Top Chef: Bundas on the Line

This week, Top Chef taught us that the best chef in the world isn’t the Kentucky Fried Chicken man, Men’s Warehouse suits don’t breathe easily, and there are no winners in WAR.

Stud alert!

Bunny Foo Foo stands alone on the balcony of the Fountainbleau looking at the ocean and trying to recover from the misogynistic disrespect she was shown in the last challenge. She had to cook in high heels with her cleavage almost kinda showing! Like some kind of cheap whore! As she tries to get through the post traumatic stress, the boy chefs convene in the kitchen and ignore Howie because he was such a dick to Saran. He pretends he doesn’t notice.

Holy connoli! My tits are getting huge!

He tells us that he doesn’t give a rats ass if no one likes him. He’s willing to go home if he was the one who screwed up…Like the time you didn’t finish plating before the buzzer? Or the time you lumped everything together before freezing? Or the time you….damn. We’ll be here all day. Point is, you’ve boned it on almost every single challenge, and you were not once willing to go home. Just saying. He says he’s worked really fucking hard and really fucking slowly to get to this fucking point in his life and fuck fuck asshole fuck. Classy.
Sara M is depressed about Saran, or as she calls her, her little “bunda”, getting the axe. According to Wikipedia, a bunda is a butt. Sara M misses her little butt. Hmmm. Me thinks there was a hidden showmance here. The editors are concentrating on the wrong things this season. Like the cooking. Anyhoo, Sara is depressed, so she deals with it like every other heart broken girl in the world. She eats a bag of Doritos.

No reason to take it out on your big bunda.

Time for the Quickfire Challege! Todays Guest Judge is Daniel Boulud, who is most famous for his Manhattan restaurant, Daniel. He’s also famous because he was slapped with a discrimination suit for not ever promoting anyone but white French men in his restaurant. There was a rally staged outside Daniel in NYC with minority workers holding up signs with cockroaches on them while singing “We Shall Overcome”. There’s no better way to repair a damaged reputation than by shilling your book on national TV. God bless America! Well except the part that’s filled with Bangladeshis and Latin Americans. I am a horrible person who believes people never change, so I’m betting here and now he chooses three white men as his favorites in this challenge.
Alleged racism aside, the contestants wet themselves like Chef Boyardee himself was standing before them. Boulud’s the best chef EVER!!! Hung is the only one who keeps his calm. He bows subserviently and asks if Daniel and Scar would like a table or if they’d like to sit at the sushi bar. Arigato!
I am excited to find out what today’s product placement challenge will be. So far this season we’ve been given dog and pony shows for Coldstone Creamery, Rocco’s Frozen Dinners, Bombay Gin, the Elk’s Lodge, and of course, Not Kenmore. Lee Anne has to be running out of businesses to build challenges around by now. I’ve been wondering when the McDonald’s Happy Meal Challenge would rear it’s ugly head, and it looks like we’re in luck! Well, McDonald’s doesn’t need the press, so instead we get what looks like the Canadian version of Fuddruckers, Red Robin Burgers! Dammit! I wanted to see what kind of toy Howie would have come up with.

Kids get a free packet of Cave Man Back Wax with every meal! It’s never too early to start!

Howie’s psyched for this challenge because Boulud was the first Chef to make a hundred twenty dollar burger. Damn you, France, and your market inflation! What are you gonna attack next, the HoHo? Hands off my binge food, ya stinkin Nellies! Scar tells them that every Happy Meal counts today, because no one will be getting immunity. Yaaaay! That means the people with the obvious edge here (Howie) will still have a chance of getting the boot. I am gonna celebrate with a Happy Meal of my own. Or five. Hell, I won’t stop til I have every Legion of Heroes Action Figure there is! BRB.
OK, I’m back. And just to let you know, the lady at the drivethru window asked me if I wanted to sub my fries for apples. No, not apple pie. Apples. I threw one of my Cokes back through the window at her and sped off. What the hell is this world coming to?
Back to the show. Turns out they are making gourmet burgers, which from the looks of it means nasty nasty nasty shit. Dung, never one to miss an opportunity to abuse a sea creature, pounds shrimp into a sick looking goo while Troll Patch (of course) repeats his fish sausage that won him the BBQ Challenge. Sara M is going with crab, and CJ’s blending up scallops. Bunny Foo Foo has the same reaction to her fellow chefs as I do. Who the hell wants to eat a gooey mashed fish burger? That kitchen must smell like a birthing room right now.
Baldhawk is also gonna go against the grain with a breakfast burger, and Tre is putting together a surf and turf burger. Guest Judge Boulud tastes Dung’s shrimp burger with tempura flakes first, and when he calls it juicy, Hung giggles like a pre-op finally getting the go ahead to make the change. Ugh. Shut up, Dung.

Memories of a Gaysha

Boulud wasn’t as into Troll Patch’s scallop, shrimp and sea bass burger because it had too much bread, but Sara M evened out his palate by using no bread at all. Lettuce is not a bun, woman! I don’t care how depressed you are! Her little buns are gone, and she’s paying Saran some respect. Awwwww, little bunda! Come back!
He loved CJ’s salmon mousse and shrimp burger, but when he got to Foo Foo’s white trashy ground chuck patty melt, he was like WTF? Bet you wish you were cooking in high heels and a wonderbra now. Tre is smiling like he’s got this thing in the bag with his surf and turf burger, but it’s really just a steak and shrimp sandwich, so I am psyched at the prospect of seeing the smile wiped off his face. GOTTAHAVEGROUNDPROTEIN.
I almost lost my Maccy D’s when Baldhawk presented a tuna burger topped with an egg (???), but Boulud seemed to like it. It’s official. French people will eat anything. Howie has decided that he will try to flatter the best chef EVER by making a truffle burger just like Boulud did at Daniel. Ah, stroking the ego. Please don’t let him get away with this. The best possible outcome will be a slap in the face and a shouted “ARROGANT AMERICAN PIG!” I am hopeful when Boulud gives Howie this look as he chews…

Are you warm?

…but no dice. He loves it! To seal the deal, Howie spews racial slurs at Hung. I smell a promotion! The bottom two are Tre, because he just made a plain ole sandwich, and Sara M, because she was bundaless.
His top three are Howie, Baldhawk, and CJ, who made a “firework of flavor”. Yay white men! Oh wait, to prove he’s no racist, he gives Dung the fourth place pity prize. Yay white men and Asian trannies! CJ wins! Scar tells him that he may not be getting immunity, but he’ll be getting a really useful advantage. Height! Congrats!
The Elimination Challenge will be the infamous Restaurant Wars Challenge. Oh, man. This is awesome. I love when they compete to see who sucks less! CJ gets to pick his team first because he won the Quickfire, and he chooses Foo Foo, Troll Patch, and Tre. This leaves Howie, Sara M, Hung and Baldhawk together. HAHA! This could very well turn out to be my favorite episode ever. Hung tells us that he’s worried, because he doesn’t think that Howie and Sara M can be good team players. When did this fool grow up? Not buyin’ it.
This year, the chefs are given two identical Top Design like spaces right next to each other, and they also have to choose positions this time. Head chef, front of house, DESIGN (this was a really bad dub. Could Scar not master the word?), and sous chef. Troll Patch holds a pen and paper, but doesn’t write anything down. Goody two shoes. And camera men, could you please at least make an effort to get CJ in the shots?

No respect.

They will get seven hundred bucks for food and a whopping twenty five hundred for tableware and decor. It seems a little unfair that one person from each team could go home for having a hideous sense of style, and I am worried for Baldhawk. Sure enough, he volunteers for front of house with Hung. Sara and Howie will be working in the kitchen, and when BH asks who wants to be head chef, Sara snaps it up. Howie says he’s ok with it. The only way they are gonna get ahead is to get along. Riiight. You can do this, Cave Man. Don’t sweat it, kid. No really. Stop.
The next morning, the chefs are abuzz with nervous energy. Troll Patch is gonna wear a suit! In the Miami heat! He sneaks it under his uniform so the other team can’t see how seriously he’s taking this. OY. He says he’s gonna bring out the big guns and surprise everyone! You know what would be really surprising? If you served lots and lots of fish.
Everyone knows Dung’s team is screwed, including them, so they do their best to listen to each other. By talking over each other a lot. Whatever works. CJ’s team is naming their restaurant April, after his sister (AWWW!), and ole One Nut describes it as “new American cuisine with a contemporary vibe”. New and contemporary in one sentence! You go, pioneer!
Team Dung’s restaurant will be called The Garage, and they are going for a “contemporary American bistro”. Wow. Contemporary is the new Modern. The chefs scurry around the fresh market and call each other on cell phones that the camera men are sure to get as many closeups of as possible. Hey, you think Red Robin’s gonna spring for two restaurant remodels?

Talk to Hung as long as you’d like for free! T MOBILE MYFAVES!! (sound of me stomping on my Sidekick)

Team Garage will be preparing tuna tartare, mushroom risotto, and braised lamb shank which I guess is contemporary, but Team April will be making crusted beef tenderloin, grouper, shellfish with artichoke hearts and corn and truffle custard with sea scallops, which is new and contemporary. See the difference?
Sara M and Howie are being very nice to each other, which is kinda freaking me out. Howie is too busy concentrating on his risotto to be a jerk. He has been making risotto for a decade, and he makes it different than every other chef makes it. Uh-oh. Tre is concentrating hard too, and it’s pretty cool to see some life in the guy. He actually RUNS through the kitchen and his facial expressions change a couple of times.

Who are you?

Daddy Tom comes around to check on progress. He warns Howie that it’s easy to screw up risotto, but he has the most confidence in Garage because the members of that team have the most restaurant experience. There’s a reason they’re more bitter and worn down. He thinks that April should be carving their tenderloin tableside instead of cooking each piece separately, but there is no clear front runner. The real shit’s gonna go down when they have to present. As time nears, Dung starts freaking out and slamming dishes away and running like a madman. Sara tells him to calm down, and he slams some more stuff. There’s the boygirl we all know and love!
The Judges visit April first, which of course freaks the team out. Troll Patch, in his shocking suit and a face full of Howie sweat, welcomes them and then almost drops a deuce when three two tops walk in at the same time. Dude. The busses have arrived. Brace yourself. He starts them off by presenting the amuse douche, which is an oyster with ginger and watermelon grantia. Daddy Tom and Boulud agree that the oyster has no flavor, and to make it worse, Scar’s bread plate is dusty. Oh, man, if I ever had to wait on Scar I would quit. She is notorious for being a pain in the ass.
The first course is the seared scallop over corn and black truffle custard, which would be awesome if custard was supposed to look like scrambled eggs.

Add a side of bacon for a dollar more!

Tom and Boulud aren’t buyin’ it. Next up is the seared grouper and shellfish with basil pistou and artichoke hearts. It looks pretty, but the Judges can’t eat it because they don’t have silverware. Ouch. This is already getting painful to watch. Troll Patch comes into the kitchen dripping sweat and nervously cleaning his ear with his finger. EW! I dare you to serve Scar with that hand. He’s freaking out, so Tre sends Bunny Foo Foo out to swing her pony tail back and forth and serve the third course.
She presents the gorgonzola crusted tenderloin with the pizazz of a Junior Leaguer selling jam at a Christmas Fair, and Ted Allen just looks happy he doesn’t have to stare at Troll Patch’s Men’s Warehouse suit again. The Judges seem to buy it, until they taste Tre’s burnt potatoes. Cut to a “real person” dissing the potatoes. Oh, man. Everyone’s going home.
The mango lemongrass and sake sorbet and the apple tart tartin go over well, but me thinks it’s a little late. Over at The Garage, Baldhawk is kissing ass out front and being a total bitch in the back. He tells the waiters they’re too slow and snaps his fingers while he derides them. Oh no he didn’t! Waiters REVOLT!
Troll Patch warned Bunny Foo Foo that scented candles would annoy the guests, but unfortunately Baldhawk didn’t overhear that conversation. A bitchy “real person” queen takes his off the table and covers it with a napkin on the floor and Ted Allen immediately starts griping about that awful smell. Daddy Tom asks for the candle on the table to be removed. Why is the Restaurant War always a disaster? First up is Hung’s tuna tartare, and it looks like a boyle.

The Neosporin Challenge

The Judges love it! Fifteen minutes later, Scar is eating her arm. This woman needs to stop smoking before judging every single challenge. She barely let Boulud have a bite of any of the burgers. Daddy Tom’s getting impatient. What the hell’s taking so long? You guessed it, Howie!! He said he cooks risotto different than any other chef, and he wasn’t kidding. He’s stewing it in huge pots like he’s making mashed potatoes, and even I know that’s wrong. Dung tells us that Howie’s a big fat sweaty idiot. Agreed.
None of the Judges are impressed by the mushroom risotto, but no one points out that it is a mushy mess. Seriously, ew. Take a look at the “risotto” and then below it look at the mashed potatoes under the tenderloin.

My Happy Meals are sounding pretty good right now. Admit it.

The lamb shank isn’t too popular either. Too overly rich dishes in a row. Woops. Baldhawk makes the mistake of asking the stupid bitchy queen “real person” his opinion, and he says the lamb tastes like metal and “if that’s a vegetable medley, I’m a monkey.”

Ick. Monkeys are cute. Get this real person uggo off my tv.

Have I mentioned that I HATE “real people”? The Judges liked that Baldhawk was doing tableside service, but the crepe was yet another dish that was way too rich. Man. How are they gonna pick a looza? Team April chills with a bottle of wine when all is said and done. That’s the right idea, team! Get a buzz on before Judge’s Table! The Garage is not as relaxed, mostly due to Baldhawk queening out about getting fucked over by the waitstaff. Yeah, that was your problem. The food was served, dude. It just sucked. He is afraid he will get sent home for not cooking one single thing, but in this case, I think that might just save his ass.
The Judges have their work cut out for them tonight. Scar starts by telling us that there was an “undercover blogger” in the crowd of diners. My guess is Snotty Uggo Monkey Man, because bloggers are horrible, horrible people. I’m wrong (about the primate). It was his quiet, pretty friend, which makes me hate Uggo even more. This jerk was totally brought along for a free meal and was the nastiest brat of the entire night. I’ll bet he asked for a doggie bag. Cheap bastard. The blog was written by Andrea Strong. Check it out, it’s a pretty interesting read.

Chile’s.

The Judges all agree that April wins hands down in the decor department. What chef in his right mind puts scented candles in a restaurant? Then the editors cut to Baldhawk. LOL, editors. Love ya. Hung’s tartare beat Howie’s overcooked, heavy risotto. Ted Allen said after taking two bites of the mush and getting banged by a waiter, he could barely walk. TMI, Queer Eye.
They rag on Tre’s burnt potatoes for a bit before moving on to service. Troll Patch was a nervous wreck in a cheap suit, and Baldhawk wears highwaters. Case closed. Back in the holding room, BH is nervously repeating that he served his ass off over and over again. He’s still red in the face and stroking the hand he cut off one of the slow ass waiters isn’t soothing him. Scar calls in Team April, but she starts by telling them that they didn’t win. Suckas!
Scar focuses her eyes as much as possible and reads from the Strong review. “April’s decor was lovely…” Troll Patch tells her to stop right there and it’s a great review! Hardy har. She continues”… but the host had a sweating problem. Get thee some Right Guard.” LOL, mystery blogger! CJ guffaws. Troll Patch is not amused, but takes full responsibility for the front of the house. Strong went on to write that the oyster was topped with a watermelon slurpee, and CJ agrees and takes the fall. He also agrees that Troll Patch has a sweating problem. HAHAHAAAA. Troll Patch: way not amused.
Tre’s smoked potatoes were “overly aggressive”, which I think means BURNT and CHARRED. Where’s Gail Simmons when you need her? Daddy Tom tries to get them to turn on each other by asking if Troll Patch should go home, but they all defend him and refuse to act like children. Nice work, Team April! CJ finishes by saying the only perfect restaurant is Boulud’s. Ok, that’s enough, asslick. Leave now.

I’ll be here all week!

Team Garage is brought to the guillotine, and Sara M proudly cops to volunteering herself for Head Chef. Daddy Tom snarks “that was brave.” Ha. Who chose those stank ass vanilla candles? Baldhawk admits it, but says that there were hardly any candles in the store that weren’t scented and besides, he has a week sense of smell. God this guy is such a wuss. Ted Allen points out that the other team shopped at the same store, and Baldhawk stays silent and raises his eyebrows like he’s about to beat a waiter to death.
Mystery Blogger wrote that the black table cloths were “very Billy Idol. And I don’t want to eat off Billy Idol”. OMG I am so bookmarking this woman. Baldhawk doesn’t answer. He just gives a snotty look. Daddy Tom claps his hands and tells him that designs an important part of a restaurant, ya bitchy priss. They give Hung props for his tartare, which of course makes him giggle and bow, but then they say it wasn’t perfect and he immediately looks like he wants to cry. Love it.
Howie’s risotto was mushy and gummy, “like mac and cheese with rice”. The Cave Man stays true to form and shouts that he’s made risotto for plenty of chefs! He lists cream as one of his ingredients, and Tom says that you’re not even supposed to use cream. Howie shouts and sweats and says he didn’t taste anything gummy or crappy. Sorry, you suck. Thanks for yelling, though.
Queer Eye asks why they would make so much heavy food on a hot night, and Baldhawk raises those brows.

Don’t blame me. I didn’t cook anything.

Sara said she was worried about the heaviness. Really? Then why did you make a braised lamb shank? Howie says that he doesn’t give a crap what season it is. If he sees something heavy on the menu, he’s gonna eat it, cuz that’s what turns him on. Gross, ew, and LOL. Queer Eye thinks that they were only thinking about their own dishes and not the overall flow of the meal, and Sara snaps “I disagree with you.” This is her response to everything, and it’s starting to grate on my nerves. You not agreeing doesn’t make it less true, a hole. Hung keeps his mouth shut and bows a lot. Who’s been coaching her? I’m impressed.
The Judges are left alone, and they have some trouble picking the suckiest playa. Baldhawk is tacky and made excuses, Howies gummy risotto bit it, and Tre’s burnt potatoes were the worst of all. Then you have Troll Patch, who’s just….gross. Tom says that he thinks the final eight chefs are waaaay more talented than this. Scar looks at him as asks “reeeealy?” Hilarious.
Baldhawk and Troll Patch are both brought back to the table. They both boned it and…NO ONE’S GOING HOME!! PSYCH! Wow. They pulled this old trick out of the bag again, huh? The restaurants will be open again tomorrow night, and they will get another chance. ARGH. That better not mean we have to put up with this caca for another hour! Come on, Lee Anne! This is bullshit!
Ah well, as Tre puts it, “this is deflating, but you live to fight another day.” Uh, thanks, Grasshopper. Since all the chefs lose, they are forced to take home Boulud’s book: “Letters to a Young Chef: Don’t be a Minority”. Better luck next time.

This disaster has been brought to you by Red Robin Burgers.