Recap: American Idol: Rock-y Road

In honor of Rock Night, I have a bottle of tequila, lines of crushed up TrimSpa, and a Sharpie tattoo shaped like a heart with a knife in it on my upper thigh. Over doing it a little? Maybe, but the sugar and holy glow from last week pushed me over the edge, and Rock Night gives me an excuse to sin again. I throw a couple back and warm up with a little Guitar Hero until the downstairs neighbor hits her ceiling with a broom. Any normal day I would have yelled “sorry!”, but tonight I’m not taking it. I go into the kitchen and bring back pots and pans to drop on the floor. I hear her baby screaming. My job is done here. This ain’t a nursery, breeder biatch. This! Is American Idol!

Tink starts off the show by thanking us. The telethon raised seventy million bucks for the needy all over the world. Yay, America! Thank God that’s over. There was a smile on my face all day today. I drank at noon, prank called my Meemaw, and threw my cigarette into a water fountain. Ah, it’s good to be back.

As if they are publicly acknowledging a return to the abuse and psychological violence that is AI, the producers cut to Antonella Barba and then to Glocksen clapping in the audience. They both look much less stressed out now that they’re not in the public eye so much with everyone making fun of them. Wait a second. Glocksen’s covered her real eyebrow and painted on a new one that goes way high, like Speed Racer. She looks like a drag queen I once knew named Mindy. Aw. I loved her.

Tink is also noticeably more relaxed tonight. He’s ditched the bloody tie and hit up a tanning bed. Woah. So has Simon. Is something going on?

Anyway, everyone’s taken the sticks out of their asses and now we can relax. Church is over, bitches. Tink shows us clips of Bon Jovi and I scream like a school girl. Then I rewind and cackle away. The 80′s have tried to come back in the past few years, but we can never fully commit to it’s resurgence, and Bon Jovi is one of the reasons why.

Jon Bon Jovi is the guest mentor tonight, and he’s brought along David Bryan, the keyboardist from Bon Jovi. Jon Bon looks better with age and has that easy going vibe that made him a stah. His hair looks good and way too full. Is that a wig? I want one! David sits at the piano with his head down. He looks like the Muppet that was always too wasted to come on screen. Jon Bon tells the kids that they need to take his songs and make them their own. Powder looks confused and Jordin throws her head back and does her Julia Roberts laugh. Stop posing and listen to Jon Bon, Spanx!

Powder’s up first with “Blaze of Glory” from Young Guns. Jon Bon is impressed with him, and can tell he’s sung the song before. Powder says he was that kid who stood in front of the mirror and sang this song into a comb.

Powder seems like a nice person and I want to like him, but he just won’t let me. He couldn’t find a Bon Jovi country song so he picked something from a cowboy movie and wore an embroidered hick jacket. Oy. His voice sounds great. Bon Jovi said he knocked it out of the park vocally, and he was right. If you close your eyes, this performance was really good, but as I watch him run around the stage and the audience, fist bump Randy, and spew the old “point and wink” all over the crowd, I feel acid in my stomach. Get that finger out of my face before I snap it off, Powder!

Randy says he loved it because of course, he recorded the original version with Bon Jovi. He calls it Powder’s best performance other than Country Night. Paula says it’s the best opening they’ve had all season that she can remember. Simon says it was just ok and that he seemed like a bad actor playing a role. If this was an audition for a rock star Powder would have failed, and Simon doesn’t think he’s done enough to stay for another week. Thank God. The bitch is back.

Powder, sweating profusely, says he still loves Simon and appreciates the Judges because they’re not the ones keeping him there, the voters are. Damn free elections. It’s all this lady’s fault.

He got plenty of point and wink in tonight, and before he leaves the stage, Powder thumbs up, love signs, whispers I love you to the cameras and seals it with the Powder Pander.

Tink gives a shout out to Glocksen and says “it’s rock week! Must be killing you!” and she fake cries, which is the perfect intro to Jordin. She tells Jon Bon that her mother grew up on his music and she’ll be so excited to see this episode. Ouch. He smiles good naturedly, so I throw a flip flop at the TV and curse her out from my bed for him. She has chosen to sing “Livin’ on a Prayer”, which is a tough one because you gotta belt in a wide range. Jon Bon doesn’t seem too confident, and he helps her change the melody so she can reach all the notes. He points out that she’s “just 17 years old!” We know, Jon Bon. We know.

I’m surprised that she didn’t kill this one. She looked great, and I felt bad for her for having to stand in between two tiny guitarists. Way to make a girl feel petite, Nigel. She shook her head and did the AI Bounce through the song, and she was off key and out of breath the whole time. The high notes were too high, and the low notes, which sounded worse modified, were too low. If she was uncomfortable with the song and couldn’t sing it as written, why would she choose it?

Randy said he could tell she wasn’t comfortable with the song and she cops to being out of her element. “I recognize!” She smiles big anyways and waves to the crowd as if she’s not being ragged on at all. Paula says it’s hard being in the workshop process and then being with a hot guy band. Huh? Keep it in your pants, Abdul. Again, Jordin smiles and waves. Paula tells her that even though it wasn’t her best work, Jordin’s still hot and “out” (of) “there”. Simon says that she’s dressed like someone from the “Adam’s Family” and she sounded shrieky, uncontrolled and horrible. She smiles and says thank you and waves to the audience cutely. Tink says “thank you, Herman Munster!” Good one, fairy. He tells Jordin that different weeks are tough for different people and she raises her hand and says “This was my week for it to be tough!” Ugh. Time to go, Spanx.

LaKisha refuses to sit on the space stool next to Tink because she wants to show her slim side. LOL. The huge horizonal stripe totally helps. Get your eyes on her face, Tink! There is something different about LaKisha tonight. She has a vivaciousness and spunky personality we haven’t seen much of before now. I hope it carries on into her song. She tells us that she’s heard of Jon Bon and seen him on Oprah, but she’d never listened to his music. Oh, man. I am loving her tonight. Jon Bon loves her too, and says her version of “This Ain’t a Love Song” should keep her safe another week.

Holy crap. She started standing still at the mic and emoted that song. FINALLY. She made it hers. Half way through, she ditched the mic stand and stomped down center stage, belting to the rafters. Just when I thought I couldn’t love her any more, she stopped and gave a fierce look to the audience. Nailed it!

Randy says she started off pitchy but towards the middle grabbed it and made him believe it. He shouts “LaKisha’s back tonight, America!” Paula says her lower notes are the money in her pocket (and those pants are so tight we can see Washington’s face), and Simon says he could kiss her after that performance. Tink leads her down to make him pay. He kisses her and says she was great. And nice lips. Don’t kill the magic, Cowell.

Blake is singing “You Give Love a Bad Name” and he has special plans for it, which can only mean he’s gonna beat box and stop pretending he’s there because of his voice. As he practices with Jon Bon and the Muppet, he claps loud and sings low, like he’s trying to teach them how hipandcoolhipandcoolhipandcool his rendition is. Well, it’s faster. Jon Bon is non committal, saying he better sell it, because he’s changing a song that people know and don’t want messed with.

He comes out with Clay Aiken’s hair from last season’s finale and makes a sound like a scratchy record being played. He’s changed the first half of the song to sound like a r-r-r-remix. A bad one. When he beat boxes a simple drum beat and the drummer mirrors it, you can see how basic his skill really is. A scratchy record sound, a r-r–r-r-remix, and a boom boom chick? Seriously? If you can’t sing that great but you can beat box like a champ, go for it. When you’re mediocre at both, get off my tv. This girl’s boobies loved it, though.

Randy gives Blake the award for most original performance ever, and Paula agrees. I think that’s what standing, wooing, and jiggling means. She says an artist like the band Bon Jovi…they’ve endured monumental success and there was a twinkle in Jon Bon’s eye when he heard Blake sing. Please. He had a twinkle when Jordin called him a prune. It’s called old guy teary eyes.

Paula says Simon’s mom was even rockin’ to it. Cut to Simon’s mom standing topless behind a sign.

Simon says half the audience will love it and half will hate it, but it was a brave move and will keep him in the competition. Ew. Please no. Simon loved it. You know what that means.

Back from commercial, Tink sits with Chris and says “here we are with Justin Timberlake”. Ouch. I just heard the real JT slam a beer mug into his plasma and scream the gay f word from the Hills. Timby Cake doesn’t seem too pleased either. Tink asks him a viewer question, and even though they are given the questions in advance, Timby stutters and trips over his answer. Tink hurt his feelings. Awww! Come to Papa.

He’s singing “Dead or Alive” . Chris Daughtry sang it last year, but he defends his choice. Someone has to sing that song on Bon Jovi night, and he’ll take the rap for it. He forgets his words in front of Jon Bon and asks for performance advice. Jon Bon says he needs to find the “blue note” and make it more sad than triumphant. With his spirit already crushed by the fairy, I don’t think the triumphant is gonna be an issue tonight.

He starts strong. He has less nose than usual and more screaming. But a third of the way through, his voice can’t hold up any more and he starts getting horse and missing notes left and right. Not very good, but I only needed one this one shot to pre dial his number into the Sidekick.

My nine hundred votes aside, I can’t help but be very worried. Paula stands up, but halfway through the song she stops moving like she realized she got up too soon but feels awkward about sitting back down. LOL, Paula. He ends the repeating “dead or alive” about fifty times, every phrase weaker than the last. Dead or alive! (cough). My guess is

Randy was worried about rock night since none of the kids are rockers, but he thinks Timby pulled it off and he liked the R&B twist. Paula says it’s been a great night all around and Simon says that he did everything he could with a song that was completely out of his comfort range, but doesn’t know if it will be good enough to keep him til’ next week.

Doolittle tells Jon Bon that she has never sung rock but is trying to learn. He doesn’t buy it. She’s got the soul and the pipes and wants her to pretend she’s wailing like she’s in church. She’s singing “Have a Nice Day” , which I’ve never heard, but I’m pretty confident that it’s gonna suck the second she describes it as “one of the newer Bon Jovi songs”. Yikes. They have newer songs? Doolittle has a knack for choosing the lamest, most unplayed tunes of any given night, and tonight is no exception. She tries to give the camera the rock on hand signal, but she doesn’t know how. Just like the rest of the country, she’s tuned out by the time Powder flashes it over and over again at the camera after he sings.

To compensate for not having a rock voice, she’s come up with a cartoon growl thing that sounds ridiculous. She misses more notes than I’ve heard her miss so far, but she does a good job movement wise. I thought she would rise to the occasion and knock it out, but the whole thing was uncomfortable and snoozy. She’s the most talented by far but, I know I sound like a broken r-r-r-ecord, she still hasn’t pulled a PooaLittle. Randy says it wasn’t her best, but still excellent. He thinks she sounded like a young Tina Turner. Paula says she’s a rock star, and Simon agrees with Randy re: Tina Turner and says that vocally, the performance was in a different league than anyone there. I like Doolittle, so I’m glad they gave her props even though the sleep boogars that formed in the past three minutes are sealing my eyes shut. Cut to the audience. Aw. Poor Doolittle, even her fan signs are boring.

As a thank you to America, Tink introduces a clip of President and Laura Bush. Gee, thanks Nigel. I press pause, beat my head on the floor and do a line of TrimSpa. Play. They thank us for saving kids in America and Africa. They would like to also thank the celebrities who participated, “such as Bono”. Ew. When Georgie asks Laura if he should sing something, she says “I don’t know, darling. They’ve already seen you dance.” For what, six years now? In the movie American Dreamz, Dennis Quaid plays an idiot President who goes on American Idol to improve his crappy numbers in the polls. It was funny because it was such an obvious, transparent ass kiss of a ploy to win the hearts of a public he had completely lost touch with. It’s way less funny when it’s real.

My heart is beating wildly and I’m not sure if it’s because of the President or the diet pills. If you don’t hear from me by the weekend you know I had a heart attack or choked on my own vomit. And that’s rock and roll.

Who do you guys think is out? My guess is Timby and Blake, but I won’t be surprised by a Jordin ouster. Til next time, scream, rebel, and do a line of coke off someone’s ass. Rock on.