FlipitTypes TV - Recaps, Gossip, and Trash Talk

Today on The View! Barbara is a babblehead, Elizabeth is a moron, and The Secret is that you just wasted a bunch of money on a crappy self help book!

The girls welcome Barbara back from her trip to Venezuela where she interviewed Hugo Chavez. She is happy to come back to a peaceful house. The kids didn’t piss anyone off while she was away, at least no one who fought back publicly. Elizabeth, the little kiss ass, says they were afraid to misbehave when Barbara was with someone so powerful because she might have them taken care of. If only, Elizabeth. If only. Barbara said every morning at eleven, she lit a candle. LOL, Babz. “Just in case you hadn’t heard…” Yes, Barbara. We’ve heard. You interviewed Hugo Chavez. What an amazing accomplishment. She blathers on about it but decides to wait to show clips until the next segment. Goody. This is gonna be a day long event.

Rosie wipes the sleep boogars out of her eyes and shakes it off, moving on. Before we can get to something worth a damn, though, we need to hear about everyone’s weekend! Rosie almost went out of the house without washing her hair for four days and her baby daughter called her on it. Elizabeth took her kid sledding, and she describes how she insisted the sled have every possible safety feature ever invented. Her husband was disappointed she didn’t come back with something cooler. Now you know how your family feels, Tim!

Joy doesn’t want to talk about her weekend. She had a show and cancelled due to bad weather. What she will talk about, however, is the fabulous tweezers she got. This is a woman after my own heart. Elizabeth keeps trying to interject but Joy isn’t having it and tells her to shut up like five times. She says she loves plucking so much that she wanted a really sweet mirror to have the full on brow plucking experience, but the woman at the boutique wanted fifteen hundred dollars. Elizabeth is mortified. Who would pay that kind of money for a mirror? Rosie says “Elizabeth, when you’re our age…” and Elizabeth says “I won’t want a mirror!”

Ouch.

The ladies gloss over this and chatter on, but I hope they tie Elizabeth down and shave her head after the show. Before they get to break, Barbara reminds Rosie that she, and not Joy, planned the big Broadway Birthday Show later in the week. Then she starts rambling on about how she went to Venezuela. We know, Barbara! We heard you the first ten times!

After break, Rosie shepherds Babs into the land of babble by intro-ing the Chavez story. Barbara starts by reminding us who Hugo Chavez is. Someone had told her that he drinks five gallons of coffee a day and that he was crazy, but she assures us that he is anything but. He hates George Bush, not America, and as the leader of the fourth largest oil reserve in the world he has reduced oil prices for Katrina victims and…and…Joy cuts in to keep it moving. “Poor people!” Yeah. Them. Barbara stresses that she isn’t saying he doesn’t have some major faults, but there’s more to the man than we have given him credit for.

Barbara shows pics of her standing in the barrio with the poor kids. Gee, Babz, you might have taken the huge gold earrings off for at least the five seconds you took to get out of your car and have a picture taken. Next pic is of Babz with her bodyguards. She says that they are paid to do short term jobs and she thinks that’s a great idea. They’re called rent-a-cops, Barbara. See the film with Liza Minnelli and Burt Reynolds to learn more. You’ll be way less impressed. She explains that these rent-a-cops are military men who protect important people in Iraq and they are called Pilgrims. My bad. I was kind of disappointed that Barbara only brought two pictures. What? No throwing pennies in the hotel fountain or shopping downtown? This is The View, Babz! Leave the 20/20 intellect at the door. As if knowing she was treading in the deep end, she promises that she asked Hugo about his personal life and how hard it was to date when you’re a dictator. Atta girl! Clip time!

Hugo Chavez looks like a big gap-toothed Teddy Bear making a dating video. He likes his coffee, hardly ever sees his kids, and is a workaholic. Barbara asks him if he has a love life or if he’s married to the Revolution and a violin trio comes out and serenades him as he replies that he’s given up romance to help the poor, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t a man and doesn’t have blood pumping through his Corazon! Stop flirting with Babz, you little devil. And get the violin trio out of here! This is 20/20!

What’s the biggest misconception about him? He doesn’t understand why people think he doesn’t like the US and blames it on our media. They only show pictures of him with the bad guys. He was friends with Fidel and had an ok time in a meeting with Sadaam. So shoot him. He also took pictures with Bill Clinton and the Pope, but they never show those. How could people think he has designs on hurting us? He just wants to open his arms and extend his help, that’s all!

Rosie isn’t buyin’ it, but she keeps her mouth shut and let’s Elizabeth have a little time to act like a dumbass. “I’m surprised that he doesn’t like George Bush! He passed the Free Trade Agreement which brought billions of dollars into his economy!” I wish I was there so I could ask Elizabeth to expound upon the Free Trade Agreement. Thankfully, Babz moves on to trip gifts. “There wasn’t much to buy…” No shit, Barbara. She got them all jewelry Rosie compares to stuff she bought at flea markets in the 70’s. Then Barbara whips out the Hugo Chavez doll and I throw my pack of smokes at the TV. Grodie. Hugo wishes he looked like that. Hell, every man wishes he looked as handsome as that doll. The only thing Hugo has in common with this likeness is in the voice box region. When you press the doll’s back, it starts spouting off socialist propaganda and doesn’t stop. Rosie throws the mini-Hugo into the audience and translates his ranting. “I love The View, I am only here to support The View! Yo quiero The View”. That’s some funny shit.

Hot Topics time. Elizabeth is worried that with all the negativity on the internet and in the media surrounding our Country’s current turmoil, we are failing to teach our kids how to be true patriots. She combats this by teaching her daughter the Pledge of Allegiance along with her ABC’s. That Grace is one lucky girl. Joy calls bs, saying one of the signs of being a true American is the questioning of authority, and our young ‘uns seem to be doing that just fine. Nothing’s black and white, and these days being blindly patriotic is being unpatriotic in a way. Wow, Joy. Way to lay it out. Amen, sistuh. Elizabeth, never one to know when she’s been kicked down, continues with her written speech, saying part of being patriotic is being thankful for our freedom and our constitution, to which Joy states the obvious yet again in reply to the little brick wall. People are being patriotic right now by denouncing the current administration and calling for adherence to the Constitution, you nitwit. Barbara says that people may take issue with what is happening in the world today, but she doesn’t know anyone who’s not grateful to be an American.

Rosie points out that over the weekend there were protests all over the Country and they didn’t get reported by the papers, and Elizabeth says that she knows a soldier in Iraq and he says the Iraqis see us as heroes and no one’s reporting that. Joy read in the paper that a lot of soldiers aren’t even showing up for duty, and Elizabeth vows to “investigate” that, because that’s not what her friend told her. Please, please investigate!

She says that there needs to be more soldier stories in the news, and Rosie says there are plenty of soldier reports. Why just this morning in the Times she read a story about a soldier who came back with post traumatic stress syndrome and couldn’t find any help so he hung himself in the basement. Only Rosie O’Donnell could make me LOL at a horrible story like that. Ugh. Elizabeth brings out the worst in everyone.

Next topic is The Secret. For those of you haven’t heard, The Secret is revolutionizing our way of life! I paid five bucks to watch this video online a couple of weeks ago and laughed my ass off. The girls point out the cheesiness and greediness of it all. If you want it bad enough, you’ll get it! A little boy gets the new bike he’d been dreaming about! Some schlubby dude gets a new car by envisioning his hands on the steering wheel! Americans are idiots who will buy into anything that promises a richer, happier or thinner life. Big surprise. Rosie notes that there is no one who’s buying this book for spiritual gain, they just want to be richer. Duh. We don’t have time for spiritual enlightenment. We’re working too hard. Give me a few million and I’ll set aside more time to pray, ok Rosie?

Barbara reminds us that this is essentially the power of positive thinking, which has already been written about in hundreds of books, repackaged for a generation who knows what they want. Lots and lots of things. There are good things about the book, like positivity and gratefulness, but when the video got to the part where the woman with breast cancer thought away her illness, Barbara was completely turned off. Joy said if wanting something badly and getting it worked, George Clooney would be calling her right now. Rim shot. Love you, Joy. America’s been duped again. Before I go on I would like to take a moment to hold on to my grateful stone and thank the Universe for you, dear Readers. I close my eyes and breathe Marlboro smoke in deep. I am attracting millions of dollars for blogging Top Design and I can’t wait to take a ride around West Hollywood in my brand new flying BMW. Basically, The Secret is that life is much more fun when you allow yourself to slip into complete delusion-ville. I could have told you that. Until tomorrowish, enjoy the view!