FlipitTypes TV - Recaps, Gossip, and Trash Talk

10 AM Joely Fisher is the Guest Host Today and I am sure I am not the only one who can’t stop staring at her boobs. Jesus, Joely. It’s 10 in the morning, put the girls away! Joely’s there to remind us that she is on a sitcom called Til’ Death with Brad Garrett. Why don’t we watch it? Joely thinks it’s because they’re opposite Ugly Betty. Or it’s cuz Til’ Death’s a piece of crap. They’re moving to Wednesday nights after the American Idol results show, which means we are stuck with Brad Garrett interviews and Celebrity Poker embarrassments for at least another season or so. Anyhoo, Joely survives in the biz by turning in annoyingly memorable performances in bad shows, and I give her props for that. Boobs. Sorry, but seriously. I can’t concentrate on anything else…

Rosie, who has obviously never seen the show, says it’s great television and moves on to slamming Sunjaya from AI. He looks like he’s a character from The Jungle Book and sings off key. When the girls (not Joely’s boobies, but the actual co-hosts) tell Rosie that she is mispronouncing his name, she asks America to please not write her angry letters from “The Foundation of Pronouncing People’s names wrong from wherever he’s from”. LOL, Rosie. Asian people are probably still irate about the Chinese gibberish thing. Joy asks if the “little porn star” is still on and Rosie corrects her. Antonella wasn’t a porn star because she wasn’t paid for her nudie pics. Joy comes back with the ever shining example of Paris Hilton. She used the same excuse, but Joely points out that Paris actually reshot her video with better lighting and made money, so she is legit, Antonella’s an amateur. I side with Joely’s boobies.

Joely tells a story about renting out her Hollywood home to four girls who ended up turning her place into an eight ho strong bordello. Ah, Hollywood. Joy asks if Charlie Sheen was there (rimshot) and Joely says the authorities told her not to mention names. Good for Charlie Sheen, supporting small cottage industries.

10:06 Joely has two small kids and they wear these new squeeky shoes that make noise every time the kid makes a step so Mommy will always know where they are. The first time I am subjected to a little monster in squeak shoes I am holding it down and poking the soles flat with a safety pin. These shoes are just another way for parents to make barren women feel horrible about themselves, and they must be stopped!

Joy earns that paycheck by segueing from awkward shoes to the possibility of Heather Mills losing her leg on Dancing with the Stars. How can you not love this woman? After everyone denounces the insensitive and cruel online bets being made at Heather’s expense, Joy says “So, you think she’ll do the bunny hop?” Rimshot. HEART.

10:11Hot Topics. Yay. The big opener today is no surprise. General Peter Pace, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, gave a speech to Congress yesterday condemning homosexuals. He said homos are immoral, and it’s not fair that there is no punishment when they commit homosexual acts when other immoral acts like adultery do carry penalties. From the movies I’ve watched, if every officer in the Army had to serve time for giving or getting a blowjob, there wouldn’t be anyone left to fight in Iraq. Of course, real Army guys aren’t as hot as guys in the movies I’ve seen either…wait. Where were we? Joely says he’s a hypocrite because killing people is immoral too. Elizabeth denounces the General’s statements, which I find impressive since last year she ranted about the possiblity of gay adoptions ruining children for the rest of their lives. Dumb ho. I just got mad all over again. Joy notes that over 50 people who specialized in Arabic have already been discharged from the Army for having (hot, sweaty gay sex) the courage to be open about their sexuality, and I think we can all agree that’s retarded. But I do have to say, I am thankful that they didn’t send us to the front lines instead of axing us. Rosie rants on about the unfairness of it all, and all I can think of are the wise words of an old queen I used to know: “Girrrrrl, the most homophobic are the most homosexual”. I google General Pace and look at his awful mug. Please, don’t let him have ever even experimented with gay sex. I don’t want that mental picture. Talk about dishonorable discharge. Joy echoes the old queen’s point and Elizabeth insists the General isn’t gay.

10:15 This segment should end now, but Rosie continues on in the overdramatic, sympathy killing way that she is famous for. “What about Dick Cheney’s daughter? Is she immoral? He’s saying Dick Cheney’s daughter is immoral!” Uh, Rosie? I know you’re bringing Dick up because he’s a staunch Republican, but he’s kept on railing against gay rights and his daughter’s “choices” since the beginning, so even in his eyes (and yes, he has said he still loves Mary. Hate the sin, not the sinner!) she is in fact immoral. Doesn’t seem to bother her, as she ran his last campaign. Elizabeth says that the Christian way is to not judge, and we should all follow that. I agree with her for the first time EVER, even though I suspect she’s trying to not get beat up by Rosie in the parking lot after the show. Joely lightens the mood by asking “What would we do all day if we didn’t have anyone to judge?” LOL, Joely. And Amen. Moving on.

10:17 Brangelina’s adopting yet another baby, and they’re disrupting the birth order! As if sensing I either don’t get it or don’t care, she promises to have a specialist on real soon to explain birth order and how it affects children. Shit. Hope I’m busy that day. Yawn. Today’s giveaway are Rosetta Stone Language Learning Books. It must suck to wait in line for hours to get something free and get saddled with French Lessons. Poor Tuesday audience. They can’t all be golden.

10:24 I have to start by saying that I. LOVE. ROSEANNE. She’s fat, irreverent, and hilarious. Her sitcom is one of my all-time faves, and she can do no wrong with me (well, except for everything she’s done since). If seeing me go all gaga over someone you consider to be a stupid pig (MOM) stop reading here. First things first. How much work has she done? She says someone told her if you got a facelift when you’re 39 that you’ll never need another one, so that’s what she did. She also threw got new eyelids and a new nose, which runs all the time. Small price to pay for looking good. Well I wouldn’t go as far as “good” but I’ve never loved you because you were hot.

Roesanne has vowed to stop dyeing her hair and go completely grey. She is excited to be in her mid fifties and has decided to embrace it. When you’re old you get to fart in public and speak your mind. Uh, she’s been doing both of those things since she came on the scene, but if she wants grey hair, I’ll support it. I’ll stop moisturizing. Wait…NEVER!

And then they let her go. The lower class is getting screwed while the rich get richer. Joy agrees, telling us that when she was young, college cost $24 a term (HILARIOUS) and Roseanne ups her one by slamming President Reagan. Before he took over California, college was free to anyone who wanted to go. I don’t really have a stance on free college, but it’s awesome to hear someone publicly take an icon and hero on like that. Even though I feel bad cuz he’s dead. But still, damn you Reagan! Surprisingly, Roseanne doesn’t go off like a bottle rocket when asked to comment on the homophobe General. Instead, she says that’s only one example of a screwed up world and she hopes the people who fix the elections will let a Democrat in next time, just to even out the blunders being made right now. LOL. Roseanne is also pro divorce. You don’t say.

10:43 The next segment distrubs me. The Guest is a Decorator named Bob Guinea. Bob’s from the Midwest. He screams, jumps around and smiles real big. Freakin’ Peter Pan. We get it! You’re in touch with your inner kid! You see, he’s a Decorator for kids!!! Yikes. He goes to a neighbor’s house to do her children (’s room) and she says “I love Bob! He’s like another son to me! He pays so much attention to the kids!” I’ll bet he does. All I have to say to that one is RUN, LADY! RUN!

Until next time, enjoy the view, SUCKAS!