FlipitTypes TV – Recaps, Gossip, and Trash Talk

The show opens with the Top Three looking themselves in the mirror long and hard. They’ve beat hos, cake boys, faux rock and pony hawk to get here, but do they have what it takes to be the next Taylor Hicks?

You decide. This is democracy in action. And THIS. Is American Idol!

Tonight, the Judges will pick a song, the Producers will pick one, and the Contestants will pick one. What, is Clive Davis busy? I WANT CLIVE!

Tink shows us clips of Jordin at a pep rally in her home town of Glendale, Arizona. The Mayor’s even there! And she’s got something very important. A fax!! But not just any fax! A fax from SIMON. COWELL!!!!! Jordin bites on her thumb like she just can’t believe it. A fax!

When the mayor reads that Simon has chosen “Wishing On a Star” by Rose Royce, Jordin acts like she’s seeing her new room transformation on Trading Spaces.

She comes onstage looking beautiful, stands still, and sangs that song. Most of it is in her higher register and she doesn’t screech! Just when it starts to get old she changes it up and belts it out. She gives it some rhythm and blues, which is kinda cool at first but gets kinda lame after awhile. No matter, she nails it. Nice, Spanx.

Randy says he’s lookin’ to see who’s in it to win it and shakes his hands in different signs at her. He even says he liked the “Beyonce in it” without meaning it as a slam. That may be the first time that’s ever happened on this show. Paula revels at Jordin’s standing ovation like she’s never seen one. “Simon picked a good song for you!” She knocks on the table and unenthusiastically says “Good for you.” OK. Paula’s not havin’ the Spanx. Simon didn’t like that she jazzed the song up and even though he chose it, he can’t say it’s one of her better performances. He gets booed, but you know he’s just saying that because it’s the first song and he doesn’t want to look biased. He chose her as his next gravy train weeks ago. He’ll be lying on the floor blowing smoke directly up her ass by the end of the show.

Tink makes fun of Simon for not liking his own song choice. Shut it, fairy. He asks Jordin how she felt about Simon’s pick. She says she had never heard it so she was like (whiny) “okaaaay…” Really? You’d never heard it?

…”but it’s a great song, so thank you. Thank you.” Simon, grossed out, bites his tongue and snips “Pleasure.” Woops. She pissed him off. Scratch the smoke blowing. He’s over her. Oh, Spanx. You followed up a great performance with that pesky little thing called your annoying ass personality. Booooo.

She goes from victim to cute mugging little princess in a snap and I wonder if that was really a glimpse of bitchiness I saw or…Nah! She’s so cute and giggly!

Back from break, Tink says already tonight we’ve seen signs of Simon’s insecurity. Huh? Get a muzzle for the fairy. He shows us clips of Blake at home with Mayor Lamb and I get my hopes up because I think of Sheriff Lamb from Veronica Mars. Turns out Mayor Lamb’s just a shlubby cracker. Ah, well.

Lamb reads Paula’s fax, and he’s way less impressed than Jordin’s mayor. Paula’s chosen “Roxanne” for Blake. No wonder the Mayor’s bored. Before he goes onstage, Blake shows us why he deserves a chance.

Paula has never excelled at choosing songs, and she didn’t mess with her losing formula tonight. She couldn’t have picked worse for Blake’s voice. “Roxanne” repeats over and over and Blake’s not known for his colorful. varying vocal stylings. He starts off strong and on key, but by the middle he’s straining on the seemingly endless repeats of “Rooooxanne!” Boring and painful. He sticks to the original, and I blame the Judges. They told him not to beat box on every song and he’s rebelling by painting by the numbers. He slides onto his knees at the end. Ugh. My wish (believe it or not) is that he’s got an arsenal of wiggy on the way, because I can’t stand to hear him sing any more. When he gets up he snaps the mic stand. That’s rock n’ roll!

Randy says it was a great, great, great performance and he liked the hand on the mic stand thing. He gives it an A. Paula says he did her proud and wants him to do her again. Simon says that when you sing that song you’re forced into doing an impression of Sting and Sting is better. It was a good performance, but not great. He gets booed and turns to the audience. “Oh come on! You can’t say that was fantastic!” They cheer. Oh, audience. Tink says they’re the best audience of the season and Simon shakes his head “no.” Ha.

No Mayor for Melinda. When she gets home, her letter is read by the Governor of Tennessee. Doolittle doesn’t fish in the small pond. The Governor reads Randy’s fax in a snooty Governor’s voice, and it’s awesome to hear him say “I picked out a hot one”. When he finishes, he says “From Randy Johnson.” LOL, Gov!

Randy has chosen Whitney’s “I Believe in You and Me” for Melinda, which is awesome. He’s throwing her right up against one of the biggest divas of the past few decades. I hope this is the one that makes me poo a little. Have to say, I’m surprised she didn’t kick ass on this. The arrangement was way too low and Whitney’s quick riffs made Doolittle’s heavy vibrato sound like a shaky old lady trying to prove she’s with the times. She’s dressed “younger” tonight, which only makes her look like a guest star on The Flinstones, poor thing.

Randy chose this song because he wanted to throw her something a little more difficult. If she could tackle Whitney, she should win the grand prize. And she did it. That was out the box! Paula calls the performance fantastic, amazing, and one of the best this season. Simon says it was her best work in the past four weeks and round one goes to her. Wow. I am WAAAAYYYY off with these guys so far. You know what that means. I’m doing too much typing and too little drinkin’. Break time.

Life is good. When I press play, Tink imitates Randy’s blubbering. He’s outta control. Simon asks him if he’s drunk. LOL, Simon. We’re back on track. That shot worked fast.

Tink asks Jordin what her favorite song is of all time. She says “Mmm Bop” by Hansen. I am SO sure. The audience laughs and she shrugs cutely. The Judges forgot to remind us of her age and she’s not gonna let it slide. “What? I’m seventeen!” WE KNOW. Giggle smirk pose shrug.

Tink says he has the CD in the car and tries to act like he’s joking. The Producers have chosen “She Works Hard For the Money” for Jordin. Clive would have never chosen this. Stay out of song selection, Nigel!

She does what she can with it. The arrangement is big and cheesy, and she grinds sexily around the stage. YAWN. Randy says it doesn’t matter what song she sings, she’s workin’ it out up there. That was hot. Paula digs deep. “Jordin, you worked hard for your money tonight!” Simon drolly says “That was hilarious.” LOL x 2, Cowell. He says it was great but can’t stop laughing at Paula. He says she ended well, and Randy asks for some black coffee at the Judges table. Don’t ruin it, Randy! Jordin forces out laughs and preens like there are fifty photographers around her and she wants to give each of them their own unique cutesy pose. This girl is on my last nerve.

Tink asks Blake a viewer question while he swivels around on his space stool and tries to act rico suave. Who would play you in the movie based on your life? Blake says Jim Carrey. Tink laughs “because you’re tall” and Blake responds “no, cuz I’m a gimmicky hack.” Note taken.

Nigel’s chosen “This Love” by Maroon Five. Blake comes out dressed like he’s in Bow Wow’s Gap Ad and sticks to the original arrangement. He wiggys and makes record sounds in the middle, but otherwise it’s awkward slo-mo MJ moves and droning, nasally caca vocals. Randy says he should stick to that style when he decides to make an album, Paula thinks it’s been a good night for him, and Simon says it was better than the first.

Tink asks Doolittle who her hero is and she says “my mommy.” AW. Nigel has chosen “Nutbush City Limits” by Ike and Tina Turner. Huh? Where’d that come from? This choice is random and boring enough that you’d think Melinda chose it herself. She has de-Flinstoned for this song and looks much more like a woman. Go, Doolittle! She grinds and squats and swings the mic stand around, doing everything she can to get the spark the Judges have been telling her she’s missing. Weird. She’s so good and so BORING. I wish she actually felt the grinding rage she’s belting.

Randy loved it and thinks she should sing that kind of song on her album. Sure, he just said the same thing to Blake, but he’s not calling her dawg or saying she worked it out, so who cares? Paula asks if she had fun, which can be a back hand slap from Paula, but she says they love her, they love her and they love her. Simon rolls his eyes. “That’s why we hired you for this show, Paula.” LOL x 3, Cowell. Kiss. He loves that side of Doolittle and calls her performance brilliant again. Her target audience will love it.

We’re two thirds of the way through the night. Tell the truth. Have any of you actually felt excited once? Shot. Phone call. Pee.

Tink asks who took this round. Randy says Doolittle, but Simon calls it a tie. He doesn’t say who she tied with. Back from commercial. Paula is pretending to make out with Cowell. Thanks for at least two more days on my diet, Abdul.

Tink tells Simon “Hey! That’s not LaKisha!” Good one, little man. He shows us a clip of Jordin acting shocked to see that the mall she used to work at gave her a tiled star at the bottom of the escalator. She says “Now people can walk all over me!” I smile and vow to make it to the Arrowhead Mall one day soon. Jordin has chosen “I Who Have Nothing”, which she knocked out of the park the first time she did it, but we have to sit through it again? I thought they would be picking songs they haven’t sung before. Please don’t tell me I have to sit through Blake’s Jon Bon Massacre again! PLEASE!

Spanx has a lot more telenovela emoting this time around, but she makes up for it by singing it even better than she did the first time. She puts her hand up to the camera and I press pause to put my hand up to hers. Hers is bigger, and that’s saying something. The kids in junior high called me Ham Hand.

She shakes it out, and Randy asks “Do you feel good after all adat?” She answers “I’m like Wooo!” Spanx has floored herself with her talent. Paula says “It’s…it set…it sat well in your voice and how it…how it…belt…and just…you sounded really great.”

Simon said her vocal was great, but he has a problem with a 17 year old singing a 60 year old song. Since when? Oooh, you pissed off Simon, Spanx. She tries to argue, but boos and music cuts her off. Tink says “You like singing that song, don’t you?” and she answers “Yes. Yes I do.” Nannynannybooboo. This girl’s attitude has officially pissed me off. I’m kinda rooting for Bbbbblake to take her out. She preens for the cameras while Tink reads off her numbers, but she can’t just keep her mouth shut. When he finishes, she asks “He’s pullin’ me back. Wasn’t Rose Royce in the 70′s?” Yes, but that song wasn’t by Rose Royce, dumbass, and the song is from the early 60′s. So you’re right. It’s only 40 something years old. SHUT UP. Simon and Paula visibly hate on her and I laugh my ass off.

Tink says not to worry about it. The audience loved it and they’re the ones who’re voting. Please, America, send this brat home. The fairy shows us clips of Blake at home Beat Boxing to “Big Butts” with Sir Mix a Lot. How fitting.

Blake has chosen “When I Get You Alone” by Robin Thicke, which should be fun. Remember Robin? He made Tink look like a steroid popping testosterone machine. YAY! Ok, maybe not. But it’s not Jon Bon! The song’s pretty lame. He does the bouncy bounce and sings out of breath and off key til his wiggy record scratch at the end. Ouch. We both put our heads down and throw our hand in the air at the same time.

Randy thought it was ok and Paula says he had three great songs tonight. Simon liked it a lot. He gives Blake credit for not playing it safe, for taking risks, and for having the guts to wear twenty mismatched patterns at one time. Tink says “Someone’s got a musical crush out here!” Simon looks defeated and disgusted.

Tink shows us a clip of Melinda back home. The Governor has given her her own street! Melinda Doolittle Way. It may not be the most exciting route, but it gets you where you need to go. She’s chosen “I’m a Woman” again, and this time she decides to make it sexier by holding a suit jacket and then dropping it. As if sensing that wouldn’t be enough, she puts the back up singers in black tight leather and features them onstage. She’s not the only back up singer who’s getting her moment in the sun tonight! It’s hard to hate on a girl who seems like such a genuinely good person, but Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Randy says she has proven her range and could sing the phone book. It was another knockout performance. Paula says she’s happy to see Melinda step into the spotlight and celebrate her whole journey. Umkay. Simon loved the strip tease and says if he was to deliver an award for the most consistent week after week, it would go to her.

Tink asks the Judges who they think will be in the finale. Randy says the two girls if it’s based on singing (based on singing? That’s crazy talk!), Paula says they’re all great, and Simon just wants to see Melinda there. Ouch.

Credits roll and I check my pulse to make sure I’m still here. Nine songs, and not one tingle. Booooooo!! What do you think? My guess is that I can’t be the only one annoyed with Jordin’s fake giggly diva bitch attitude and she’ll be out, even though she sings circles around Blake. Stamp out Sparks!