Recap: American Idol Results: Bottom Boys

Recapping the American Idol results show for the first time was very interesting for me, because I usually fast forward through more than half of it. I like to think of myself as above sitting through the Florida dinner theater style production numbers and drawn out torture of innocent kids. Well, tonight I learned that I’ve been a fool. One thing I like to do when I watch TV is laugh, and this episode had me giggling so loud the downstairs neighbor pounded a broomstick on her ceiling and yelled “I have a baby!” I stomped on the floor and yelled back “Yeah! A LOUD one!” Stupid ho. Like it’s my fault her husband refuses to wear a condom.

After tonight’s display of fros, mos, and old ladies in their underwear, I think I might start watching ONLY the results show. And now, without further adieu, ladies and gentelmen, THIS. Is American Idol!

Tink starts off the show by pointing out that Simon is showing a little too much of his boobs (Simon has hair on his chest! I’d figured him for a waxer) and presenting a clip of last night’s “Come out of the closet, Ryan!” PSA. This clip has been all over the news shows for the past couple of days. Someone confessed to orchestrating the 9/11 attacks, but at water coolers across the country people are chattering about whether or not Tink is a homo, as if it had never crossed their minds til Wednesday night. The first time the Crest’s face flashed on my TV screen I pictured him on his back in a bathhouse, but what do I know about bath houses? Wait. How did we get here?

The boys start off the Diana Ross Tribute number shakily. Phil can’t seem to groove in rhythm, so he compensates by smiling real big and oozing white boy all over the stage. Chris Sligh is the only guy who nails it, even when he sings with Sanjaya and Brandon, who both forget their words. I know there are strict guidelines in the American Idol format, but we should get at least another week of kicking four people off. There’s way too much Amateur Hour for this stage of the game. They auditioned one billion people and we’re stuck with these grunts? The homeless guy in front of the Starbucks I go to is more entertaining than a few of these guys. No, seriously. His rendition of “Celebration” is both rousing and heart breaking. And it smells like old brie and sweaty socks.

Haley and Gina shakily try to prove themselves, but Doolittle knocks it out of the park. The audience goes crazy for her. Atta girl. LaKisha and Stephanie do well, even though it sounds like Stephanie’s having a mild asthma attack as she gulps for air three times in one line. Breathe, girl! Jordin Sparks kicks ass in the group song, and since I pissed off some Christian values wacko with my comments that Jordin needed to slut it up, I’d like to mention that Jordin did slut it up a bit tonight, but just the right amount. Pretty sleeveless short dress, with leggings to boot. She’s found a sexy/cute compromise. See, Christian values wacko? We can both be right! HEART.

The dancing is cheesy and atrocious, and as usual, the Elimination Night number is the funniest, most craptacular five minutes on TV. Even Michael Rapaport approves! Tonight’s Ford commercial is Modest Mouse’s “Float On”. I’ll let the pictures speak for themselves here except to note that the role of Chris Sligh is played by John Goodman.

LaKisha and Glockson are spared, but Brandon is called to the stage to stand in the Bottom Three. He makes at least five different cutsie “oh, well” faces at the audience. Calm down, dude. The votes are already counted. Jordin and Chris R are safe, and of course so is Doolittle. The audience goes nuts for her again and she does us the favor of not “gee wiz, me?”-ing us. Atta girl. So far, so good. Poor Phil’s not having a very good night. He danced like a retard, his stylist put him in a golf outfit, and to top it all off, he’s in the bottom three. Yes, he’s a freakish looking cracker. Yes, he bug eyes you and makes bucktooth faces. And yes, he’s got the personality of a glee club president, but at least he can sing! Come on, America! Chris, Stephanie and Blake are spared, which leaves Sunjaya and Haley. They are left to stew for a bit and we are treated to an Idol Challenge! Each week, the producers ask us a simple multiple choice question so we can text in our answers for ninety nine cents. I’m impressed that the Simons have found a way to make even more money off stupid poor people. The question is “Who did Simon predict would sell more albums than any other Idol?

I spent nine dollars voting for Phyllis. Cross your fingers for me! And now the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Miss Diana Ross! The back screens open and there she is, in all her glory. Her dress is transparent, so thank God she has that ginormous red boa thing to cover up with. She teeters in her pose and lets the audience’s confused applause wash over her. I wait for her to trip on her dress as she claps her hands and nasally screeches “Hey! Hey!” Good Lord, Diana. Couldn’t you just put together a nice video clip? She throws down the red chintz anaconda boa and gives “More Than Yesterday” her best effort. She can’t breathe after those long and dangerous four steps she took, but she doesn’t let it stop her from violently murdering her own song. I giggle myself into a near lung collapse as she cracks and wails off-key. I didn’t think anything would ever top the memory of my mother standing on a pool table singing “Like a Virgin” with a plastic microphone in one hand and a bottle of Grey Goose in the other at one of her drunken karaoke parties, but Miss Ross, you did it. When she’s done, America turns their TVs back up and Tink asks her who’s going home tonight. She answers “Me!” You’re certainly the most deserving.

In a shocking twist, Haley is spared and Sanjaya is called onstage to round out the bottom three. You’re slackin’, India. Phil is told he’s safe, but you wouldn’t know it from his face. He looks pretty pissed that he was there in the first place. The throngs of screaming girls make him feel a little better, and he salutes the audience to remind us that he loves his country! Ok, we get it. We’re sorry for kinda hating you anyway. Now sit. Down. Sanjaya is spared, which means Brandon’s out. Aw. Poor guy. He wasn’t great, but he seemed like a genuinely nice person and it’s sad to hear him talk about people finally believing that he’s more than just a backup singer. I pull out some tissues for his final performace and DELETE RECORDING? DAMNED FOX!!!!! They cut off the end to try and trick us all into watching the hacky, drecky Til Death. EW. NEVER, do you hear me? I’ll miss every final performance of every single episode! I refuse to put that idiot virus into my Tivo’s mind. I was in such a good mood and you RUINED IT, FOX! BASTARDS!

Back it up, Brandon

Since I didn’t see the song, I will assume that Brandon looked disappointed and gave it his very bland all. Please tell me he at least remembered the lyrics this time. What do you guys think? Did Brandon deserve to get sent home? Did we deserve the shot of Miss Ross in her undies? Did Brad Garrett deserve another show?