Recap: American Idol Results: Love Your Hair, Hope it Wins!

A lot has happened on the planet since Tuesday’s episode. The pony hawk swept the nation, Cover Girl’s stock went up by 70%, and millions of little boys all over the world became men when their balls dropped at the sight of Gwen Stefani pumping it in extreme platforms during her video montage. And that was just in one day! Wow, this show works fast.

I was pretty sure when I got in bed with my bottle of Stoli and my girls I knew who was gonna get the boot tonight, but that didn’t make it less fun. You weren’t surprised when Saddam got hung in that barn, but you popped a bag of popcorn and gathered ’round CNN with the family to watch him dangle anyways. As it should be. This is America! And THIS. Is American Idol!

Tink starts off the night by flying onstage with a pony hawk. Oh, Tink! You’re a riot! The wig actually made him look manlier. Go figure. After force feeding us clips from Tuesday night (did anyone really need to hear Sligh massacre the Police again? Way to kick a guy while he’s down, Tink!), we are treated to this week’s Wild West Ford Commercial! Yaaaayyyy!!! My Ling Wings asked me about the Wild West. I told them it was a time of peeing outside, walking everywhere, and slavery. They cried, so I slapped them and sent them to 7-11 to buy me a Milky Way. Like slavery’s my fault.

In the video, Chris R was a bad guy and all these cowboys hunted him down and made him wash their cars. What kind of Wild West is this? They should have punched out his teeth, said cocksucker a lot and hung him by his fingernails in the town square. Don’t these producers watch Deadwood? All the kids looked cute in their little cowboy outfits, and it was awesome that even in the Wild West, Mustangs look totally gay.

Time to begin results! Blake and LaKisha are safe, and when Powder stands up, he’s smiling from ear to ear, getting ready to hear he’s safe. Sorry, buddy. His smile is instantly gone and I crack up. So does his inch of base. Doolittle and Chris R are safe, and so is Pony Hawk. I heard the groans and giggles around the country, but we can’t really be shocked. He’ll be around at least another few weeks. Wacky hair goes a long way with untalented people. Ask Carrot Top. Haley is the next to be called out in the bottom three. I hope you learned a lesson this week, Haley Ho. If you’re gonna give us crotch shots, trim!

Before we find out anything else, it’s time for the Idol Challenge! They cut to the winner from last week. You may ask yourself, who is paying multiple dollars for entries in this “contest”? Well, from what I can tell so far, lots and lots of middle aged women. Something fishy’s goin on here. I can’t put my finger on it just yet, but I suspect there’s a producer with a waddle fetish on the loose. Tonight’s question is, what contestant was dubbed the Velvet Teddy Bear? Oh, shoot. That’s a tough one.

I’m voting for JHud. She’s winning everything this year.

Gwen comes out in her white high ass pumps and sings “Sweet Escape”. I haven’t heard her sing live in awhile and I gotta hand it to my girl. She stayed on key! And I am sure it will please you to know that Gwen’s no hypocrite. She stuck to that melody like stink to a hobo. Even if you hate Gwenny, you have admit that the girl gives it her all. She bounces, pounces and gyrates, and she brings a whole circus with her. Maybe Sanjaya would be better with some choreography and an Asian parade surrounding him, but somehow I doubt it. I have two Asians, and all they do is make me look fatter. And get me candy. Thanks, Lings! During the performance, Sligh stands in the back doing a horrible job of pretending everything’s ok.

Sligh is called onstage to stand next to Haley and Phil, and Phil is allowed to sit back down. His powers save him again, but I am thankful to America for taking him down a notch. Tink asks the Judges who they think is out tonight, and the only person who gives a real answer is Simon. “Bye bye, Curly.” How rude. He’s right, of course, and Sligh’s girlfriend looks pissed. She married a fat talented loser. Great. That’s gonna buy a lot of diapers. I feel sad. Does this mean chubby’s not back? WHY GOD?

There is a minute left to the show, so “Every Little Thing You Do Is Magic” is cued up and Sligh begrudgingly wails. He only got through the first verse, but he is calmer (or more depressed) now and does a much better job. Too bad you didn’t pull this out last night dude, because Haley Ho was a beaver hair away from getting Glocksen’s crucifix boots shoved up her ass on the way back to the Prayer Network.

Another week gone, and we are down to nine. Aw. I saw Sligh at the Cheescake Factory a couple weeks ago and I gave him a “HOLLA!!!!” from my table. He nodded a “what’s up?” and smiled, and I thought thank God that kid doesn’t know who I am. He seems really nice. I hope I will run into him at the Cheesecake Factory again so I can hug him and tell him how sorry I am for teasing him. And I asked for chipotle mayo with my fries, doughboy. Chop chop!