Trash Talk: Thursday, March 15, 2007

British people don’t know what fat kids look like, Hillary Clinton is a friend of friends of Dorothy, and Martha Stewart is one nasty bitch.

BRITS DON’T KNOW WHAT FAT KIDS LOOK LIKE

The British Government is launching a plan to help obliterate childhood obesity after their Medical Research Council produced a report that claims most parents don’t “recognize their children have a weight problem.”

To save the Brits some money, I have come up with a simple guide to help these parents face the truth, mostly based on my own fat-ass childhood.

Signs of that your child is obese:

1. Their favorite after-school activity is watching Facts of Life Reruns and Hollywood squares and generally not moving until they smell dinner.
2. They ask for a second helping of wafers during Communion.
3. Their jeans have chafing holes after one week of use.
4. You still can’t feel your legs up to eleven hours after they sit on your lap.
5. They blame the maid for all the missing Snickers Bars and Peanut Butter.
6. They cry during Weight Watchers commercials.
7. They cry during the Olympics.
8. There are Little Debbie Wrappers and empty ice cream cartons under their bed.
9. The only kids who want to hang out with them usually have at least one of the following qualities: horrible acne, lazy eye, peg leg, dyslexia, fear of abandonment, childhood hair loss, imaginary friends, or a hunchback.
10. They make snide, demeaning comments every time they see fat people in public.

I hope this helped, Brits! And always remember: the easiest way to know if your child is fat is to ask them.

HILLARY DOESN’T HATE ALL HOMOS, JUST GENERAL PACE

Hillary Clinton has come under fire this week for speaking out against the Army’s don’t ask/don’t tell policy. But don’t worry, guys. She was trying to say that General Pace’s earlier remarks condemning homosexuality were uncalled for and disrespectful, not that ass bandits shouldn’t have as much a right as anyone to get blown (up) in wartime. If she is suggesting gays should have full, unabashed rights to enlist, PLEASE don’t vote for her. We need to keep all the homos right here in America to fight for something that really matters to our people: The War on Skinny Jeans. Those jeans are unjust, and they must be stopped.

MARTHA STEWART’S ONE NASTY BITCH

Shirley Shepard, the sketch artist during Martha Stewart’s trial, came to sit in the studio audience of Martha this week, and she was a little surprised by the reaction she got from the decorating diva. “I know you! Stand up!” Sherry did, smiling. “She’s the bad artist who drew all of those awful pictures of me!” Awkward. Shepard’s daughter was unamused. “It was rude and embarrassing!” What did you expect? You’re at The Martha Show!

If you don’t love Martha Stewart, you’re not looking hard enough. A couple of weeks ago on her show, she interviewed a little boy who climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro. She started off by announcing that she, too, had climbed the mountain. Which way did he go up? He described his path and she said “Oh, you took the easy way.” Apparently, the little wuss wasn’t willing to take the steeper, more dangerous path. The kid got nervous. She asked him if he had any pictures but proceeded to show her own pics of her on top of the mountain instead of his. The kid almost started crying. He was scared shitless. That, my friends, is good television.