slang for “I’m not listening to a word you’re saying.” And why should she feel pity? She gave up her hot piece of ass weeks ago for this show. The look on her face as Eric repeatedly bows his head like a dog apologizing for pooping on the carpet is such a blatant reveal of her inner bitch that I’d accuse her of being a bad actress if this were any other show.

Subtle

The bot welcomes us to the living room, where she is about to tell the HG’s about the crazy night they have ahead of them. The second Dick knows the cameras are on him, he gives a classy, heartfelt shout out to his people.

Dear Dick Fans, here’s a screensaver for ya. Don’t say I never gave ya nothin’.

Before letting Jameka and Jess plead their cases, the bot tells the HG’s that by the end of the hour, they will be down to the final four. Eric’s eyebrows shit their pants. Ok, now you can give your speeches. We don’t know whether or not Dick carried out his last minute “deal with the devil” plan or not, and Jameka’s speech is cryptic. She says that she may have made some historically stupid moves in the game, but one thing that’s been consistent is her word. If she gives it to you, you know it’s solid. OK, so she told Dick to go fuck himself cuz she gave Jess her word, right? Wait, then she says that in this game, “Strategic first, conversations later.” Huh?
Jess says that she thought the worst week in the house would be the week she had to spend with Carol, but sitting next to Jameka was harder. Aw, she’s crying! Sweet little booyah. Can I borrow five bucks? Time to vote. It’s so intense that the bot’s head explodes anti-freeze all over the screen.

Ka-Pow!

Her replacement is wheeled in just in time to give Eric his next assignment from that little bitch, America. After the HOH competition is held, she will ask one of the HG’s to lead everyone back inside. That’s the person he has to target. Eric giggles and shifts his eyes really fast. This guy’s about to crack. Yay!
Dick votes against Jessica, which means Jameka most likely took the bait. DAMMIT. Dicklet tells the bot that it’s really haaard knowing two people are getting evicted. She is wearing a dress that’s made from the same fabric used on the eviction couch and she’ll just die if she has to sit there later. She “unfortunately” has to vote against keeping her word and sticking to an alliance and possibly breaking her brother’s pattern of being a lying backstabbing evildoer Jessica.
When Jess is told she’s out, she cries and hugs Meka. Eric takes her in his arms and tells her that he’s so sorry and he’s gonna win this game for her. Gee thanks. Ass. You winning half a mil that could have been hers would be so romantic. She rolls her eyes at first, but he doesn’t let go and she kisses him goodbye. Aw. LOVE YA BOOYAH!!
The Dicks and Zach thankfully don’t muster the gumption to fake hug her and tell her how much they love her as she leaves, and when Eric makes his way to the kitchen, he says he’s not surprised and he understands. Well, you should. You and your mousey magazine assistant friend packed your girl’s bags last week. He tells Daniele that he would have appreciated the truth when he asked for it and she starts in with her “I knooooow! But…” The editors cut her off, but I am sure she continued on to say “you don’t understand how haaaard it iiiiis for meeee!!!”
Jess squints as shiny Chen asks her if she didn’t campaign because Eric’s eyebrows assured her that she was safe. She answers yes, but it wouldn’t have done her any good to campaign anyways. She knew she couldn’t trust the Donatos but she thought she could. Sentences like that one are the reason I love this girl. She feels that their minds might have been made up when they got wind of the double eviction cuz they were like seriously scared of her. Aw. Now that’s spirit. The bot asks her if her feelings for Eric were real and she cries and says that they are!! Cute! I can’t wait til she finds out who he’s been seeing behind her back. I’ll meet you in Burbank and we’ll team up to find Ferrara and beat her ass, Jess!
In the goodbye videos, the Dicks say how sorry they are, Zach says how sorry he is and Jameka says how sorry she is. Sorry doesn’t buy Prada, bitches! Eric cries and states his love, and you know he means it because for the first time EVER, his eyebrows don’t move once in five full seconds and he makes the same face an orangutan makes before it shows you the orange in it’s mouth.

Show me the orange! Go ahead cutie! Show me the orange!

The remaining HG’s head out to the backyard for the HOH competition while America decides who to make her little toy target next. The only players in today’s game will be Eric and the Dicks. They are on a three step platform. The step below them says AFTER and the one behind them says BEFORE. They will answer the bot’s questions by stepping up or down, and whoever doesn’t guess wrong or fall on their ass wins.
First question. Did Nick choose Dicklet as his slurp mate before or after he had already hit on every woman (besides Fail) in the house? They all guess after. That was an easy one. Next question: Did Dick threaten to ass rape Jenius before or after she called him a skeezy old perv and refused to let him rub butter off her? Dick has to think about that one. He can remember wanting to violently rape her before, but did he actually vocalize it or was that later? He eventually joins Eric and Dicklet on after. Correct!
Dani’s the only one who correctly answers that Amber became a meth addict after she had a child, putting her in the lead. The score is even again after she wrongly guesses that God slapped a sexual harassment suit on Jameka before she said she could taste Him. Dani and Eric are tied for the lead after guessing that Nick told Joe he’d given a guy a blowjob before giving Joe a blowjob.
Eric and Dani get the next question right, putting the Dicks at 4 and Eric in the lead with 5. Dicklet looks like she’s gonna have a nervous breakdown. The competitive side of this girl just cracks me up. When it comes to winning games, Dicklet wants her oompa loompa NOW, daddy! The Dicks tie the score with Eric by guessing Jessica went for Eric after he went freeballing in loose shorts on the patio. Eric guessed before, which is both cute and sad.
Final question! Did Janelle call Dick sexy before or after she took mind altering drugs? Dick is of course delusional and answers before…and he’s right! What? RIGGED! What woman would say those things sober?? Damn you, Janelle!
Dick is the new HOH! Oh, crap. Thank God his reign will be short. And possibly really, really ugly, because America has told Eric to campaign against…drumroll, DICKLET!! Wow, America. Way to spell IHATEYOU out for poor Eric. The HG’s are given a couple of moments to chat. Eric and Jameka whisper rapidly, but all I hear is…

OMG WTF we’re dead shit taste God gangsta OMG no chance dead bye love ya call me love your hair hope it wins.

The mood in the house is tense, to say the least. Dick paces around so fast he almost has a lung collapse, and when everyone is brought back to the living room, Eric says he doesn’t even need to announce the nominees cuz everyone knows Dick’s gonna put up his little sister. Man, I gotta give Eric credit. Even after being completely whipped and torn apart by America, he does his best to carry out his orders like a good little gimp. Dick nominates his eyebrows and Jameka. No shocker there.
The Veto competition’s a doozy. All five of the remaining players put on protective gear and stand on a target in the middle of the backyard. Over five thousand balls will rain down on them. They have to find the green ones and put them in a tube. Whoever fills their tube first wins. Before the balls even start falling, Eric tries to lean on Zach and block him. LOL. Zach, who’s like…uh, seven feet tall, just brushes him off. As I watch this segment, I have to pause because I am laughing so hard. Oh, Eric!

McLovin: the 25 Year Old Hawaiian Organ Donor

All you hear are rubber balls hitting the floor and the players’ helmets along with a soundrack of “Ow! Ow my head! Ow my face!” from Dicklet, like she’s the only one being subjected to the pelting. She runs off screen and screams “OW! What the fuck was that??” We didn’t see what happened, but Eric might have tried to lean back on her. Man, he’s really smooth. He jumps up and down and swats his hands through the air like he’s being attacked by bees. The bot announces that Jameka is disqualified for putting a blue ball in her tube and Jameka yells that it must have just landed there and she had nothing to do with it. She yell begs “watch the tape, Julie!!” Sorry, no time, and Zach wins anyway.
The HG’s gather back in the living room for the last round of voting. Jameka looks like she is about to hyperventilate as she desperately announces that she feels like she “still has a lot to contribute to this house”. Well, you lose a lot, so there’s that. Eric tells Zach that he has no expectation that the veto will be used, but he, equally as desperately, reminds the HG’s that everyone on the jury hates his ass and he hasn’t won a competition in weeks. True, but Dick is biting his nails and is plainly thinking about smoking you right now.
Zach says that he isn’t going to use the veto, and Jameka has calmed down a bit by the time we’re back from commercial. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I’m a woman of my word, I’m a good good woman of my word and I’m a good person woman who stands by her word. Word.” Eric reminds Zach and the Dicks that he’s the only reason they’re still in the game and even though they betrayed him today, he would hope they’d at least have the decency to let him make the final four. Dicklet looks touched by the speech.

Are we there yet?

Zach and Daniele both vote out Eric, and he’s pissed. But, just like every other victim that’s been led to the meat grinder by the family from Hell, he is too much of a wimp to say anything about just getting royally fucked by the Dicks. Instead, he wishes everyone luck and says no sour grapes just a game we should totally hang out soon live long and prosper I’m wishing on a star for ya. Dicklet cheerily says “Give Jen our regards!” Instead of punching her in the face, he laughs that he hopes Jenius has been killed in a shark attack by now. Sorry, wuss. That was you.
As he makes his way to the patio, the Dicks scurry into the bathroom to confirm that Jameka’s ass is next. Dick reminds his little sister that even if Jameka wins HOH this week, she promised she would leave them alone and Jameka is too much of a sucka to go back on her word. Oh, man, Jameka. You let him get to you? Boooooo!
The bot asks Eric how he feels after wanting to get into the BB house for so long. He says it was an honor to be America’s player and he’s grateful and go to hell, you backstabbing morons. Is his love for his squeak toy real or was it all strategy? He says that in no way was he faking it and he’s just sorry that America screwed her over, too. Now he’s off for some really awkward moments in sequester. I’m both infuriated with America and thrilled for Jameka. Whatever happens in the last few episodes will happen, but I can go to bed smiling about at least one of the players who got the axe tonight.

Bye bye, bitch.

Man. We all knew it was coming down to this. It’s now a David and Goliath story. Can Jameka finally get her shit together and start winning competitions in order to even the score here? Will the Donatos be rewarded for being the biggest assholes ever? Or will Zach keep up his winning streak and take the whole thing? It was written long ago that the meek shall inherit the Earth…
And you thought I didn’t read the Bible.