Trash Talk UPDATE: Friday, June 1

Today in Trash Talk: TB Man hasn’t slept a wink (poor thing!), Lindsay Lohan gets smart, and Dr. Laura’s son turns out to be just as fucked up as you’d think.

TB MAN CAN’T SLEEP AT NIGHT. PLEASE DON’T SUE.

GOOD MORNING AMERICA I’ve been avoiding this story (let’s face it. Tuberculosis is gross.), but it’s everywhere. I turned on Coast to Coast last night to hear some trailer trash try to con me into believing they had an alien’s lipstick up their corn hole and even George Norrie was talking about the douche who got on an airpline with TB just after he found out his particular strain was a nasty, rare, drug resistant kind. He got on lots of planes, apparently. He even had a romantic European Honeymoon. Way to not let TB get you down, dude. My first question is this:

I mean really, girl. Have some self respect. You find out the guy you like has TB, and not only do you wanna marry him and bring him into your house (with your kids), you insist the wedding happen “NOW. RIGHT NOW! I’M NOT WAITING, ANDY! GO COUGH UP A LOOGIE AND MEET ME IN THE CAR. WE’RE GETTING MARRIED! IN EUROPE! AND I WANT AN OOMPA LOOMPA! NOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!” Where do you think he’s gonna run off to if you don’t get that ring right this second? He’s too sick to run. Seriously, are you that desperate for a man? You’re blonde, thin, and kinda pretty in that used to be kinda way. There are a million fish in the sea that won’t breath Reaper Breath all over you. Get a hold of yourself, woman.

TB Man is a personal injury lawyer (LOL), so he’s saying all the right things. TB’s bad? No one told him! He was running every day and filing frivolous lawsuits like a champ. And about that CDC Order not to fly? They said it was a suggestion. Not an order. Like how the government suggests we pay taxes every year. He told Diane Sawyer that he has a tape of someone at the CDC telling him it was safe to travel. Really? I have a tape of Mandisa’s first two singles. Look! Now we’re both irrelevant! Why would you need taped permission if you had no idea TB was dangerous? And why did you take your Daddy in-almost-law to the taping? Could it be because he’s a CDC microbiologist who specializes in TB and he would know how to talk your way into a romantic honeymoon? And don’t you think it’s fishy that not only are you sick with the disease your almost Dad works with every day, but by helping you onto a plane, he sent you to a foreign coutry where he most likely knew you would be held by authorities? TB Man. Stop and think. Is your dad in-almost-law trying to kill you?

Well, that would sure help TB Man with his credibility in the victim’s corner. He hasn’t slept a wink for a week! He shuts up and lets his new wife explain (cry and whine). According to her, “waaahhhhhhhhhhh!”. Also, “whyyyyyyyy?” and “raaahhhrrgghhhh wah wah wah sniffle.” She said that the CDC told them not to travel after they were already out of the country. If they couldn’t travel, they couldn’t get back to Denver to get TB Man the help that he needed. So you see? They had to illegaly cross the border and fly commercial. Wait. Denver? Why would he need to get help in a special hospital in Denver? He’s totally fine! Diane goes on to ask her if she’s banged her man yet, and that really sets her sprinklers. “I haven’t even kissed my husband!” Well, that’s the most foresight you’ve shown so far. Cheers!

The fun part of this story is that after all this drama for a European wedding, TB Man boned it by not filing the proper paperwork. The two had their party anyway, but as far as a legal marriage goes, they were sent home from the church empty handed. But not empty lunged! (Rim shot.) Morons.

In related news, a guy in front of me in the bank line sneezed today and I almost smacked him in the back of the head. If you’re sick, STAY HOME! Unless you’re me. Cuz I’m totally never contagious. My snot ain’t nasty.

*this Trash Talk Update is dedicated to GreenEyes. LOVE 

LINDSAY LOHAN IS LIKE, TOTALLY RESPONSIBLE

WARNING: NOT NEWS As everyone in the world knows by now, Lindsay Lohan was caught passed out in her car. The media’s been losing their minds over the story like they just. Can’t. BELIEVE IT! I have one thing to say. The bitch wasn’t driving. Thanks, Linds!

DOCTOR LAURA MIGHT JUST BE A HERO AFTER ALL

SALT LAKE TRIBUNE OK, I have a confession to make. I listen to Dr. Laura every day while I drive around getting coffee and pretending I’m doing something with my life. One of the best entertainers out there. She has never been topped in the disgusting, horrible, ignorant c word category, and this is coming from a man who fooled around with (and got severely burned by) Bill O’Reilly. Listening to her literally ruin lives for three hours a day reminds me to always be armed. There are some nasty bitches out there that will suck your soul completely dry if you let ‘em.

For those of you who don’t listen, Dr. Laura is the moral police (click here for her nude photos NSFW). A little history: Around the time Laci Peterson went missing, Dr. Laura showed up on Larry King to hawk one of her Proper Care and Feeding of Dummies guidebooks to a miserable life. She furrowed her brow like she was gonna pop out a kernal of corn and compared her grief to Laci’s family. She understands what it’s like to lose someone and not know what happened! Uh, you mean your mom? You disowned her, shut her out in the cold, and let her die a sad lonely life. That’s what happened. Scott Peterson was on the news that same night with his own BS tears, and I remember feeling like it was about to start raining for forty days and forty nights. God just had to be over it.

Point is, Dr. Laura is an asshole. Well, a few months ago, her son Derek was deployed to Iraq. When I heard, my eyes rolled so far back into my head that I actually saw male pattern baldess from the inside. How could that boy even be old enough to be in the ARMY? She talks about him like he’s nine. The truth was immediately pretty clear to me. That kid was running like hell from his psycho mom. Wouldn’t you?
Derek’s intentions aside, he’s fighting for our country. Admirable, right? Since he’s been gone, the Doctor has been “feeling” things on air. Now, instead of “I’m my kids mom” (duh), she’s looping “the proud mother of a deployed American paratrooper” over and over again. Oh, doctor! You’re so brave!

Last week, she had a tour de force monologue when a woman called in “feeling sorry for herself” about her own son being at war. The doc reminded the woman that her son could have his hand or leg blown off any second and didn’t want to listen to her “whine”. Schlessinger then went into a mini “Rose’s Turn” breakdown of “emotion”, ranting about keeping it together for your family as she “lost it” and wailed about the constant checking of emails to see if her kid is dead or not. Thanks for callin’, lady. Hope you feel better. Click.

She should have stayed online after she checked her emails and headed over to her sweet boy’s (alleged, possible fake, maybe not true) MySpace page. She could have read a very detailed autobiography about the seed she watered. According to The Salt Lake Tribune, the page included “cartoon depictions of rape, murder, torture and child molestation; photographs of soldiers with guns in their mouths; a photograph of a bound and blindfolded detainee captioned ‘My Sweet Little Habib’; accounts of illicit drug use; and a blog entry headlined by a series of obscenities and racial epithets.” He’s an artist! Aw! One drawing was of a man in a top hat laughing as he raped a woman in front of her family. Another was of a little boy being mouthraped by a soldier.

And he can write! Here’s one of his (supposed, maybe not real, possibly fake) blogs. “Yes . . . F—ING Yes!!! I LOVE MY JOB, it takes everything reckless and deviant and heathenistic and just overall bad about me and hyper focuses these traits into my job of running around this horrid place doing nasty things to people that deserve it . . . and some that don’t.” He goes on to say “Godless crazy people like me have become a generation of apathetic killers.”

If you just can’t wrap your head around any of this information, ARMY Spokesman Robert Tallman has an easier to swallow answer for you. The terrorists went onto MySpace, researched Derek, made a fake page with his name and pics, friend requested other soldiers and commented on their pages…all to hurt Dr. Laura’s image. Which would hurt America. Which would help the terrorists. Wow. Good answer, Tallman. Who killed Nicole?

In an interview in Salt Lake last week, Dr. Laura bragged to a reporter that she had “raised a warrior”. Nice work. The good part of all of this is, with the country being as pissed off as it is about Iraq already, Dr. Laura might have just helped us stop the war she’s been shoving down our throats the past four years by producing the poster child of what we have let ourselves become.