Trash Talk: The Prez and the Pope Shoot the Shit
BREITBART President Bush descended on Vatican City Saturday to chill with Pope Benedict XVI, who he’d never met. A friend on the inside (what? You don’t think I know people at the Vatican? Puleeze, people. I have a very wide network. Thanks, MySpace!) got me a transcript.
Pope: (translated) Over here!
Bush: What?
Pope: Here!
Bush: Which one am I supposed to shake hands with?
The translator steps aside and ushers him to the Pope.
Bush: Oh, right. The hat.
Translator: I will translate.
Bush: He doesn’t know English?
Awkward silence.
Bush: HI THERE! MY NAME IS GEORGE!
Translator: You don’t have to yell, sir.
Bush: He didn’t say anything!
Translator: That was from me.
Bush: Oh. Can we have some time alone?
Translator confers with Benedict.
Translator: No.
Bush: Hi there! My name is George!
Translator: He knows.
Bush: Why won’t he shake my hand?
Translator: Kiss his ring.
Bush: I know there’s no cussin’ in church, but couldn’t you at least find something that rhymes with ass?
Translator: I don’t understand.
Bush: Like kiss my bass. That’s a good one. I’m gonna use that.
Translator: It’s customary to kiss the ring of the Pope when you are in his presense.
Bush looks around uncomfortably.
Pope: I am disturbed by the War in Iraq.
Translator: I am disturbed by the War in Iraq.
Bush: Who is? You or him?
Translator: Him.
Pope: Who the fuck is this douche?
Translator: He repeats. He is disturbed by the War in Iraq.
Bush: How come? We’re rooting out terrorist snakes in their holes!
Pope: This man makes people hate Christians.
Translator: I am worried about the Muslim people treating Christians unfairly.
Bush: Oh, don’t you worry. They’ll be singing Jesus Loves me by Fall. We got more money.
Translator is silent.
Bush: Well, tell him what I said!
Translator: Not yet. I am trying to word it correctly.
Bush: My words are good! Tell him they hate us cuz they don’t know us yet. People thought radiation was bad til’ they found out it cured cancer.
Translator is silent.
Pope: Did he say cancer?
Translator: Yes.
Bush: Huh?
Pope: We need to help the people of Africa.
Translator: He is worried about AIDS ravaging Africa.
Bush: Don’t worry. We’re not letting anyone on a plane this time. Can you believe the gall on that guy?
Translator: Which?
Bush: You know. The one with AIDS who flew all over the place after he found out he had it.
Translator: I’m sorry…I don’t…
Bush: Don’t be sorry, it’s not your fault. It’s like my mama used to say, if you have AIDS, stay in Africa!
Pope: Get this asshole out of here.
Translator: It is time for mass.
Bush: You still have to go to church? You’re the boss!
Translator: Yes, he still has to go to church.
Bush: If I were you, I’d find whoever made that rule and get rid of ‘em.
Translator: Get rid?
Bush: Not kill ‘em. Just fire ‘em. Or get someone to.
Translator: God made that rule, sir.
Bush: Well, he’s been at it a long time. He might welcome a change.
Translator: Thank you for coming to visit.
Bush: He didn’t say anything.
Translator: He meant it.
Bush: BYE POPE!!! THIS WAS GREAT TIMES!
Translator: Please stop yelling.
Bush: How come his eyes are rolling back like that?
Translator: We will make sure you have your security team ready to leave. The protestors are violent today.
Bush: Democracy in action, huh? Little bastards. Oops. Sorry. I meant dastards.
Translator: Thank you.
Bush: I owe the curse jar.
Pope throws a ball at Bush’s head.
Bush: What the?
Translator: It’s a stress ball.
Bush: I’ll keep it! Thanks! I got you a book about some other Pope from America but I left it in the car. I’ll go get it.
Translator: We’ll be here.
Bush: I’LL BE RIGHT BACK!!
He runs out of the room.
Pope: Lock the door.
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That’s exactly like I imagined it would happen. Good thing it was Bush and not Cheney. He would have “accidently” shot him.
For a second there I thought it was the transcripts of the conversation I had with my 9 yr. old nephew.
chooch
i din’t read this post but i wajut want to say that straight men suck monkey balls. yes that’s ringht, monkey balls. i hate me. i’mn going to go hit on rosei. this has nothing to do wiht this post but i don’tl care. men suck. poo. love you flipit!
holy mother of straight losers, pegman. it’s gay pride and i ended up spending my night with a bunch of those breeder dumdums too. ugh. i was w my friend who has cute boobies and the guys were drooling on the floor and breathing beer breathe on them. YUCKY. thank god for vodka.
The Pope wear Prada. I don’t know why but that just seems so un-pope like. Like shouldn’t he be wearing those ballet slippers Capezio things or something.
Peg – whether it has a rod or a rack an asswipe is an asswipe.
hb
Nice work Flipit. I think Pegster drunk-blogged you. Must be nice having a guy on the inside at the Vatican.
I will start by stating I am not Catholic but that pope up there is frightening. I thought the old pope was cute and cuddly but this one would really scare me if I was a young boy in the C. faith….scary looking dude
I totally drunk blogged! It’s flipit, he understands. Anyway, my drunk comments are always much more entertaining than my sober ones!!
yay drunk blog. what do you think i’m doing here?