FlipitTypes TV – Recaps, Gossip, and Trash Talk

This week, Top Chef taught us you can’t lose if you don’t play, wine can taste Tuscan and not be from Tuscany, and if you sucked the first time, you should probably change your game plan.

Get me a straw.

The Chefs were all spared after last week’s disastrous Restaurant Wars Challenge, and I’m still annoyed. Everyone is pretty nervous and insecure in the house this week, which makes me feel kind of better, because that usually means that they’ll suck it even harder in the do-over. I will just say this one time and move on, but THERE ARE NO MULLIGANS IN THE KITCHEN. If it’s burnt, it’s burnt. Throw that shit away.
I was wondering when serious music would play and CJ would give us his “THEY STOLE MY BALL!!! WAAAHHHHHH!!!” monologue, and it looks like it’s now. Come on, dude. Save it for the Judges Table when you’re in real trouble. It’s your big gun! He tells us that when he found out that he had testicular cancer, he didn’t think for one second that it would hold him down. He may only have one nut, but he’s got more balls than anyone in this competition! That didn’t sound rehearsed at all. What, no “now let’s get the ball rolling!”? Good for you, one nut. Glad you’re recovered. Now shut it and cook. I’m starving.
The “mystery blogger” from last week, who I can only think of as Hag to Madonna’s Snotty Uggo Brother now that you guys told me who that looza was, has written critique letters to both teams. You know, just some things to keep in mind as they prepare to repeat the challenge. Words like “disaster” and “sweaty and gross” are peppered in. Helpful. Thanks, bitch. Hearing how much they suck somehow doesn’t pep any of the chefs up. Hey, chefs. I’ve got a letter for ya. “Don’t suck this time. Love, Flipit.”

Oh, no she didn’t!

Daddy Tom tells the Chefs that because they are getting a do-over, the Restaurant War will be tougher this time. They will have to make double the dishes, as the guests will have a choice on every course. But first, let’s get through the Quickfire! The Challenge is all about team work today. Both restaurants April and Garage will work as a kitchen staff and do the prep work for a busy night. Prep work is the grunt work that most restaurants hire those illegal aliens who try to jump into your car in front of Home Depot to do, so I crack up when Daddy Tom refers to the task by it’s French name, mise en place. I’m gonna use that next time I’m watching one of the prep guys at work peel and chop pounds of onions while he sweats out his soul. Hey, Barriga! Tough mise en place today? Sucka!
The chefs will have to shuck oysters, take apart chickens, separate eggs, and chop onions. Whoever does it the fastest gets an extra two hundred bucks for wine plus the help of a “mystery guest sommalier”! The only time this show has used that term is with Stephen from Season 1. Please, God, tell me it’s not him. I just spotted the first hive break out on my forearm and I’m getting the shakes. It’s so gonna be him. WHYYYYYY??? CJ looks like he too knows what’s coming.

Shit. Let’s throw it.

Howie and Troll Patch are going head to head first in the oyster shucking contest. TP has won oyster shucking contests (seriously? They have those?) which means slow mo Howie’s screwed. He admits that he’s no great shucker and that he moves slower than fat off a fat lady on Atkins (sorry, but that diet is bullshit), so it’s no surprise that Troll Patch beats his ass, letting Bunny Foo Foo jump in to start chopping her onions while Sara M waits for Howie to finish. Damn though, Sara M sure makes up for Howie’s lame ass. She chops those onions like a machine, while Foo Foo goes into anal-retentive overdrive and slices hers like she’s trying not to hurt their feelings. Everyone is annoyed with her, even the other team. They just can’t handle perfection, Foo! Take your time!
Sara M throws down her knife and Hung jumps in to rip his chickens apart like a maniac. Seriously, it was scary. Don’t piss off Dung. He’ll have you completely dismembered in under a minute and not even bat a fake eyelash. Note to self, never try to stiff Asian tranny hookers. When he finishes, violin music plays while Foo Foo reads poetry to her beautiful onions and Baldhawk jumps in on the Garage side to separate his eggs. He whips the whites in a bowl at lighting speed and drops in a drip of vanilla, just for some sickening ambience. When he’s done, he holds the bowl upside down, proving that the eggs are too light to be affected by gravity. Cool! His eggs are as perfect as a Dairy Queen Blizzard! Go, Baldhawk! Tre’s just getting to the pile of chicken. Too bad so sad, April. You got whooped.
Both teams lose though, as they are forced to work with a guest interior designer who’s there to “help” them with their new concepts. And guess who it is! Snotty Uggo Biatch! Stephen and Snotty Uggo in one episode? This show is just daring me to throw my TV out the window. Baldhawk is as mortified as I am and he tells us that this guy’s the most obnoxious asshole he’s ever met and being Madonna’s brother doesn’t help. Oh, snap, and agreed. There’s a first. The enemy of my enemy…SnUggo picks apart Garage’s entire concept with as much malice as he can muster. Sara M puts her hand on her head and says “so what do you suggest, you horrible ugly queen?” and SnUggo says white tablecloths are a must. Wow, this guy’s a real forward thinker. The only one who seems to like him is, of course, Dung.

Stop cruising SnUggo, Dung.

April isn’t too pleased by his presence either, but when they hear his ideas, they warm up a bit. He suggests they come up with some sort of inspirational quote and stencil it across the walls. You know Tre liked that idea. He suggests GOTTAHAVEPASSION and Snuggo tells him only an ignoramus would use that one. How bout “Papa Don’t Preach”? Ass.
Later that night, team Garage decides to plan their menu out on the balcony of their suite at the Fouintanbleau while Tre is working out there. He listens in and hears their plans for gnocci and rabbit as their first course, which he relays to his teammates. They are all psyched because Garage got dissed last week for having heavy dishes and now they are doing the same exact thing, but double. They decide that they will not stray to far from what they did the first time, proving that they are no smarter than their peers. What you did last time didn’t work, fools! Hulllooooooooo?
Stephen time! He doesn’t disappoint. He’s casual today, which is a really strange sight. I can’t remember him ever wearing anything other than his Beeker threads, but this is calm, relaxed and laid back Stephen, not stuffy ass prissy little bitch Stephen. It’s kind of cute to see him try to wear jeans for what is most likely the first time in his life. No one’s told him yet that you aren’t supposed to pull them all the way up to your rib cage. It doesn’t hide your pouch, dude. That’s a myth from the 80’s that’s been put to rest. Otherwise, he’s the same. He pours what looks like hundreds of wine samples and says things like “it’s super Tuscan but it’s not from Tuscany,” and Baldhawk and Dung are so out-gayed that they stay quiet and let him do what he wants.

Wow. Even moms have stopped wearing these jeans.

Foo Foo and Troll Patch don’t have the extra wine money or the rambling geek, so they pick a couple of merlots and high five each other. I seriously doubt the mystery sommalier will be any kind of advantage. Stephen talks a good game, but I seem to remember him getting dissed last time he was given free reign in a cellar. Darn. Too bad he can’t be kicked off again.
The spaces both look way better than they did last week. SnUggo should be on Trading Spaces. Could you imagine if that guy showed up at your house and started sniveling? Trade back! Baldhawk realizes that in all the busy cooking time, he forgot to mention that the restaurant’s name will be changing from Garage to Quatre (pronounced “cot”), which is French for four. SnUggo isn’t pleased. He thinks that no one will get the French part and just think it’s an ugly sounding name. Hey, this is America! We love cots! Baldhawk tells us that when SnUggo gets his own restaurant, he can name it whatever he wants. Good afternoon, Madonna’s Brother! How many in your party? Besides, he’s not in much of a place to judge since his design looks, as Baldhawk puts it, “like Valentines day threw up all over it.”
Things are getting a little stressful as the four hours of cooking time passes, especially when Daddy Tom announces that he will be sitting in the entire time. He doesn’t say much with words, but his faces are pretty awesome.

OMG YOU SO SUCK.

Everyone makes it through prep without blood on their jackets, and Baldhawk and Troll Patch are calmer as the front of house guys this time. Kudos to TP for ditching his Men’s Warehouse suit and walking very slowly. He isn’t sweating on anyone. Yet. Baldhawk tells us that his teammates are trusting him to be an awesome restaurant manager, and if he has to be the biggest waiter abusing bitch on the planet, he’s willing to go there for his team. That worked really well last time.
The Judges arrive, along with Guest Judge Geoffrey Zakarian, chef and owner of Town and Country restaurant in NYC. He and Ted Allen get along famously right off the bat, saying Baldhawk looks like a waiter at Denny’s in his Jeans and polo. LOL, Queer Eyes. Joey, Lia, Saran, and the chick in the bikini will be in the restaurants tonight. Lucky them! I’ll bet they’re feeling awesome right now. When Baldhawak tells Hung that Saran and Joey are in their restaurant, he asks “Who’s Saran and Joey?” This guy is making an obvious attempt to not be as much of an asshole lately, but he just can’t help it.
Zakarian isn’t impressed with the tuna tartare, because everyone does it and it’s just become a cliche. I would call him a snooty queen, but I said that last week when Dung whipped it out the first time. Oh, alright. We’re both snooty queens. Their poussin and gnocchi course looks like what happens when you try to force feed a baby chicken pot pie.

No means no!

Baldhawk asks Queer Eye if he likes the chicken and Ted Allen says it’s divine. Baldhawk says “Good! Cuz that’s my dish!” Then he skips off blowing kisses. Quatre’s halibut with grapes and leeks comes out as their first second course option, and the Judges all love it. Their lamb chops also taste great. Nice work so far, Cot! Oh, wait. Joey doesn’t approve. He can tell it’s a Howie dish. At first I think this might be a compliment, but then he points at his plate and says “undercooked and undercooked”. It’s hard to tell he’s talking about the chops because there aren’t even whole bones left on the plate. Ass.

It was so undercooked! WAAAH!!!

Baldhawk serves the pana cotta to the Judges and tells Queer Eye “you couldn’t get enough of this last time, huh?” Stop flirting, BH. You’re not helping. Neither, apparently, is Stephen. As per usual, he is talking everyone’s head off about the wine, and also as usual, his victims look like they wanna run. Baldhawk gently tells him that he doesn’t like “over service”, and Stephen looks depressed. This guy just can’t catch a break. But he wore cool jeans! What more can he do?!?
April serves their seared scallop on corn truffle custard first. It’s pretty ballsy of them to serve this dish again, as the “custard” was compared to crunchy mac n’cheese last week. It went over a lot better this time. The sugared wild king salmon with macadamia nut pesto and grapefruit tanked, though. Zakarian calls it “a car wreck in Times Square” and Queer Eye says that it’s the worst thing he’s ever tasted and chugs down a glass of wine. I’m enjoying the pairing of Queer Eye and Zakarian, and hope they get their own show.

That tasted like a building demolition! Hardeeharhar

The second course options are carrot and ginger soup and lobster salad with caramelized cauliflower, which sounds funky to me. The third course is monkfish and mashed potatoes and seared beef tenderloin with smoked potatoes. Again, the smoked potatoes were a failure last week that this team has chosen to revisit. Scar thought her monkfish was over cooked and Zakarian calls it unforgettable. Well, at least no one spit out their smoked potatoes. Improvement counts for something, right? Doubtful.
Tre presents his apple bread pudding, which he earlier insisted he could make in his sleep. It is universally panned. Queer Eye calls it dry and overcooked, and Zakarian just looks deep into his eyes, wondering how they could have lived so long without each other. One of the old “real people” tables says the pudding was awful, and the old man says he wouldn’t ever go back to that restaurant again. Unless it was for free and he got to get his pruney ass on TV. UGH. HATE REAL PEOPLE. Shut up and eat, you old fart. It’s gotta be better than the slop they serve you at Shady Pines.
Joey gets up to give Baldhawk a hug as he leaves. He is looking like a really cool, suave movie star today. Glad to see him keeping it real. NOT.

Next step, sunscreen!

Time for Judges Table. They all liked Cot. The food was great, the decor was a vast improvement, and there was no vanilla involved. The only problem that arose was Baldhawk’s sloppy attire. Just you wait, Judges, he should be changing into the highwaters Tiffany loaned him right about now.
Zakarian says that there was a “honesty” to April that was missing from Cot. Man, dude. Get over the tuna tartare already. Tre’s scallop was good this time, but Queer Eye calls the salmon a catastrophe. Tom tries to soften the blow by saying the dish maybe suffered from one to many ingredients and Ted counters “it was disgusting.” HAhaha. Tom stays quiet, but he looks like he’s missing BURNT! CHARRED! Gail right now. The bread pudding sucked it, but they all appreciated the fact that Tre came out to pout creme anglaise table side and show the guests his tattoo.
Scar calls in Team Cot, which she pronounces Cat. Damn, woman, the name is lame enough already. Let them be. No worries! They won! No one calls Baldhawk out on dressing like a slob. Instead they move straight for the positive and name Sara M the winner because she was the Head Chef. She jumps up and down, psyched, and gives credit to her team mates. Scar tells them to call in the other team. What, no book to hawk this week? Come on, Zakarian! You must have a tome of your witticisms lying around somewhere.
April is called in, and Tre is the first to get dragged across the grill for his salmon dish. He stands up for it, but Zakarian said that if he were the Head Chef, that plate never would have left the kitchen. Tre argues that the salmon was better. Haha. Yeah, ok, they give him that. Now about the salmon…
CJ’s lobtster was way too salty. He opens his mouth to start the One Nut Monlogue, but he already used that one. Darn. He gets off easy compared to Bunny Foo Foo. Daddy Tom offers no specific critique, he just didn’t like her dish. She admits her monkfish was a bit over cooked, but Zakarian doesn’t care. He explains that, ya see, the fish is already dead. You don’t wanna kill it again. OUCH. She looks like she’s gonna cry. Aw, maybe Peppermint Patty waited around to give you a hug.
When they get around to the bread pudding, Tre says that he had minimal knowledge of bread pudding. Uh, hullo? You said you could do it in your sleep! GOTTAHAVEGOODLIES. Did anyone else on the team know how to make dessert? I repeat “don’t answer don’t answer don’t answer” over and over at the TV, but CJ takes that bait and says that he does. Immediately, Zakarian pounces. Then why didn’t he help his fellow Chef and watch his back! Huh? Why? Huh? Why? Well, when he was 29 he got testicular cancer and….nope. Sorry. Ah, well, the story affected Foo.

Poor Foo Foo. Cheer up. You can’t go to jail for double murdering a fish.

Daddy Tom reminds CJ that he had the best dining room and a handpicked team, and says that the other team came off as much stronger chefs. CJ sticks to the company line, saying he thought they did a good job. Tom adds that the other team took the criticism from last week and changed it up, where April stuck to their guns and went downhill. Then he looks away, disgusted. Damn, Tom, calm down. I blame his more dickish than usual behavior on the fact that he was stuck in the kitchen for four hours instead of at a table with a bottle of wine in one hand and Scar’s knee under the other.
The Judges have a hard time deciding who sucked the hardest. CJ only made one dish and it was no good, Tre’s salmon and Foo Foo’s fish were both nasty pants, and Troll Patch didn’t cook anything and his service was laughable. The head of the ship was Tre and in the end, he’s told to pack his knives and get the fuck out.
WHAT?!?!? I didn’t see that one coming! Wait. That’s it?? I thought two people were out! Dammit, how did Troll Patch survive this one? I just DON’T GET IT! HE DID NOTHING!! Argh. Tre takes it like a man and tells us that the show has really given him the confidence to open up his own place and be very “successfeel”. Good Lord, man, I believe you. Just hire someone else to word the menus.

I know, right?