FlipitTypes TV - Recaps, Gossip, and Trash Talk

9:58 I had to get out of bed today to work to avoid getting bedsores, so I came down to the coffee shop. I sat at an angle where people couldn’t look at my computer screen, because a grown man sitting in a coffee shop typing madly and watching The View on his computer screen just doesn’t look right. I plugged my earphones into the wrong hole and when I pressed play, housewives screamed and the announcer boomed “Today on The View!” I slapped the mute button, but the damage was done. I am getting dirty, disapproving “get a job” looks from everyone in here. Even the girls! Judge not lest you be judged, bitches!

After a smoke break, a Diet Coke, and a resolution to always check for the proper hole, I’m back. Sleeping pills! A hideous purse! Prisoner abuse! All in today’s episode of The View!

10:00 First topic, American Idol. Elizabeth is upset that Brandon got sent home when Sunjaya still runs free. She just doesn’t understand it! Ever heard of this tiny country called INDIA, Elizabeth? Joy says he looks like the spawn of Johnnie Mathis, which is so true, and so much less racist than the earlier comparison to a Jungle Book character. Way to take it out of the gutter and into the nursing home, Joy! Rosie says “he’s a handsome boy, he’s got lovely hair, and he’s totally tone deaf.” I am impressed that Rosie can hear tones at all. I saw her in Grease years ago on Broadway. She was like a fat deer in the headlights and me and the housewives had our hands over out ears every time she walked on stage. Babies cried during “There Are Worse Things I Could Do.” I’m not exaggerating. Next she’s gonna call someone fat. She shows a video of Sunjaya shitting all over Diana Ross and goes on about how much he sucks. Didn’t Rosie recently snipe at the AI Judges for being unfairly mean to the poor contestant kids? Rosie said something hypocritical. I’m shocked and appalled. I’m burning my boxes of Rosie Magazine as soon as I leave this coffee shop! Mmmmm. Bagels and cream cheese.

Jaque Reid, today’s Guest Co-Host, thinks they should change the voting process of the show so that America would vote for who they didn’t like instead of their faves. Oooh, I like that. Good one, Jaq! I’d actually vote if negativity and meanness was involved. Rosie says this whole American Idol thing is a fad and will only last a few years til people get sick of it. Uh, it’s in it’s sixth year and is the biggest TV show on EARTH. I think they’ll be fine, babe. She compares AI to Star Search. She means it in a good way, but if AI files a slander lawsuit she’s going down. Oh and FYI: next week for Rosie’s birthday episode, there will be performances by three Broadway shows, including The Color Purple. I will not be writing that day, because I will need the time to sway and cry to the heavens when Fantasia comes on. Feel it, ‘Tasia! OMG FANTASIA JUST CAME ON THE RADIO!!! It’s a sign! I don’t know of what, but I think ‘Tasia’s thinking of me, too!

10:05 Next topic is Lunesta and Ambien. Apparently there have been reports in the news about people falling asleep behind the wheel after taking the sleeping pills. Damn, people are stupid. If they had shot enough pills down with a shot of SoCo, they wouldn’t have even been able to walk to the car. If you’re gonna use pills, make it fun, America! Rosie says that people are taking the pills and waking up in the middle of the night and doing crazy things like binge eating and sleep-driving and not remembering it. I am an Ambien fan and I don’t think this has happened to me, but it would explain the whole waking up with mustard all over my face thing. It’s happened four times just this month.

10:08 Rosie talks about thunderstorms. I press mute and listen to the end of the Fantasia song on the radio. Love you, ‘T!

10:13 Rosie brings up Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, the big bad terrorist that just confessed to the World Trade Center attacks (2001 and 1993), the nightclub bombing in Bali, and practically every other crime committed in the last two years. I’m waiting for OJ to come on Entertainment Tonight to point fingers. Joy said the terrorist even took responsibility for Sunjaya’s voice. Rim shot. LOL Joy. Rosie notes that this confession was made behind closed doors in a private interrogation at Abu Graib, and hints that the administration finally tortured him into a false confession so save Bushie a little face. I think Bush could make Jesus Christ Vice President and he’d still be in the shitter. There are some things you just can’t save. Elizabeth treads lightly here, asking Rosie if she believed he did anything wrong at all, and Rosie says it’s too convenient that they torture a guy for four years in a secret CIA jail and suddenly they have the answer to everything. Nope! Nothing to do with Osama, the guy they haven’t caught! It’s all the guy we’ve had in custody since 2003! I agree with her that it’s fishy, and I am impressed with her balls. She must keep all her receipts and pay all of her taxes, because she doesn’t seem to be too worried about a surprise audit. Jaque says she doesn’t think the guy actually did anything and that he’s just flipping off the government with a false confession. Elizabeth disagrees (fuckin’ robot) and says she thinks he was probably responsible for most of what he claimed. She also says that the interrogation process is important to the war, and Rosie says “You believe in torture?” Well, she thinks that once they know that he did these things they should be free to torture him, which really gets Rosie. Elizabeth has prepared today, reminding Rosie that she said herself a few days ago that they should torture the guy who punched the old woman in the head for her purse. Good one, Elizabeth. Dumb bitch. I am in favor of putting Elizabeth in a secret room and torturing her, but that’s no surprise because I’m pro torture. What? I watch 24! It totally works! Joy tries to lighten the mood by suggesting the ugly terrorist get an Extreme Makeover, but Rosie and Jaque aren’t even about to let a Catskills joke slow them down.

When Jaque says the problem here is that terrorists aren’t allowed representation, Elizabeth says “Why don’t we just give them milk and cookies, a lawyer, let em’ watch American Idol…” to which Joy snaps “That would be torture!” Rim shot.

Rosie suggests Elizabeth watch the HBO documentary on Abu Graib by Rory Kennedy, who is going to be a guest on the show soon. Out of the 390 men there, only ten have been charged with a crime and the torturers have no set limits. Elizabeth says that there should be some limits, but it should be “hard” for the suspects, and they should be questioned until they confess to knowing something. The ladies all talk to Elizabeth like she’s a five year old and try to explain human rights and the Geneva Convention to her, but she won’t bend. When Joy says that this Administration has made the rest of the world hate us, Elizabeth responds that who cares? There are still people who would love to live in America! God this girl is such a stupid whore. When she runs out of Fox News talking-point answers, she simply starts a loop of “war is divisive! You’re either for it or against it!” like she’s talking about New Coke. Rosie and Jackie get pretty heated, and Elizabeth keeps poking, reiterating that she’s a fan of the Patriot Act. After Rosie shouts for awhile like she’s at one of her kid’s softball games (“Come on, Parker! Don’t be a pussy!”) she says “you’re wrong, Elizabeth. I still love you, but you’re wrong.” The audience laughs and applauds, because last week Rosie yelled at Elizabeth til she cried. Elizabeth grew from the experience, coming back with a confidence in her retarded views that makes her look even more ignorant and delusional. She says that she doesn’t care what people think of America and she doesn’t care if people like her. You’re so strong, E! Ugh. This show is going to give me a nervous breakdown.

10:26 Regis came out of his bypass surgery ok. Yay Reg!

10:27 The Senate is looking over a bill that would give prisoners time off their sentence if they donated organs. No one really seems to have a problem with this. Joy even goes so far as to say that it should be mandatory for people on death row to donate their innards. “I’m not necessarily for the death penalty, but as long as we have it…” LOL Joy.

The girls spend the rest of hot topics talking about GPS and a hideous Louis Vuitton purse that is retailing for forty three thousand dollars. Rich people kill me.

Since my recapping duties have increased a bit lately, I will only be covering up to this point in this and future shows, unless there’s someone really cool on. Today, we’re stuck with Rich Little and Susan Lucci, so I’m going to lunch. Until tomorrowish! LOVE