Previously on Big Brother, the house became spookily quiet when Jenius went missing, Eric didn’t get any play, and even Drew Carey thought Amber was a jack ass.
What percentage of Americans think Amber’s a fucking moron?
The Miss Teen USA Pageant was on this past Friday on NBC and you know it was a big important night for the network because they pulled out their big guns and booked two of the most important, reputable judges in television history: Joey Lawrence and Sabrina the Teenage Witch.
Didn’t even know the show was on? Don’t worry! YouTube has saved the day! If you have ever felt lesser than or even slightly insecure in your intellectual prowess, add this video to your favorites and cuddle up with it on a sad, rainy day. I know I will.
Thanks, Miss South Carolina!
This week, Top Chef taught us you can’t lose if you don’t play, wine can taste Tuscan and not be from Tuscany, and if you sucked the first time, you should probably change your game plan.
Get me a straw.
Previously on Big Brother, Zach cockblocked America’s eyebrows, Nick proved that he was just a big teenage girl all along, and God totally screwed Amber over.
I’ll trade you my kid for the veto.
This week, Top Chef taught us that the best chef in the world isn’t the Kentucky Fried Chicken man, Men’s Warehouse suits don’t breathe easily, and there are no winners in WAR.
Stud alert!
Alright, loves of my life. You have been taunting me with Eric’s huge on in the comments section, and I refused to believe you. i believe my exact words were “EEWWWWWWW”. Zoobabe and HB have delivered the package for your consumption. Thanks girls! And enjoy! Oh, and still ew. LOVE
Previously on Big Brother: Jameka pulled out the attitude we’ve all been waiting for, Jenius finally got through a week without being nominated, and the Dicks were shocked to learn that no one likes them. Who woulda thunk? Nick, if you’re not home laughing your ass off right now, you really should be. Oh, and call me, would ya?
What’d IIIIIIIIIIIII do?!?!?
This week, Top Chef taught us that Howie’s a big stupid asshole who is never going to leave our TVs.
Can’t cook? Try being a horrible person! MMMMMMmmmmmmm. Yummy!
Previously on Big Brother, Jenius considered making the biggest Dick move ever, Jameka talked dirty to God, and this shit got GOOOOOD!
Previously on Big Brother, the HGs were left hanging from poles while being pooped on by pigeons. And you thought art was dead.
If we all wrote a check to PBS right now, we could really make a difference.
Previously on Big Brother, Dustin went shopping instead of making sure (Dick’s) his original nominations were upheld, Nick was thrown into the eviction nominations at the last second because America told Eric’s eyebrows to vote against Kail, and God proved once and for all that he is watching this show by telling Jameka to save Jenius. Yay God!
God has awarded you this BFF locket. The other half is around His neck. Sorry, Amber.
I went to the freezer and pulled out my dinner. As I unscrewed the top from the bottle of Sapphire (come on, I’m on a diet!) I stared at my powered off TV with disdain. I am still pretty upset about last week’s Watch What Happens When A Bunch of People You Didn’t Like Very Much the First Time Get Together and Make You Miss Tim Gunn More Than Ever Special. I’m still having Bobblehead nightmares. Damn you, Bravo!
Well, it turns out my favorite show came back in top form. All is forgiven. Still, MISS YOU TIMMY G! This week, Top Chef taught us that Botox shouldn’t just be for the ladies, IQF isn’t a shopping network, and if you want a big stubborn lug to hear you, hit him on the head with a pan.
Don’t cry! You’re totally pretty!
Previously on Goodness Gracious Get Ahold of Yourself, Paula!, wah wah trip wah. Tonight, Paula learns a valuable lesson. HAHAHAHAAAAAAA. No, she really doesn’t. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
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