Recap: Amerian Idol Results: Buh-Bye-Uh!

Tink flies around the kids and asks us if we think our favorite will be safe. Then he stands next to a confused (“we’ve done this before…”) Sanjy and dead pans the audience. Rude! What the hell happened to you, glitter boy? Last night you were the Norma Rae for the tuneless innocents and tonight you’re gonna be a little bitch? Those poor kids in Africa ain’t gettin’ nothin’ from me, and it’s your fault, fairy!

Last night’s veil of sad horns has been lifted and there’s a sense of playfulness again. Country Night stirred up charges of blatant pandering by a teary eyed Timby Cake, criminal insensitivity from Cowell, and insufferable sobriety from Paula. The problem was ever mentioning the awful tragedy on the show in the first place. After all, this isn’t reality! This! Is American Idol!

Simon starts off the show with a beautiful, skillful tap dance. Wow! That man can fi-lap! He says that he was rolling his eyes to Paula about Timby Cake claiming singing through your nose was a legitimate art form, not about his heart wrenching, completely genuine shout out to the victims and families in the Virginia Tech Massacre. Tink pulls out footage showing that Simon was in fact making fun of Timby Cake’s Nasal Art Defense, and not even paying attention to what was going on onstage. The fairy suggests he do more listening and less gabbing. Oooh, good one, Tink. All is forgiven. The audience cheers and Cowell smiles. He’s not the nicest person in the world, but he’s not that evil! Then he bleeds from his eyes and gnaws on a baby foot.

Tink goes to Grauman’s Chinese Theater to ask “real people” who their favorites are, and wouldn’t ya know it, it’s BJ from the Amazing Race AGAIN. BJ, seriously. I hid a clue somewhere in Pakistan for ya. Go. Tonight’s group number is “I’m Alright” and since Nigel couldn’t find a choreographer who knew anything about Country dancing (Country music is even too white for a pasty ass Englishman), the kids just walk in circles, pose, and take turns sitting in the space stools. They all sound decent, but if Powder doesn’t stop pointing and winking to the audience, I’m starting a letter writing campaign.

Yay! Idol Challenge! A middle aged woman has won again this week, which leads me to believe all is back to being right in the world. Tonight’s question is, which contestant is able to put their entire fist in their mouth?

I saw Tootie in The Vagina Monologues a couple years ago, so I’m going with her even though Glocksen has the biggest mouth and looks way hungrier. You’re not tricking me this week, Idol Challenge!

Fergie comes out to perform looking like a pregnant teenager in a huge Livestrong Bracelet. She stomps across the stage in her high platforms and growls out her big girls don’t cry song along with about ten recorded guide vocals and holds hands with a an appropriately placed little girl for maximum effect. Aw. Nice work, Ferg. Now go away.

Today’s Ford Commercial is a heist escape to “I Ran”. LaKisha is under the cover of ginormous sunglasses. I almost didn’t recognize her! Who are we kidding, people?

Jordin and Timby steal her silver briefcase with a hook and a rope and get it to the fire escape, but when Blake spooges all over Timby’s face, they drop the case and Blake runs with it til he trips on a wire and the case goes flying. Sanjy can catch! Wonder how many shots that took. In the case are keys to a Ford. Sanjy wins! And that’s the last time I will ever type those words.

Tink separates the kids into two groups. One will be safe. Sanjy’s put on one side of the stage and Powder on the other. Way to keep us guessing, Nigel! When Jordin is told to join Powder, the audience cheers. She can’t be in the bottom three. LaKisha is sent to stand next to Sanjy, which brings “oohs” and “ahhs” from the crowd. She’s screwed. Blake joins her and Timby Cake’s allowed to join Jordin and Powder. Doolittle is left in the middle with Tink. He tells her she’s safe, then tries to make her do the “choose which group is the bottom!” thing. Jordin seems pretty confident as she mouths “I’m sooo sorry!” to the other side of the stage. Ugh. At least pretend you don’t know that you’re safe. I am liking Spanx more and more with each performance, but she needs to get knocked down a peg or two. Doolittle refuses to join either group and sits down center stage instead, Taylor Hicks style. Atta girl. Tink lets her join Spanx, Powder and Timby Cake.

The fairy asks the Judges what they think. Randy is shocked that Blake’s up there. Beat boxing’s hipandcoolhipandcoolhipandcool. Paula isn’t surprised by “two of them”. Woah. The Judges have turned on KiKi. Maybe that will perk her up a little for next week. Why is Simon smiling? “I’m starting to sense something here!” I am too, and I’m skerd. Sanjy has the whole country behind him. Please leave LaKisha alone, America!! Don’t let Country Night become a tradition of kicking off big black women who can SANG! PLEASE! Sanjy makes a confident, silly shrug to the audience. Either he thinks he’s safe, or he’s trying to catch popcorn in his mouth.

Next, the kids make a visit to Dreamworks Animation to get a behind the scenes tour of Shrek 3. Nigel, stop trying to make Doolittle cry! She’s been called No-Neck Shrek all over the internet (NOT NICE) and now she’s forced into a split screen with Fiona. Next week they’re gonna force her to race a hare. Stay strong, Weezy! The boys lay down some Puss N’ Boots lines at the mic, doing their best cheesy Antonio Banderas impressions, and then they get a surprise! It’s Antonio in the flesh! And he sounds cheesier than all of them combined. I don’t understand a word he says, but it’s good to see him. Then another surprise! It’s BJ from the Amazing Race again! Where isn’t this guy?

Antonio has come to see the show! He’s with Melanie! Wow, those two have really made it last! Between her squeak and his Spanish accent, their kid must be confused as hell. Martina McHill comes out to perform. Her mic is turned so loud you can hear her brain ticking, but her voice is still thin as a rail. The music pumps it and eventually so does she. I wait for her vocal chords to pop out of her throat, but she makes it through ok. Darn. Where’s the drama? Her song is about how God is great but life still sucks a lot of the time. I hope we get into another war soon, because this song would be a perfect theme.

Blake’s allowed to sit down, and Sanjy’s out. !!! Ah, the system may not be perfect, but it works! Yay America! He grabs on to LaKisha so hard that he suffocates and kills her. Oh no wait, she’s back up. He cries, and I wanna cry too. I can’t take upset little girls! Whenever my two year old niece cries while I’m babysitting I just turn off the monitor and wait for the storm to pass, but there’s no escaping this one. He sings “Let’s Give Them Something to Talk About” and adds “other than hair” to the lyric. Aw, sweetie. If you had given us something to talk about other than hair, you might have had a chance.

Simon smiles. He gets to keep his job.