Top Chef: Plugging Rocco

I went to the freezer and pulled out my dinner. As I unscrewed the top from the bottle of Sapphire (come on, I’m on a diet!) I stared at my powered off TV with disdain. I am still pretty upset about last week’s Watch What Happens When A Bunch of People You Didn’t Like Very Much the First Time Get Together and Make You Miss Tim Gunn More Than Ever Special. I’m still having Bobblehead nightmares. Damn you, Bravo!
Well, it turns out my favorite show came back in top form. All is forgiven. Still, MISS YOU TIMMY G! This week, Top Chef taught us that Botox shouldn’t just be for the ladies, IQF isn’t a shopping network, and if you want a big stubborn lug to hear you, hit him on the head with a pan.

Don’t cry! You’re totally pretty!

Watching Lia get cut off at the knee pads last week has the remaining Chefs a little skerd. They all take it differently. Baldhawk tries the positive thinking route and says that everyone left is so talented that they can handle whatever comes their way. As long as they can keep putting prepared food on their plates, he’s golden. Joey, on the other hand, says that it’s time for people to start throwing each other under the bus and over the balcony. Joey’s won or been in the top on the last couple of challenges, and he sounds a bit paranoid that his cast mates will turn against him or try to get him in trouble because he’s just so damned talented. It’s hard not to picture the contestants all making a group effort to lift him over the balcony railing at the Fountainbleau or trying to run him over with a bus. Both options are dangerous to an innocent public, so I suggest they just put a bucket of fried chicken at the end of a long hallway and hope for a heart attack.
Today’s Guest Judge is Rocco DiSpirito, and wow. Is it the lighting in the Not Kenmore Kitchen? What the hell happened to this guy? I really only know him from his disastrous reality show The Restaurant, but I remember him being hot. He looks like a cheaply made action figure of his former self. Damn outsourcing, India put way too much skin on this doll! Partying can really bring out the uggo in a guy.

Yikes

When Brian tells us that Rocco’s known for being “cutting edge”, I crack up. Yeah, penne marinara and lasagna’s really out there. It’s not fish, which might give Troll Patch trouble, but I still call malarkey. Rocco’s known as a randy piece of ass. Don’t front.
Today’s Quickfire Challenge does not involve cooking. It involves WIT! Uh-oh. Rocco will host a “culinary bee”, where the Chefs will all have to answer ingredient trivia. The smartest Chef wins. Howie’s psyched for this one, because as he tells us, “I’m a thinker. I am!” Is it me, or is this already the best episode ever?
Joey’s the first one out. He didn’t know what yucca was. No fair! You gave him a vegetable! He blames his mind going blank on the fact that he was intimidated by “Padama” and the ass hat standing next to her. LOL, Joey. I call bullshit when Hung gets oatmeal! Come on!! Bunny Foo Foo had to swallow fish paste! For round 2, Scar hands Hung a sample to taste and he says he doesn’t need to taste it and spits out an answer. Scar asks if he’s sure he doesn’t want to taste it. He does and changes his response. She smiles and cuts him. Have to take your first answer! HAHA. The other Chefs practically cheer and One Ball says it best: “The guy’s just such a douche!”

Shhhhh! He’s thinking.

It’s down to Foo Foo and Troll Patch, and Brian thinks he’s got it in the bag until he misses Japanese Eggplant. Aw, poor guy. Don’t be so hard on yourself. It wasn’t shrimp. Rigged! Foo Foo still has to get one more question right to beat him though, so she swings her pony tail back and forth snottily and tastes. “What is….roasted red bell pepper?” LOL, Jeopardy. Foo Foo wins! I’m glad she’ll be around another week because I know it will make Birdsong smile back home. Love you, Birdsong!
The Elimination Challenge will be to make something awesome out of Bertolli Frozen Pasta. Yikes. Rocco assures the Chefs that he does it every day. They are split up into teams of two, and Joey and Hung get stuck together. YAAAAYYYY!!! Have you ever seen a big fat snake in a cage with a little mouse running around like a chicken without a head, knowing it’s about to be dinner? It’s great entertainment.
They will have two hours to cook tonight, and an hour to pack their food tomorrow. Huh? This sounds fishy. The Chefs agree. Scar has a trick up her…oh right. She doesn’t wear sleeves. EVER. The winners will receive a trip to Italy! Holy crap! I’ll bet the previous winners of a bottle of wine or a crappy cook book are pissed right now. I hope Hung and Joey win, just because I like to imagine them galavanting around Italy together. They can hold hands and throw pennies into fountains and Hung can gently explain that pizza’s American. Aw, relationships. Oh, darn. Joey tells us that if he wins, he’s gonna send his mother and his sister. He must already know about the no pizza thing.

Wait til they tell him about French Fries. His whole world’s gonna fall.

Dung’s actually very happy that he’s been paired with Joey, because Joey’s Italian so he’ll understand the cultural aspects of the Challenge, leaving Dung to worry about “the science”. Riiight. I bet Rocco never knew his frozen food line was so deep. The first signs of team trouble come with Sara M and Howie. Shocker. Howie doesn’t like Sara M’s negative attitude. That’s a good one, Flinstone. You’re the most negative nellie here. I can’t wait for him to start yelling and sweating.
Baldhawk and Bunny Foo Foo are in new friend love at the Fresh Market. Since everyone else is doing either chicken or shrimp, they’re gonna go out on a crazy ass limb and make meatballs! Brilliant! And also kinda difficult to evenly defrost. And also not Mediterranean at all. Good times. Howie is in full on dick mode. He’s discounting and disparaging everything Sara M does, down to the pasta she chooses (Just a question, aren’t they supposed to be using the frozen pasta? I’m confused.) He calls the pasta she picks cheesy and hack. Then he tells the cameras that he’ll be damned if he’s going home because of someone else’s inability to work in a team. Then he sweats. A lot.
Back in the kitchen. the Chefs are putting their fingers in everything and Joey and Hung are sharing a spoon. I get that you have to taste what you’re cooking, but ew. Troll Patch is having trouble with Saran because she’s so. Sloooowwwww. She takes like ten hours to cut a bell pepper, and the editors slip in some dopey Tortoise and the Hare music while she dallies. Brian’s pissed, but remember TP, the Tortoise won.
Daddy Tom comes in to check on progress and immediately calls Baldhawk out on using canned artichoke hearts. Well, you’re the one who’s been encouraging his use of pre-prepared foods. Bad parenting = bad frozen dinners. Wait. Did I just diss my mom’s parenting? Sorry, moms!
Troll Patch tells Daddy that he and Saran are making “Trojan Chicken Pasta”. Tom asks if anything’s gonna “come out of it”, and Brian promises that it will be “loaded with surprises”. Am I the only one who “ew”ed? Let’s just hope they don’t get a leaky Glad Bag.

Hungry?

Next, Tom asks Joey and Hung what they learned when they looked inside the Bertolli bag and Hung leans down and poses like he’s in the personality round of “Miss Tranny Korea Town” and tells Daddy about the science of the Individual Quick Freeze.

Rica Suave

Shut it, Dung. Tom tells us that even though Hung and Joey are being nice to each other, the bizarre pairing might be disastrous. Hung’s really fast and “opening things” while Joey just kinda plods along and wheezes. He’s also a bit worried that Baldhawk and Foo Foo have fallen to deeply into GBF love to realize they’re not making anything remotely Mediterranean, and he took Troll Patch’s claim that he’s got a surprise on the way to mean he must have accidentally impregnated Saran instead of coming up with a good frozen meal. That sneaky little Trojan Surprise.
Time to get the food all packed up, and Dung and Joey hit a snag. When Dung was doing the science on the Bertolli, he noticed that all the ingredients were frozen separately. Joey doesn’t care, and insists on slopping it all together. Dung tries to talk him out of it, but he doesn’t get bitchy or roll his head or kill a crawfish. He just let’s it happen. Dumb move, Dung.
Tre whispers a lot and I have to rewind three times to understand him. He thinks that since he and CJ are packing their ingredients separately for freezing, they’re ahead of the game. Hey, that was Dung’s science, too! Tre tells CJ that their chicken is juicy and delicious. “It’s true what they say about black people!” Uh-oh. “They know how to cook chicken!” Thank God. I thought he was gonna start singing awesomely. I really don’t want to like Tre, and a good rendition of “Midnight Train to Georgia” might have planted me firmly on his side.
Back at the ranch, Dung is freaking out that Joey packed everything together. Troll Patch tells him he should have been firmer, which leads Dung to stalk off all teary eyed. Nice work, Troll Patch! Howie is still blathering on endlessly about how much he hates Sara M to anyone who will listen. He wouldn’t hire her in his kitchen. With that attitude? Plus, she works way to quickly and efficiently and doesn’t sweat in her food at all. What a hack. I have to point out that Sara M has been very patient and nice during this whole thing. She should win for having to put up with this Cave Man, but that would mean that he wins too, so I’m not crossing my fingers. Sorry, Sara!

Hungry now?

The next morning, the Chefs are standing around the Not Kenmore Kitchen with nothing to do. Why would the Judges give them a whole hour to pack up? They look over at Tre and CJ taking their individual packs of frozen ingredients out and repackaging them together, and it dawns on them that they might have all boned it. Dung looks like he’s gonna cry. Favorite. Episode. Ever.
They get to the fresh market and start cooking up their meals. Howie is of course a jerk and pushes Sara M out of the way to cook. She just watches passively as he preheats a pan and starts sweating all over it. CJ and Tre are making fun of them for trying to cook their frozen pasta in a “rippin hot pan”, and I make fun of them too, just because Howie looks hilarious trying to prove to Sara M that he can throw things up in a pan better than she can. Something tells me women haven’t treated little Howie too well in the past.

Little Caesar’s Complex

Rocco comes around to taste and starts with Baldhawk and Bunny Foo’s pesto and meatballs. He asks them if they tasted it, and then tells them to rate it. Nine-ish? He says it’s “good to have confidence in your product”. Even if it sucks. How do you think he got where he is? I’ll give you a hint: tight ass and camera face. How he’s gonna stay there is another episode.
Gail tastes Troll Patch and Saran’s chicken rigatoni and kalamata olives and seems to like it ok. Since Scar told us that Gail’s a big slut face last week, I keep trying to catch her giving someone “Come F Me Eyes”, but I don’t. Ah well, she was sent over to Troll Patch. What did I expect?

Please Don’t F Me Eyes

Scar tastes Howie and Sara M’s shrimp, fennel and sun dried tomato pasta, and she immediately calls them out on freezing everything together. As usual, Scar’s pretty subtle. Hard to tell what she thinks.

There’s not enough weed in the world to make this ok.

Tom tastes Dung and Joey’s mush and asks Hung why he didn’t pack everything separately after giving him the Miss Tranny South Korea speech about it yesterday. Dung points to Joey, who’s mortified. What’d you thing Hung would say?? Besides, it is your fault. I’m really pissed off at the big Wheezie. He’s forced me to side with Dung. I won’t forget this!
Rocco tries CJ and Tre’s truffle and grilled chicken linguini. and he seems impressed that they copied his corporation’s style of freezing ingredients separately. When it comes time to sell the product, though, Tre and CJ are hearing crickets. Joey explains: The customers aren’t interested in anything fancy schmancy like truffle butter. They want something out of the box. He adds that two birds in the hand are better than five dead birds and you shouldn’t throw rocks at house made of glass or count your chickens before you eat them.
Baldhawk and Foo Foo sell out first, and it’s not lookin’ too good for the rest of the Chefs. Howie is eating all of his product to try and hide the evidence, and Joey and Dung are standing around trying not to cry.

Sold out!

At the Judge’s Table, Rocco points out that two teams obviously hated each other, and it showed in their work. Everyone agrees with Gail’s assertion that Hung and Joey’s mush was overcooked “to the point of disintegration”. At least it wasn’t BURNT and CHARRED!! Howie and Sara M’s was also pretty nasty. Gail did like Baldhawk and Foo Foo’s meatballs, but Rocco’s meat was still frozen. No stud wants blue balls. Daddy Tom was pretty disappointed by the canned artichokes, but all in all they did pretty well.
Rocco really liked Tre and CJ’s truffle linguini, but Tom says that it wasn’t Mediterranean enough. Rocco disagrees! He’s been all over the world hunting for truffles (and ass), and Tom says that the Mediterranean is not where to hunt (for either). Which celebrity chef is more full of shit? I’m going with Rocco, cuz I watched him laze and waaaah through a whole season of that crappy reality show and actually rooted for Jeffrey Chodorow, which wasn’t easy. Down with DiSpirito! Pack your knives and go, biatch!
Troll Patch and Saran also did a pretty good job. Their flavors were good, but no one seems very excited. Scar leaves to call in the Chefs, and I finally catch Gail cruising Rocco, leaving Daddy Tom looking a little uncomfortable.

Why Gail Simmons, you little minx!

Baldhawk and Foo Foo are called in alongside Saran and Troll Patch. CJ says the challenge was easy squeeze and they used truffles to bring a little Italian flavoring in with the Mediterranean. Rocco looks like he’s been busted, but Daddy Tom’s not one to rub it in his face. He’ll get his vengeance on the swing. Tre just says IQF a lot with a whispering PASSION.
Rocco says that Baldhawk and Foo Foo really seemed to have a blast together, and they look at each other like they’re the new Laverne and Shirley.

Shlameel! Shlamazzel! Bunny Hawk incorporated!

Rocco calls them out on their frozen meatball but thought their pesto was the most well balanced he’d ever tasted. I’m a little miffed that Tom doesn’t rag on their non Mediterranean cooking on a Mediterranean Challenge. Some people are sent home for not following the rules. BIRDSONG. Today it’s not even brought up. Lame.
Daddy Tom says since the trip to Italy is such a big prize, he wants to hear them pitch why they want it. Tre whispers that he wants to be educational and open an Italian restaurant to educate people with his educational educationry. Snore. CJ says he’s been to Italy before (bad answer) and wants to go again to synergize education with…ugh. Never mind. These two are on my last nerve.
Foo Foo wants a free trip (LOL, Bunny!) and Baldhawk wants to breath deep there and smell things. Plus, people won’t make fun of him for wearing highwaters there. And if they do, he won’t understand what they’re saying. He’ll just smell them. MMMMMMMM….Sorry. CJ and Tre win!! Smell ya lata, sucka.

No fair! DiSpirito’s not even on this list!

Dung, Joey, Howie and Sara M are called in as the bottom teams, and I am worried for Sara M. She’s by far the least annoying of these four, which means she’s probably out. Dung blames Joey for ignoring his freezing science, and the Judges immediately snipe at him for blaming someone else when he didn’t stand up for the IQF method. He says he isn’t blaming Joey and every single Judge calls bullshit. Joey says that he was rushing so madly to get the Challenge finished before they got disqualified that he didn’t hear Hung. LIE!! But Dung so deserves it. Joey says that the only way he knows how to communicate is when people slam things around a kitchen and yell at him. “If he woulda done dat, if he woulda done dat, I woulda heard im!”
Next question is who chose fusilli? They blame each other. Both of these guys are egotistical lie-y pants, and it’s awesome to see them on the verge of tears. None of the Judges knows how to respond to this insanity, so they move on to Howie and Sara M. Sara M admits they should have frozen everything separately, and Tom says it looks like she took a back seat. I hope this was weird editing, because Sara M is suddenly shouting, saying that she told Howie a million times what he was doing wrong and he ignored her, and just because he never dated in highschool or college or adulthood doesn’t mean she should have to suffer. She has boobies. Get over it!
This sets Flinstone off. He rails against Sara, blames her for choosing fusilli, and says that she is the last person in the world he’d wanna get stuck on a team with. And there’s no reason she shouldn’t like him! He’s a THINKER! Why can’t one woman look past four chins and a hairy back to find the philosopher inside? Waaaahhh. He shouts for a solid minute and sweats on everyone. When he’s done, Sara M says that kind of bulldog behavior is what she was forced to deal with the whole time. Down with Howie! The Judges excuse them, and Dung bows subserviently. Get me a bat. BTW, is anyone else feeling sorry for fusilli?
During alone time, the Judges can’t decide which team was worse. Rocco says they were both “depressingly bad” and calls Dung and Joey’s dish “benign”. Ouch. I hope Joey’s neck cancer is, too. Gail thinks that they both sucked, but JoeDung was uninteresting, bland and mushy. Scar points out that those two were the only team not to sell any of their free product, and the only reason they didn’t have any left was because Howie ate it all.
Back in the holding room, Howie screams, sweats and generally freaks out. The other Chefs are on Sara M’s side. Shut your fat face, Howie. In the end, Daddy Tom says they all boned it, but Scar sends Joey home. WOW. I can’t believe it! Joey starts crying, which really kills me. Sorry for making so much fun of you, Joey. Kinda. Oh, God. He’s really sobbing now. Awww! He tells us that his whole life people told him he couldn’t do it, and he didn’t want to prove them right. Oh, man. This is horrible. Now he’s crying harder than ever. Think of the positive side! You won a free trip back to Little Italy!

Aw, kid. Don’t cry over milk you haven’t drunk yet.