Recap: American Idol Results: When In Doubt, Jiggle Like You Mean It

Well, ladies and gents, the first huge star of the season has been born. Since Tuesday night, the sobbing little girl in the AI audience has made headlines all over the world, appeared on the nightly news and The Today Show, and shot a four part TV movie about her life for FOX. Wow, fame works fast. Can firing her mother and slipping into a heroin addiction be too far behind?

Good for you, Betsy Wetsy! And please, America, let’s not just eat this girl up, wreck her life and spit her back out again like we have so many other brilliant artists. Exploiting children is wrong!* This PSA has been brought to you by the Association of Chunky People In Bed With Candy Bars and Vodka Against Child Exploitation.

* We’ll have our crying little Betsy Wetsygasm shirts up for sale by Monday.**
** Proceeds will not go to starving children.

And now, without further bs from me, THIS. Is American Idol!

First of all, I have to thank Darth Wader, who pointed out “that Mexican dude in the audience checking out Chris Sligh’s backside” as he walked through the audience Tuesday night. I caught it in the remember last night clips and had to pause it, I was laughing so hard. Who says chunky isn’t sexy? Also, for those of you who got pissy about me not mentioning Ryan’s jerk off motion to the camera and Sligh giving someone named Dave a shout out, here it is in all it’s glory.

To kick off the night, we are treated to the Guest Mentor Number. Since LuLu sat out of Tuesday night’s show, I worry that she’s gonna let Herman go solo at performance time, too. She wouldn’t stop singing over everyone in her Mentor Session, so she better not be a diva and get an attitude like she has something better to do when someone actually asks her to pipe up. You know she’d just be sitting at home in front of her telly singing over Herman through his whole song. Come on, LuLu. Don’t front like you’re busy! Get your ass on stage!

When Herman entered (alone) from behind the sliding screens to show the kids how it’s done, my first thought was thank God he’s not wearing something see through like Miss Ross last week. When he started “There’s a Kind of Hush”, I said “Oh! That’s who he is!” My Dad used to play that song in the car all the time when he drove me to and from soccer (hell) practice. Herman looks like he hasn’t performed in awhile, but he puts on a big smile and goes for it. He does the bouncy bounce (is that move a requirement for the men on this show?), counts off measures with his fingers to stay on beat, and with big, wide eyes tries to imitate the voice he had back in the day. The throat squeeze thing worked well for him in his twenties, but it’s weird coming from the current Herman. He comes off like he’s trying to explain who Kermit the Frog is to a foreign child.

When Herman makes a bump and grind motion at the kids on the side, they react like Grandpa just pulled out the Macarena.

He may not be a Spring chicken anymore, but the man works the crowd with the confidence of a drunk trucker at a bowling alley’s karaoke night (don’t ask), and even though he pretty much blows, I can’t help but like the guy. That said, when he ended the number with “husssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”, I sang along. The lyric could only have been more pertinent if the song was called “There’s a Kind of Shut the Hell Up You’re Making Me Sad”. Wow. That made me want to enter the song writing competition.

AI knows how to pay tribute to a Mentor, and this week they pulled out all the stops, going with a “washed up” theme in a laundromat for their Ford Commercial. Holla, Herman! How sweet! Doolittle’s double did back handsprings on top of the washing machines and Sligh was played by a young John Goodman again, putting a nice long giggle cherry on top of the Ford Video Sundae. When it’s done, Brad Garrett is sitting on the side of the stage with the contestants. Way to kill a laugh, Brad. I know he’s jokin’ around to plug his horrible sitcom, but I truly wish this was for real and America had the opportunity to vote him off our TVs for good. Aw, daydreams.

Powder, Doolittle and Blake were the first ones to get good news. Powder screams into his mic like Feivil found his mama. Sligh, LaKisha and Jordin are the next to be welcomed into the top 10. KiKi looks beautiful tonight. What moisturizer do you use, girl? Lead the people! Powder is so excited for them that this time he screams into LaKisha’s mic and his own, and I want to kill him.

When Haley, Glockson and Sanjaya are asked to stand up I am truly shocked. You know you’re screwed if you’re in Sanjaya’s group. I figured Glockson at least had another couple of weeks….and they are NOT in the bottom three! Woah. Crying little girl, short shorts, and faux rock are through to the Top 10. I try to feel happy for them, but my stomach is turning because that just leaves Chris R and Stephanie. Damn you America! I am not a huge fan of either of these guys, but you spared Haley AND Sanjaya? I call BS! I hope whichever one of these two survives elimination will have the smarts to show up next week in a thong the colors of the Indian flag.

Just went to Wendy’s and I feel much better. Frosties are like a hug, aren’t they? Next up is the AI Challenge. The winner gets 10,000, a VIP pass to the Ford Commercial Shoot, and a seat in front of the British So You Think You Can Dance? judge. To meet eligibility requirements you must be under five feet tall. Can’t block the SYTYCD plug, people. This week’s question is “Which former AI contestant was just signed to star in The Color Purple on Broadway?” Man, I wish they could make this a little easier. Consider my brain teased, American Idol!

DeGarmo looks nothing like Whoopi Goldberg and there’s no way even Broadway could pull Alex Trebek off Jeopardy!, but how is Steph gonna do it in the Spring if she’s on AI? Does this mean she gets kicked off? I am a bit confused, but I spend thirty seven dollars voting for her anyways. I want that VIP spot at the Ford Commercial shoot. BAD.

Now for an Idol Gives Back Update. Tink is all about helping needy children this season, and in a few weeks, you will be too! For one night only, callers will be charged ten cents a vote and all proceeds will be donated to poor kids. Awwww!!! I hope AI keeps with the American tradition of raising money and misappropriating it so the needy get a sack of rice while the Simons get new cars. That’s when they can call themselves a true charity. I cringe at the picture of the starving child. Fine. I’ll vote a few times, but if he wears stilettos or panders to a sobbing toursist, I’m taking my phone off the hook for the night. I’ve had it with your tricks, American Idol!

LuLu!! Tink announces her and when the back screens don’t open I worry that she’ll just be sitting at home singing over someone else’s version of “To Sir, With Love” via satellite, but there she is! Now I know it might sound like I have been unfairly attacking seniors in my remarks about Herman and Miss Ross (I’m still trying to catch my breath after that performance. She is too), so I am pleased as punch to be able to say that LuLu ROCKED. IT. OUT. She was dressed in a hot little number and the gal’s kept a serious figure. That’s how to work stilettos, Haley! Every time it seems like she’s about to have a problem hitting a high note, LuLu throws back her head and knocks it out of the park. You know she’s lived it, and I feel her pain. This is a rock star, America! If Glockson doesn’t look like a total poser to you now, LuLu hasn’t done her job. I wish I’d been in that audience. I’d have blubbered harder than Betsy Wetsy and then maybe I’d be on a plane to New York to do The Today Show instead of waiting for the bus to take me to the TV Guide Channel. LOVE YOU LULU!!! Now, about those boobs! They were tied down so tight I thought silicone as gonna spill out of her mouth.

A Til’ Death commercial comes on, and before I have time to run out of the room, I see Brad Garrett open mouthing Joely Fisher. EW. I was about to eat a fresh, hot french fry dipped in Frosty, but never mind. Thanks for killing my halfie, American Idol.

It’s truth time, and… Stephanie’s out. I told you being called Beyonce was the kiss of death! Boooooooo!!!! Her exit montage is so cute. I feel for the girl. The editors inter-cut home video footage of her singing “God Bless the Child” with an audition clip of her singing the same song in a different key, which makes her last note sound way off pitch and kills the moment. What a hideous, mean way to send someone home. I take solace in knowing that she’ll be starring in The Color Purple this Spring.

What do you guys think? Did Steph deserve the axe? Is sluttier better? Will Betsy Wetsy be nominated for an Emmy?