FlipitTypes TV - Recaps, Gossip, and Trash Talk

9 AM Credits. Wow. The View has been on for ten years? I remember watching the first episode in a tiny two bedroom apartment in Queens with my friend and roomie, Brandy. For whatever reason, I was obsessed with bunnies at the time and brought two home as pets. As Barbara, Meredith, Star, Joy and Lisa Ling subjected us to the first day of bitching, moaning, and baseless outlandish opinion mongering, Brandy cackled and I walked through the apartment picking up tiny little balls of rabbit poopy muttering “Shut those crazy bitches up!” Ah, Memories. A decade has past and I am happy to report that I no longer have bunnies to pick up after, Brandy and I are still very close friends, and I still mutter “Shut those crazy bitches up!” every morning.

Senator D-Chuck Schumer is one of today’s guests on the show. He’s gonna tell us how he plans to make things easier on the middle class. Thanks, Chuck. The middle class is really going through an economic crisis. No one has the money for Pilates after they’ve bought they’re 1000” Plasmas. Help! And now, ladies and gentlemen, our first ever recap of The View!

The Guest Host is Laura Prepon. I didn’t know who the hell she was at first, but it turns out she’s Donna from That 70’s Show except now she’s all grown up and has blonde hair. She looks fresh and cute, but her deep voice has matured into a severe chain smoker’s. I feel for her because I understand the addiction. Maybe me and Prepon can become friends and live out our old age together conversing through the little holes in our throats. Laura’s coming out in the new midseason replacement show called October Road, and I think I’m gonna watch it to see this likeable actress deliver lines while she still can.

Laura tells us she was Punk’d by Ashton, but it took two tries. The first time he got some woman with a thick Korean accent to ask her crazy questions, like “What’s your favorite sexual position?” Wow. Subtle, Ashton. Joy asks “What is your favorite sexual position?” The audience of stay at homes applauds and ooooohs. Sex joke! Cover the baby’s ears! Joy asks again, seriously curious. Instead of telling us, Laura goes on about the successful punk, but it’s really boring so Rosie brings up Pink’s furious Punk’d episode. Joy doesn’t know who Pink is, so Rosie annhialates some of her greatest hits. You really want to see Pink go ballistic? Show her this tape. Rosie anoints Pink “the Janis Joplin of our era”. If Janis didn’t roll over in her grave this morning, it was only because she was too drunk to. I almost lose my Starbucks as Rosie goes on about how much she loves Pink’s body. “I dream of having it!” I’ll bet you do. Keep it in your pants, Johnnie. This is family hour.

Last week Rosie had Linda Dano on to talk about depression. Good source of info, ladies. I used to watch Linda Dano cry so hard on Another World that snot flew out of her nose. The woman knows pain. Anyway, in that episode Rosie hung upside down on a rubber sling to share her misguided efforts at being happy with America. The pic has been splashed all over the net, and Rosie has a chuckle over that, even telling us she loved the joke about her on The Soup. “I don’t know if hanging upside down cured Rosie’s depression, but it sure cured mine!” LOL The Soup. Joy rotates the pic and says it looks like Rosie just saw Donald Trump in a Speedo. I love Joy cuz she can always take a joke that sounds hack and make it work. A little rimshot goes off in my head every time she opens her mouth, but mostly in a good way. Rosie “inverts” for three minutes about ten times a day to help with her morbid why me’s. Other things you can try at home in lieu of seeking professional help: turning around in circles and making yourself dizzy, blowing bubbles with your spit, and cutting tiny parts of your inner thighs with a nail file. Thanks, Ro!

Joy and Rosie’s friend and fellow comedian Richard Jeni apparently killed himself over the weekend, which leads to more talk about depression. I’m starting to feel sad and am glad I missed last week’s depression show. I hope Richard Jeni didn’t see it, or Rosie might have a lawsuit on her hands. In her defense, he died from a gunshot wound to the face, not hanging from a rubber sling, but Rosies open-legged tour de force couldn’t have been healthy for anyone to see, let alone someone with severe depression. Joy tells one of his jokes about religious wars: “You’re basically fighting over who has the best imaginary friend.” LOL, Richard. You were a hilarious man, and we’ll miss you. RIP.

9:17 Old people at concerts. Rosie saw The Who and only recognized the CSI theme. Regis is having bypass surgery. Ooooh, I hope Clay Aiken guest hosts while he’s away! In other news, a one hundred and one year old woman was robbed by guy and punched in the face. Rosie extends a co-host invite. A senile old lady with multiple punches to the head would probably fit right in on this show.

9:21 The View’s stylist had a baby over the weekend and asked Joy “How do people do this ten times?” Joy says she knew a lady who had ten or so kids and suspected she had graffiti on her insides. Rimshot. LOL, Joy.

9:26 Newt Gingrich admitted to James Dobson over the weekend that he was having an affair (while his wife was in the hospital for cancer treatment) during the time he led the Clinton impeachment hearings over the Lewinsky scandal. What’s more shocking? That a right-wing preachy conservative is a hypocrite or that there’s someone out there willing to fuck Newt Gingrich? This mental image erases the current nightmare of Rosie in a rubber sling, so I guess I’m kinda grateful. There will be no lunch hour today. Thanks, Newt! Elizabeth says Gingrich is no hypocrite because he tried to impeach Clinton over lying, not having sex. Oh, Elizabeth. I’ll bet the right-wing nutcases are proud to have such a fount of knowledge in their corner. The ladies to explain to Elizabeth that she’s a brainwashed ignoramous, but she just smiles dumbly and shakes her finger in the air. HATE. HER.

9:32 They leave the subject of Nudie Newt to talk about the Alberto Gonzalez controversy. Seems our Attorney General approves of torture. Big shocker. Elizabeth believes strongly in the Patriot Act. Another shocker. She says there have been over three hundred attacks prevented because of the laws and if the government wants to listen to her order a pizza from Domino’s she doesn’t care. Rosie reminds her that if she was Middle Eastern a call to Domino’s might mean a trip to Guantanamo Bay. They squawk about the war and freedom and the audience of Stay at Homes is divided as usual. I hope the war ends soon just so these girls have something new to be ignorant about. I’m bored.

9:35 Actress Minnie Driver comes on to talk about her new show The Riches. They show a clip of her drawling in a Southern accent and playing lazy eyed. I smell an Emmy! This show sounds incredibly stupid (sorry Eddie Izzard, I love you) and Minnie overcompensates for the lame clip by getting all actory and drivelling on about the writer being a playwright, so you know the script’s good. Actually, plays aren’t televised for a reason. Because they put people to sleep. And so do you, Minnie. I hate actory talk. Minnie’s face looks frozen and only somewhat like the old her. I hope The Riches lasts at least enough episodes for her to save up for a better doctor.

9:46 Chuck Schumer comes on to plug his new book and Joy sings Hail to the Chief. Doubt it, Joy, but a girl can dream. The government has abused the Patriot Act, but Chuck wouldn’t repeal it. He would put limitations on it. Sorry, but the Patriot Act is about the Government having no limits. That’s the point. He won’t comment on the Newt Gingrich scandal, because you never know when that fat bastard is gonna rise from the ashes and start sniping. He will say that the whole Walter Reed fiasco is horrible. The money is all spent in Iraq, not on the troops. The Bush administration doesn’t think about day to day operations and misspends left and right. Halliburton is moving to Dubai, and even Elizabeth has to keep quiet on that one. He says the way to win the war on terror is to focus on Afghanistan and specific cells instead of policing a Civil War. Unfortunately, we started that Civil War, but no one mentions that. All this is GB’s fault because he didn’t think things through. Chuck admits in the next breath that he voted for the war in Iraq and doesn’t regret it. Uhhh, what were you saying about thinking things through? He brings up the missing weapons of mass destruction, but come on people. We never had solid proof and we knew it. We also knew GB didn’t have the ability to think things through and no one believed for a second that Clinton didn’t have sex with that woman or that OJ didn’t chop off his wife’s head. We make shit decisions all the time. It’s our right as Americans. Stand behind your decision or publicly denounce it, but don’t whine and make excuses. Grow a pair, Chuck.

Joy says that she has the luxury of complaining on TV, but what about the average person? How do they get their voice heard? Well, Joy, by voting. And the “average person” voted GB into office twice and polls showed the “average person” was 75% in favor of the war in Iraq. The problem starts with the “average person” and ends with the “average person”. Get your head out of your asses, “average” people, and let’s make a better world. That’s from my new book Stop Whining, You Silly Bitches.

And with that, our first View recap comes to an end. What do you think? Did Newt give you nightmares? Is Minnie’s eye stuck from Botox, or is she just a good actress? Are there any politicians you can actually stand?