FlipitTypes TV - Recaps, Gossip, and Trash Talk

This week, Top Chef taught us that Howie’s a big stupid asshole who is never going to leave our TVs.

Can’t cook? Try being a horrible person! MMMMMMmmmmmmm. Yummy!

Before we get on with this week’s show, let’s all take a moment to breathe deep and be thankful for the final two minutes of last week’s episode.

A week later, I’m still giggling and praising the Lord.

The Chefs start by talking about how much they’re gonna miss Joey’s loud snoring, immature fight picking, and arrogant wheezing, but I don’t buy it. The numbers are dwindling, and everyone seems pleased that they’re still around. Baldhawk says that he’s so glad to still be in the competition, cuz he still sees himself as the fat gay kid in Junior High that always got made fun of. Awwww! Nope, you’re totally different now! You’re the bald hawked, high water wearin’ gay kid who always gets made fun of (by me). I kinda like you for once being fat, but I hate you more for getting skinny. TRAITOR!
Howie had forged a friendship with Joey, but let’s face it, if it comes down to him and a friend, he’s gonna prevail. He’s a winner! Howie’s a big mouthed, trash talkin’ arrogant cave man who works verrrrryyyy slooowwwwlllyyy, sweats all over his food, and resents anything with boobies. Yup, we have a winner!
The Chefs walk into the Not Kenmore Kitchen for their Quickfire and there’s a long table filled with product from Coldstone Creamery, complete with a cute little worker bee, waiting for them. The Challenge will be to make their own filling to be folded into the ice cream. Wow. I get that you have to do some product placement to pay the bills, Bravo, but this is pretty lame. Cover a peanut with some chocolate, give it a candy colored shell, and be done with it. You can’t beat a peanut M&M, people.
Govind Armstrong is the Guest Judge, and he does his best to not look completely offended that he has to critique this lame task. Scar asks him to give some advice to the Chefs, and he says “do what speaks to your heart.” Uhhhh, it’s fucking Coldstone, dude. The only thing the heart is saying is “noooooooooooooo! You’re killing me, Larry!”

Glad to see Milli got over Vanilli’s death and learned a new skill. It’s a downright inspiration.

Tre’s psyched that he gets to cook fold ice cream for a black Chef, cuz there aren’t many in the fine dining world, and a guy who talks about adding toppings to ice cream as a matter of the heart will surely dig a man who cooks with PASSION. Tre is pretty over this whole experience by now. He whispers and drones into the camera like he’s about to slip into Catatonia. Snap out of it, dude. You’re on TV.
Howie’s blow torching berries, cuz as he says “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” And if it is broke, yell a lot and blame someone else for breaking it. Dung, of course, says his fellow contestants are a bunch of narrow minded sheep who only want to make their ice cream taste good. His plan is to change the face of Coldstone forever with white chocolate cauliflower Monkey Spit Foam. Very original, Dung! Following Marcel’s every move, even down to the shitty ice cream challenge entry. He may not be able to top last season’s bacon and avocado frozen treat, but he’s determined to at least make something equally as disgusting. Good luck!
Bunny Foo Foo’s using chile, and Tre doesn’t approve. That’s think waaay too outside the box. He’s gone with candied hazelnut and raspberry ginger. His dish ends up looking like a moat with a sinking candy ship in the middle, and it just depresses me.

Please cheer up, Tre. There’s no reason to kill everyone on that boat just because you’re in a bad mood.

Hung has decided more is more for this one, and he’s got about seventy dishes of toppings in front of him. Candied nuts, tempura flakes, tamarind, brown butter sauce, cauliflower, white chocolate, a lucky bunny foot, chicken fingers, iced tea mix, a couple of cds, electrical tape and spit foam. Milli thought the cd was a bit much, so Hung stutters incoherently and offers him a sucky fucky five dolla.
Bunny Foo Foo’s sriracha and poblano chile ice cream made Milli almost throw up on her, but she somehow found a way to turn it into a compliment. “He shuddered!” LOL, Foo. Baldhawk’s flambed peach cobbler went over well, as did Howie’s balsamic berries. He keeps repeating that he “macerated” his berries, and I wish he would stop looping that word with the thick accent. It’s just disgusting. Who wants to think of Howie rubbing one out before dessert?

Poor victimized berries.

Milli says that if there’s anyone who’s an obvious bottom in the room, it’s Hung. Also, his ice cream sucked it. Hung laughs instead of arguing, which is a major step toward maturity. Good for you, Dung! Foo Foo’s also grossed him out, and she laughs, too. Hello, people. Please take Milli seriously.
Baldhawk wins! I am happy for him because he was against Howie in the top 2, and I would have had to stop the dvr if there was no possibility of the Cave Man going home by the end of the episode. Scar tells them that they are off the hook for the Elimination Challenge. At least for today. Instead of cooking, they will get to go out and party!
They jump around and scream like they’ve been given cars, and Troll Patch explains that they have got to get out of the house and socialize with “real people”. HAHA. CJ says that he’s been in Miami for all this time and hasn’t made out with one dude, so he’s psyched to have the chance to cruise, if only for a couple hours. Baldhawk and Saran dance around together, in love. Saran has crowned him her new GBF, and it’s touching to see her loan him an outfit for their big night out.

This will totally take people’s eyes of the bald parts.

Howie says that he’s gonna eat as much as possible and dress like a slob, because for once in his life, the bouncers have to let him into the clubs. He tells us that he’s from Miami, so he spent his youth making the rounds of rejection from club to club, and work finally became more important than being told “OH HELL NO, FUG!” Aw, poor Howie. Wipe your face.
Everyone gets all gussied up and they hoot and holla as they make their way to the club in a stretch Hummer limo. When they arrive, there are two huge catering trucks with Scar and Milli standing out front to greet them. Ruh-roh. Bunny Foo Foo is severely pissed, because she doesn’t do Elimination Challenges in her ho’in clothes. Scar says hi and she curtly spits out “Hello, Padma.” LOL, Bunny. Let her have it.

Time for a new scar, bitch.

Sara M thinks it’s funny that Foo Foo and Saran are so upset that they have cleavage showing at cookin’ time, because she doesn’t give a shit. Apparently not.

Top Heiff

The Challenge will be to cook all night long for the drunk club pimps and hos, and to make it worse, this is a team challenge. Ooooh! I can’t wait to watch Hung try and run around the tiny kitchen in heels! Baldhawk is immune, so he gets the night off to hang with Vanilli at his restaurant, Table 8. I hope he asks him for a song.
Troll Patch gets to work with Sara M, Hung and Tre, which leaves CJ stuck with Foo Foo, Saran, and Howie. Ouch. Talk about pickin’ the short fat angry stick. I call shenanigans! Of course, Team Troll Hawk figures out a menu in two minutes and is ready to rumble, but Team Single Ball is one big sweaty shouting match. Foo Foo rolls her eyes and Saran pouts out brilliant ideas like french fries while Howie yells “NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO” a lot. I might as well just fast forward to the end, cuz one of these bozos is out.
Howie tells us that he doesn’t have to be liked to be a good leader. Yeah, that Abraham Lincoln was a real asshole. As long as his staff shuts up and listen to him, he’ll take them to the Promised Land. Hey, Moses. The burning bush called. It said to shut the fuck up.
The Chefs descend on the Fresh Market, which is all closed up for the night. They bang on the window until the poor shopkeeper opens up and Foo Foo asks “What are you still doing here?!?” What luck! This is soooo reality, you guys. The teams pull their menus together and get to shopping.

I’m glad Troll Patch is venturing out of his comfort zone.

Team Troll Patch high fives each other after their easy squeeze shopping trip, and all of them are grateful to not be with Howie. CJ tries to pep talk his team over the Cave Man’s “NO NO NO NO” rant, because he was on a volleyball team for three years and he knows how to win. Uh, being ginormous may work in volleyball, but this is about making drunk people happy. Your height might scare them. Keep up the pep, though. Meanwhile, over at Table Eight, crickets chirp and Baldhawk makes the mistake of asking how Vanilli is.

Check, please!

Daddy Tom comes out at 1 AM to check on progress and Troll Patch starts shouting like a circus barker, or a special kid who missed the bus. The team is in great spirits. Even Tre! He tells Tom that Troll Patch might be the leader outside the truck, but when people get a look at his huge toned arms they’ll want to be in the kitchen. Then he cackles and jumps around. Bi-polar much? GOTTAHAVEROZEREM.
His whole team knows they have this one in the bag so they jump around and scream a lot to show us how much FUN they’re having! Me and CJ are both annoyed, but he chooses to ignore them. I choose to make a little drawing of Troll Patch and repeatedly stab it with my pen.
Saran is done with all her prep work, so she offers to help Howie. Uh-oh. Stay away from the Cave Man. He’ll club your ass. He hasn’t gotten to his milkshakes yet, so he tells her to blend the ice cream up with some milk. She wants to put ice in the blender, but he says that’s stupid. I hate Howie just as much as the next guy, but I think he’s right on this one. Saran is depressed and over it, so he tells her to just go ahead and do it how she wants to. By serving time, the team isn’t prepped for the crowd, which is sad and not shocking at all.
Time for the drunkos! Watching Foo Foo try to fend off a wasted old Eurotrash dude in a tight shirt made my day. Troll Patch ruined it again pretty fast though. He stood in front of his truck and growled “GRRIIIIIITTS!!!”. He wouldn’t stop yelling and growling. TP! We’re drunk. Please be quiet.
The drunkos had a great time. The only complaint was from this guy, who I wish was a Judge on the show:

The media noche was messed up, yo.

At the Judges Table, it’s agreed upon that Team Troll Patch got their food out the fastest and had the crowd in the palm of their hand. Milli loved Tre’s cheesy grits and Troll Patch’s ceviche. Ted Allen agrees that the grits were amazing, but doesn’t see anything great about ceviche. It’s totally easy. Not to mention that retard growl. It was totally unappetizing. They also liked Hung’s onion rings and chicken, well, except for Tom. The onion rings were ok but the chicken was lousy. LOL. Maybe it’s because it wasn’t fried with a chicken fat casing and topped with spit. Dumb Dung.
Ted tries to give a shout out to Saran’s sliders, but Milli thought they were underseasoned and dry, and Daddy hated the milkshakes. He also notes that Saran looked like a Stepford Wife through the whole challenge. Foo Foo made up for her craptacular chile ice cream with bad ass four cheese quesadillas, but Howie stumbled with his Cuban sandwiches. Ted thinks they were just mediocre and he could have done without the side of saltwater on his plate.
Team Troll Patch is named the winner, and TP speaks for them. Ugh. SHUT UP, MALARKEY! YOU DIDN’T COOK ANYTHING! Milli gives him props for matching the drunk idiot energy of the crowd, and Ted Allen compliments Tre’s cheesy grits, which wins the big prize! Congrats, Tre! You’re the proud new owner of Milli’s book, “Small Bites, Night Lights, Big Nights, and Not Killing Yourself”! It’s no trip to Italy, but at least you don’t have to intern for Chef DisDain for the Summer. Troll Patch announces Tre’s win to the losing Chefs with a growl yell. The challenge is over. Please stop the growl yelling. You’re scaring the children.

TIMMMAAAAAAAY!!!

Team Cave Man is called to the Judge’s table and the two women start by complaining that they had to cook while they were dressed like hos. Saran says the Challenge was “demoralizing”. Daddy Tom pulls a face and I crack up. Shut up, Saran. It’s not their fault you were showing your tiny boobage. No one really gets props for their food, and Daddy Tom says that Saran’s being demoralized seemed to rub off on her team. HEY! I CALL MALARKEY!! Now she has to take the fall for Howie’s dickish behavior because she didn’t want to get grease burns on her tatas? BULLSHIT, TOM!
Howie jumps in and says that Saran was slow and useless in the kitchen, and Foo Foo sticks up for her by saying this was the first she heard of that problem. Way to show you were communicating, Foo. Saran tries to relay as nicely as possible that Howie’s a shithead, but she’s just not mean enough to get her message across. Howie says she’s the baby of the house and everyone has to do everything for her. She looks way up at CJ for some help. He mutters “that’s a bit extreme”. Come on, One Nut! You can do better than that! He and Foo Foo should be condemning the Cave Man, but they all stay silent while he rags on Saran. BOOOOOO!!!! She finally says “that’s enough!” and cries. Uh-oh. Bye bye. Daddy Tom doesn’t like cry babies.

The Judges are pretty grossed out by everyone’s behavior. Foo Foo and CJ were both huge pussies, Howie’s a jerk with a really crappy sandwich, and Saran’s demoralization was no excuse for watery milkshakes and dry sliders. Back in the holding room, Saran is still crying, unable to believe that anyone called her a baby, and Foo Foo and CJ stick up for her. Way too little, way too late, jerkoffs. Howie says he didn’t mean that she was a big baby, he just meant that she was a big baby. UGH. I am kind of hating them all right now and don’t have a joke to end this paragraph, so I’ll give you one from the drag queen bingo segment of Welcome to the Parker.

If you wanna date Michael Jackson, you must B 14! LOL, drag queen. Thanks for savin’ me on that one.

Daddy Tom calls them back in and derides all of them, but says that the two obviously responsible for the team loss were Saran and Howie, and shouting and being a misogynistic asshole is better than being a big cry-ie pants, so Saran, pack your knives and get the fuck out. DAMMIT!!! How many times has Howie been on the bottom now because of crappy food and an even worse personality? WHAT GIVES!?! DOWN WITH THE CAVEMAN! This is total bullshit. Saran takes it better than me, saying that she’s too nice to be in the shark tank and she doesn’t want to be like the other contestants. Then she closes with the smartest thing that’s ever come out of her mouth: “There’s a fine line between being competitive and being an asshole.” You never crossed it, and that’s why you’re out, sugar. This isn’t about cooking well, it’s about creating REALITY.

Come on, editors, that’s just degrading.