Big Brother: The Tricky Science to Prayer

Previously on Big Brother, the house became spookily quiet when Jenius went missing, Eric didn’t get any play, and even Drew Carey thought Amber was a jack ass.

What percentage of Americans think Amber’s a fucking moron?

Before we get started, I think it’s important to address The Power of Ten. For those of you who didn’t bother, wow. Amber really made a fool out of herself. At one point she started that face squeeze thing she does when she’s getting ready to bring her sob on and Drew goes “Uh, Amber? You ok?” NO. She beats Dicklet in the solo round 3 to 0 and gets all the way to the one hundred thousand dollar question: “What percentage of Americans think it should be illegal to own a pit bull?”
Drew makes a Michael Vick joke and amber boos it. “I like Michael Vick!” He cracks “ya won’t when you get out of that house.” LOL, Carey. That’s why you make the big bucks. Amber lets her cheeks fall to the floor and says that “it’s all how you raise them!” Her special guest, Amber’s way better off in the gene pool (and apparently dirty greedy Jew hating) sister, tells Drew that their family always had multiple pit bulls growing up and they were great dogs. All they did was mangle Amber’s face, and it made her stronger. Look at her now! She could be a model!

Ah, the model. Always under such scrootnie.

CheriesTake said it best in the comments section of the last recap: “Hey dumbass, if your little girl wasn’t getting her ass kicked everyday at school before, she will be now.” Nuff said. Drew goaded her on with comments like “Would you like it if someone told you what kind of dog you could have? No.” The cuteish sister is no help, and Amber guesses 18 percent, missing the true answer: over half the country thinks the dogs should be illegal. Ah, well, she won a thousand bucks. That buys a lotta meth. So sorry. God had a plan tonight, and it was to make me giggle like a little girl. Amen.
On with the show!! Zach is pretty pissed about Jess nominating him, and he vows that if he ever gets the chance to get her back, he will. Will we finally see Zach’s brilliant, cunning tactition shine through? I hope so, because if I had to guess, I’d say what’s going on in his head most of the time looks something like this:

Amber isn’t worried! She knows that it looks like God isn’t paying too much attention to her whining prayers, but she doesn’t care. She believes in him, therefore she’s a shoo-in to be here next week. Worrying only shows God you don’t believe in Him, which makes Him mad. Ahhh, ok. So that’s why you haven’t been getting your way! You weren’t doing it right! I hope you finally learned the trick to prayer, Amber. You need a miracle, girl.
Dick is all calm confidence today. You can tell cuz his Old Cracked Out Backstreet Boy pose is relaxed, and he’s added a red bandana to his repertoire. Better not let Dicklet see that. She’s a known Crip.

There’s gonna be a Donato family street fight soon. My bets on Dicklet.

Daniele is happy that Jessica didn’t nominate her or her dad this week, but she still can’t trust her. After all, Dicklet people is are untrustworthy and her their word means nothing. Two scenes later and Amber’s crying. Uh-oh, God doesn’t like that, remember? She breaks down in the diary room and sobs while she itches her calve. She begs God to help her keep it together and apologizes for crying. “But you have to understand where I’m coming from!” I’m sure God’s really trying hard to empathize with your plight. Wait! I think I just heard Him say something!

“Shave your legs, skank.”

Dicklet approaches Zach while he’s taking a shower and tells him not to worry. He fills up his mouth with water and I boo when he doesn’t spit it in her face. Jameka goes into the HOH suite to hug Jessica and thank her for sparing her butt this week. She’s not happy that her friend in Christ was put up, but at the same time, yay God! Jameka prayed harder than Amber this week, and it’s showing.
She finds Amber in bed trying to form the pictures of a Little Golden Book into some kind of sensical story line. Shockingly, she isn’t crying. Pretending to be able to read is taking all of her focus. Jameka tells her not to worry and God God God God, and Amber’s like “God!” and Jameka’s all “The Lord!” Amber has convinced herself that Jessica didn’t put her up to go home. No one wants Amber to leave, they just keep using her as a pawn to backdoor other players. She is convinced that God has pre-ordained her to be in the house next week. Jameka pats her hand like “ok then, Crazy” and lets her get back to her story.

Man, that turtle better hurry up! It’s gonna lose!

Sweet guitars start playing. Time fore Eric to not have sex now! Jessica and Eric’s eyebrows are laying next to each other on the patio. He asks her if she ever thought she’d fall in love with a geeky, scrawny Jewish kid that’s ruled by his abnormally strong facial muscles. She admits that she is smitten and thinks that he will be her husband of eighty years. He leans in like he’s gonna kiss her, but then lays his head down on her chest instead. She tells us that she definitely hears wedding bells. This scene was made all the more disturbing by the fact that I can never tell if Jess is joking or not. Please, for your future children’s sake, be playing him. Those two noses coming together to create a human being is just cruel. Maybe you could get a one eyed hunchback to donate some sperm while you’re at it.
The sounds of Holy Chanting fill my living room. YAY! That’s Jameka’s cue to lose her shit! She is sobbing really hard and when we’re shown the first glimpse of her from behind, I mistake her for Amber (do you both need to be wearing green and white striped shirts? What is this, Esprit Jail?) but then the beat poetry starts and I know that we were getting the true prayer master. Sorry, Amber, but this bitch knows how to talk to God. She sobs out haiku about feeling Jesus, having babies under bridges and loving Restoration. Sorry, but that movie sucked. Even God would give that one four rotten tomatoes. Jameka’s lost it. Again. Someone should change the filter in the Brita, just to be safe. The irrational behavior is at an all time high tonight.
Jessica comes into her room and asks Jameka if she’s ok. HAHAHAAAA. Jameka sobs “Just prayin’”, but Jessica pretends not to understand her and continues to ask what’s wrong. Cry in your own room, a hole. You’re getting snot on the HOH duvet.
She gives Jameka a hug and tells us that at first she thought her friend had fallen down or something. LOL. I couldn’t love this girl any more than I do right now. And then I read her t-shirt.

Please, God, let Jessica win it all. I feel you, Lord. I taste you.

Jameka washes her face while Jessica tries to calm her down by telling her that when she’s back home, she’s “like really into church, too.” Bwahahaaa. She doesn’t go to church here, cuz Amber and Jameka are both like really scary and they’re church is more bipolar ranting than an actual service, but when she was a kid she went to Catholic School and had to attend to church for “like short amount of times” every morning. Jameka narrows her eyes and asks if she had communion every day. Jess assures her that she did and Jameka asks why they took communion every day. Jameka so doesn’t approve of Catholicism. Jess assures her that Catholics take as much communion as possible because “the more the better!” Jameka looks like she wants to punch her face, but instead she tells us that she was really touched to find a friend who’d exaggerate her religious leanings just to make ‘Meka feel like less of a manic depressive wack job.
Just as Jess finishes cleaning up Jameka’s prayer snot, Zach comes in for a word. He isn’t happy about being put up, but he knows it would have been hard to put either of the Dicklets up because they would have made everyone’s life Hell. She tells him he hit the nail “right on the spot”. Zach reminds her that if those two are still in the house next week, they’re going to be able to take down anyone they want. Jess scares easily, and now is no exeption. You can just see the telenovela inner monologue switch on in her head.

¡Él tiene razón! ¡Nunca debo haber escuchado esas serpientes! ¡Pagarán!

Jess brings the HG’s round the old flat screen to show them the Power of Ten Infomercial starring Mirriam Webster and Dicklet. Dani starts crying when the clip of Nick comes on the screen. Somewhere in Huntington Beach, Homely Boyfriend is crying, too.
Drew Carey jokes about the ways the world’s changed in the time they’ve been locked away in the Big Brother House. Rove’s President, cars fly, and he’s the next host of the Price is Right. The audience cheers. Amber asks the other HG’s if they think the part about hosting the Price is Right is true, and everyone goes “nah!” Hilarious. Even these morons can clearly see that’s a dumb idea.
Dick is of course shocked that Amber beat Daniele so easily on the game show and points out that Amber’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Wow. He’s showing a lot of restraint tonight. When Amber bones it, he laughs. She says that she had to go for it, cuz it was the chance of a lifetime! He smirks and tells her “nice try” and she shouldn’t feel bad AT ALL. At first she smiles, but then realizes he was being sarcastic.

Ding! Your toast is ready!

Eric tries to change the subject and tells them how pretty they looked on national TV, but the awkwardness stays. Smooth as ever, Eric. Dicklet starts crying. It was so haaaaard knowing Niiiick was there and she couldn’t seeeeee hiiiiim!! She hates this house! Waaaahhhh!!! What was it your brother just told Jenius about people resenting the players who don’t give a shit about playing?
And now, ladies and gentlemen! Eric gets some! Please don’t make me say anything more than that.

Woah! Slow down, Kinky Friedman!

Jess reaches for the ball sack and pulls out Dicklet. Oh yeah, we’re in the Veto Competition now. Daniele goes up to stand next to Jess, Amber and Zach. Zach picks HG’s choice, and he chooses Eric, which is a pretty wise move. If anyone’s gonna help him, it’s the brows. Amber chooses Jameka. God is trying to tell you something!
Zach takes the time til the competition to get Eric alone in the workout room. The Dicklets have to go or everyone’s screwed. BTW, what happened with Jess?

Discreet.

He sees the threat and tells Zach that if they can get them out, he’s open to all sorts of scenarios. Saying that to a guy in a workout room while you’ve got a large phallic symbol puffing out your cheek is just awesome. Love this show.
Dick is clearly thrilled to be the host of the competition, and his unadulterated joy makes me uncomfortable. A genuine, happy smile just doesn’t look right on him. Come on, call someone a stupid bitch and threaten to rape their cornholes, I’m getting the creepy crawlies here.
The backyard has been turned into a nasty swamp with spider webs, dead fish, and Dick. Hideous. There is a super cheapo cut out of the Cheshire Cat spouting off the answers to riddles in a decent Barry White imitation and the goal is to search the nasty swamp for rubber rats with the corresponding riddles attached. Every time I describe the game of a Veto Competition, I have to stop and stare at the computer for a moment to make sure I typed what I just typed. Dead fish Barry White rubber rat. Check. Moving on.
The first answer is Dustin. The players scurry to find the rat that says “STDs, bruised up knees, handlebars and dirty tees.” Jess is the last one to find her rat, and it turns out she didn’t understand the riddle. Aw. You’re out. The next answer is “slop”. Jameka finds her rat before Amber, but lets her friend win so she can be responsible for saving her own ass.

You comin’?

The third answer is “Nick”. Daniele is the last player to find the rat that says “Pomade Helmet Mowhawk, Dicklet led him by the cock”. Fitting. Jen is the next answer, and Zach and Eric race each other to the finish line. Eric gets there first but falls off. Zack steps right up on the stump. Eric tries to get back on, but Zach stays firm.

You can’t just do what you did to that banana without expecting to get slammed.

Doesn’t matter. Eric touched base and he’s safe. Amber is nervous now. She’s convinced that she’s gonna win and her vision that didn’t pan out last week will materialize today. Nope! Eric finds his “veto” rat first. He reads “For this the Amber swallows pride, always bridesmaid never bride.” He wins, and Dicklet isn’t very happy when he hugs Zach. WTF?
Later, on the patio, she mopes until her brother asks what’s wrong. Duh, Eric and Zach have a deal! Dick says no way, Eric wouldn’t take away Jessica’s security. Unless they had it planned all along. As usual, he believes exactly what he hears and comes to the conclusion that they have to get Jess out. Oh, man. Please let these two get theirs this week!
America’s Dork Challenge is for Eric to kiss an HG of their choice. Zach? Jameka? Nope. Jessica! Way to make the game more interesting, dumdums. Maybe next week you can challenge him to needlessly shout everything he says or pierce his nipples. Amber corners him in the HOH suite and plops down on the bed to cry like she owns the place. Between Jameka’s snot and Amber’s crotch print on the pillow, Jessica has one uncomfortable bed waiting for her.

Hooch of Household

Amber stutters and spews “I don’t care but please like what can I like I mean you know my word is like for real and I wouldn’t ask you to but should I everyone’s afraid of being against me in the final two but like please don’t should I be worried? I’m awesome and pretty and everyone’s jealous so like whatever please I’ll do anything I like your eyebrows and you have a big one.” Eric tells her that his choice depends entirely on Jess, who walks in and interrupts. Amber doesn’t want to have to repeat the brilliance, so she leaves them alone.
Jess tells Eric that trusting the Dicks was probably the dumbest thing they could have done. Eric says for better or worse, they made a promise. She doesn’t care. They made a promise to Dustin too, and the only reason he’s not back at Payless Shoes is because he’s in the sequester house. Eric tries to talk her into sticking with their alliance, which sets off alarm bells. He said he’d do what she wanted him to and he’s clearly trying to talk her out of her decision. She tells us that she wouldn’t doubt it if Eric was untrustworthy and had some shady deals going on. Thank God. She’s not as dumb as she looks. Well, not quite as dumb as she looks.

Now’s not the time, Eric.

Eric takes a long moment to stare at the wall of pictures and contort his face into as many poses as possible. After convening the houseguests and listening to vanilla ass closing arguments from the two nominees, he gives a speech about making bold moves and changing the game. And then he announces that he won’t be using the veto. Bold. Wuss. He chose the prize money over the boobies. Zach can’t believe that Eric would be dumb enough to let the Dicklets control him. Dude, haven’t you been watching? Eric’s a boner, Amber and Jameka pray a lot, and you have a tiny one.
Amber tells us that Eric’s a greedy Jew bastard and other sweet Christian things, and Jess says that she isn’t happy with Eric’s decision, but she’s not about to lose her closest ally in the game by letting him know that. Zach could be the one evicted on Thursday, but something tells me that this time, my vision will be true and Amber will be in the sequester house real soon learning Spanish from Jenius.