Trash Talk: Starting Your Own Terrorist Cell is Haaaard!

WNBC It was the first thing I heard about Saturday morning, and people have been talking about it non stop. A planned bombing of the fuel lines at JFK Airport was foiled by the FBI. It would have been worse than 9/11! We got a cell! We got a cell!

Well, an almost cell…We got a 63 year old retired airport worker from Brooklyn and some dudes from Guyana. That must be somewhere in Iraq. Wait. No. South America. Right. What? Oh, Flipit. Don’t be racist. Terrorists come in all colors. Why else would security be frisking old Asian ladies at the airport to make sure they don’t board a plane with cuticle clippers or saline solution? Terrorists are crawling all over the place, and lots of times they look like this:

OK, so these South American dudes got together and, funded by some other untraceable cell, got the money to buy bombs and snuck up to the fuel lines at JFK just before the FBI came in and….nope. They didn’t have bombs, a way to access the fuel lines or even a clue as how to get access, and they didn’t have funding. Not that they didn’t try. They sent fundraising letters to lots of big bad extremists but couldn’t even raise enough for a can of Old Spice. Man, winning terrorist grants is a really competitive business.

What the four men did do was talk about doing something huge. They talked HARD. For a full year. In that time, they were infiltrated by a convicted drug dealer the FBI used as an informant who recorded their conversations as they drove around the airport to look at filling stations and take pictures. I wonder if the astronomical gas prices ever came up and if they were as pissed as I am about it.

One of the men was about to flee, so the FBI decided to arrest them before any damage was done. One is still at large in Trinidad, but still. We got three super dangerous terrorists who were about to do some major damage. That’s the FBI’s story and they’re sticking to it, but I have a feeling they were just really bored after a year of listening to a 63 year old fruit loop named Russell call himself Mohammed and rant about gas prices and having to pee all the time, so they pulled the plug on the investigation and went straight to the party.

Russell wasn’t shy at all during his interrogation. When asked why JFK, he answered “Anytime you hit Kennedy, it is the most hurtful thing to the United States,” he allegedly said. “To hit John F. Kennedy, wow… They love John F. Kennedy like he’s the man… If you hit that, the whole country will be in mourning. It’s like you can kill the man twice.” But ya couldn’t. Russell.

I am NOT ragging on the FBI or the men and women fighting true, horrific terrorism and keeping us safe. Terrorism is not hilarious. But watching the governmedia high five itself for busting a 63 three year old nut case with no money, no bombs, and apparently no talent? That’s comedy. This guy cruised the airport with his friends for a year and dreamt about becoming a star and poof, just like that, he became one. Now come on, Russell. Admit it. America’s awesome.