FlipitTypes TV - Recaps, Gossip, and Trash Talk

My cousin Macy was going on a long-planned trip to the Bahamas with her (asshole) husband Richard and she’d lost her babysitter at the last second. It was either trust old Flippy or cancel the vacation, and she wasn’t willing to do that. “I need meeee time, Flipit! Goddamit just get over here!”

I tried to hide the pure joy in my voice because I knew she feared that I would leave her three year old in the mall or teach him the f word, but I loved her son. Mason was like a mini-me. He loved green, hated vegetables, and kicked anyone who tried to wake him up. His first word was “no” and his first sentence was “I don’t like you”, which isn’t a perfect match but is close enough to my first sentence: “I hate you.” I couldn’t wait to show Mason how to con marks, bag babes (or dudes, depending on that outcome) and lie his way into a decent job. His mother knew this, and that’s why she kept us apart as much as possible. But now, for a four-day weekend, he was all mine! In the short course of our time alone together, Mason called me fat, stupid, and ugly. He threw his dinner in my eyes, came into my room to pee in my bed while I slept, and put rocks in my shoes. When Macy came back, Mason told her I was mean. I defended myself (”He totally started shit with me every two seconds!”) but she curtly said thank you and got me out of there as fast as she could. As I left that day, I hugged Macy tight, knowing I was going to have to start blowing her off now. You see, Mason was like me in every way. And I never wanted to have to deal with that brat ever again.

This week, Top Design taught us crimp irons went out for a reason, grapes and bananas are pretty fruits best avoided by petty fruits, and if you ever meet someone just like you, turn your head and walk the other way.

Ryan kicks off the episode by telling us he doesn’t feel he’s really had a chance to prove himself yet. Uh, actually you’ve had three chances so far and you’ve boned it. Given the right circumstances, he feels like he will be able to “blow some minds”. What are the right circumstances, exactly? Maybe a fifty thousand dollar budget? How bout talented carpenters and seamstresses? Or professional advice from a friendly sock puppet? The circumstances haven’t sucked, dude. You have.

Gay Dad is still mortified that he was in the bottom three last week and feels it happened because he didn’t take an active enough roll in critiquing his teammates, who were actually designing while he cried in a corner. You didn’t take an active roll, period, you whiny little closet case. As usually happens on reality shows, the big fake smile is fading away and we are starting to see the shitty little queen under the mask.

I like how the producers of this show have no problem changing the format around a little when it isn’t working. They seem to have realized that they chose a sad group of uninteresting people as their contestants and have stopped subjecting us to “Home Time” first thing in the morning. Butch coming out as being HIV+ over breakfast put the nail in that coffin. Instead, we immediately move gay-ly onward with the next challenge. This time, the Designers will get to meet their client, but Todd warns them that they will be the bitchiest, prissiest group of homos they’ve ever had to design for. Other designers! Actually, designers in training. The task will be to create the perfect post college sleep/eat/work space for fashion students randomly assigned to them. Gay Dad gets the cutest of the students (randomly assigned my ass. Stop tempting Gay Dad, producers!), and the smile is instantly back on his face.

Eye on the ball, Mary, this ain’t a date!

Most of the Designers nod their heads and say “Yes! I have that same exact style!” when getting ideas from their clients. Felicia is working for Christina Applegate and can’t believe her luck. They have so much in common! “She’s like my Mini Me!” Ok. If you were fifteen years younger and waaaaay hotter, but I like the positive attitude. Ryan is assigned a hippie dippy bimbo who doesn’t care what he does, as long as there’s a lot of art. Finally! The artist has his day! He doesn’t have to conform! He’ll finally be able to show what he can do, and I have a feeling it’s gonna suck. Hard. I think he hears that thought as I type it and this is his response:

“Fuck you, Flipit.”

The Designers are given $700 to blow in the fabric store, which is a pretty impressive budget, but now that his hot client is gone, Gay Dad is back to his pissy, negative self. “I’m not liking anything!” Oh, buck up you big baby. Ryan finds the most hideous fabric in the store and snaps it up. As he checks out, he brags how he has never bought fabric before. Ever. I have to ask again. What is this guy doing on my TV? MAKE IT STOP.

Felicia says she is a designer who wants to give the client what she wants, but she’s not gonna do something crazy and wacky just because her client asks for it. Uhhhh…..so you’re the kind of designer who wants to give the client what she wants, but won’t? You’re hired!

The next morning, Todd comes into the lofts to wake them up at six-thirty in the morning. Carisa can’t believe she was just woken up by the one and only Todd Oldham!! The sock puppet is a Messiah to these people, but I don’t trust anyone with a laugh this evil.

They had a sweet budget at the fabric store, but them’s days is over. Everything else will have to be purchased from garage sales. The Designers look like they were just told Butch was coming back to the show. I am wearing a jacket that still kind of smells like the old man who died in it, so I don’t see what the big deal is, but what do I know? Andrea is the most worried because she has never been to a garage sale (?!?!?!). You should try it, Andrea. Garage sales are outside, where there’s SUN. They will have five hundred dollars to spend, which is a lot in the garage sale world, but Gay Dad looks horrified. I can see him in the future, teary eyed, telling his daughter the story of the time he only had $500 dollars to spend. Wah wah wah.

They obviously can’t all go to the Garage Sales in the same car, so they split up into two pairs. Carisa and the Wiggum kid’s car ride was hilarious. The driver takes them into some shady ass areas of Los Angeles and Carisa runs her fingers through her hair nervously, trying to talk the driver into turning the car around. She’s not positive about their prospects. “We’re gonna find, like, three dirty mattresses and a ping pong table.” LOL, Carisa. I was ready to write this girl off as a cloying, neurotic asshole after her behavior in last week’s challenge, but if she makes fun of poor people some more I’m gonna have to clear the books. There’s nothing like a poor person joke to lift my spirits.

When she finds a plastic and pleather chill chair from the 70’s, she is shocked that it’s owner was asking for two hundred dollars. “Two hundred? Can we work on that?” I cringe. Haggle if you’re gonna haggle, but don’t. Whine. The Wiggum kid is usual annoying self. I know I should hate him, and part of me does. But after this picture of him waking up in the morning, hairless, toneless and bug-eyed, he’s just more of a cartoon. Yay cartoons! To the private camera, the Wiggum kid unleashes his snot nosed arm chair refereeing upon us. It’s happened enough that it deserves it’s own show. Stay tuned for Judge Wiggum Kid. Judge Wiggum’s ruling of the moment is that he himself is fantastic and talented. Carisa, on the other hand, didn’t show any signs of being unique with her 70’s pop crap. Guilty of Tacky Cliche! Her sentence will be cold shoulders, rolled bug eyes, and general shitty treatment from Judge Wiggum Kid. Sentence to be carried out immediately.

Andrea sees potential in a lot of different pieces, because she plans on chopping them up and making new pieces with them. Too bad she didn’t see potential in Ryan, because I would love to see him chopped up. He’s an artist, you know? He sees art in everything and would rather have this junk to work with than anything he could buy in a store, because at least the junk’s original. Too bad you’re not.

Felicia picks up the same nasty afghan my smelly babysitter/neighbor Candy Jacobs had in her house and I flash back to being five and misunderstood and sad. Please, don’t buy the blanket, Felicia. I’ll stop making fun of your (tilt) eyebrows! PLEEEAAASE don’t leave me alone in this smelly woman’s house, mommy! The guy selling it scoffs at twenty five bucks. I’ll give you fifty to make her put it down, you greedy son of a bitch! She buys it, and my dog’s ears perk up. A storm’s coming.

Back in the workroom at the PDC, Todd tells the designers that since the show seems to be struggling to not suck, they’re going to take a tip from their biggest sister and let the Designers pick their carpenters from now on. The winner of the challenge will get to pick first. Everyone oohs and ahhhs like they’ve never seen Project Runway. This rule will go into effect next week, but for now, they’re stuck with who they’re assigned. The hot guys come out first and then the cameras cut away. Fine by me, but if they keep only showing pretty people, this show will only be thirty seconds. Thirty seconds of BLISS.

The Designers sketch out there ideas for their Carpenters, who are in charge of going to the hardware store to shop. While they are out, Todd comes around and gives the Designers advice. Felicia’s paint color won’t work with her purchases, so the puppet suggests blending different colors to get something better. He also points out to Carisa that even though her basic room idea is good, her orange and green color choice is tired. She has used the same combination in two other challenges already. She knows, but her client asked for orange. This is where we need a firm “Make it work!” but all we get is a sweet, busted grin.

The next day, Ryan decides to look at his room as a big art project (ugh shut UP). I lost a little respect for Goil when he praised Ryan’s crazy black room, calling it “bold”. So is genocide. Ryan has crushed glass and started gluing on it the walls. He thinks it looks like diamonds. Me and my little sister used to pick up shiny broken glass off the street and pretend it was gold until she tore a tendon in her six year old hand. Pretty dumb, but we were CHILDREN. How the hell are you supposed to stumble in drunk late at night (like most good designers do) into a pitch black room with shards of glass on the walls without seriously hurting yourself? If this was my room I wouldn’t have any skin left. Better invest in some serious night lights, client. I keep finishing this paragraph and coming back to heap more of my disgust on Ryan. I just HATE HIM. Deep breath and a visit to my good friend Mary Jane and I’m all better. Closeup on Ryan’s arrogant, one eyebrow raised face. AAAGGGGHHH!!! Is it possible to overdose on Mary Jane? If I wake up dead, you know who to blame.

Goil runs into a bit of trouble with his hot ass carpenter, Jared (PS I LUV U) who can’t seem to measure right. Goil tries to get his way by speaking lower and saying dude a lot so the straight guy can understand, much the same way white guys talk to black guys and start spouting off ghetto terminology and rolling their head a little so they don’t seem…well, white. Carisa’s luck isn’t much better with her Tonya Harding at forty lookalike carpenter. She bought wood that is way too heavy to make the desk with. Carisa runs her fingers through her hair and walks round and round in circles, but Tonya assures her she has everything under control and will finish in the morning. Carisa asks if there’s anything she can do to help, and her carpenter says “The best thing you can do right now is just leave me alone.” To stare at this big pile of wood and scratch my head. This debunks my theory that the homlier carpenters are more talented. Ah, well.

The next day, most of the Designers are feeling pretty confident as their rooms start to come together. Sean Hayes minus the personality has taken two lamps and made a bigger lamp out of them, which I think is pretty bad ass. Felicia is glad her necktie fabric is looking good (delusional!) because she based her whole concept off of it (mistake!). And it’s time for today’s episode of Judge Wiggum Kid. Felicia’s room looks like a bad necktie, proving she can only design with lots and lots of money. Guilty of not being flexible with poor people materials! He sentences her to public betrayal and loss of confidence, to be carried out immediately. Before adjourning, he recommends Carisa get rid of the huge hot pink “eyesore” that is her desk. Tonya Harding tries to stick up for her work, but as it is rolled out of the room, it collapses. Can’t skate anymore, you’ll never be hired as a carpenter again. Poor Tonya Harding. Carisa cries like she has just taken a lead pipe to the shins. “I’ll never trust a carpenter again!” What really sucks about this is that she might have boned it even harder than Ryan, and he. Must. Go.

Ryan’s ode to huge psychadellic mushrooms impresses Sean Hayes, who tells him he has this one in the bag. Ryan, believing the hype, replies “I’m scared of success!” You have nothing to worry about, dickwad. Just before the Judges have their say, it’s time for one last segment of Judge Wiggum Kid. He says Ryan’s room isn’t mature enough for a college student and the whole thing is Willy Wonka. Ryan is guilty of Neon Condescension and he is sentenced to having his fat gut in the same frame as the Workout Season 2 ad.

Coincidence or advice?

The White Room starts of with a bang. Or a banged up Kelly, I should say. D-d-d-daaaamn, girl. With her crazy crimped hair and her glittery flapper dress, Kelly looks like the white ho from Hustle and Flow, but more slutty and more crack addicted. She obviously doesn’t give a fuck what anyone thinks, and I love it. My favorite show in the world is Absolutely Fabulous, and a skinny Edina has entered the building. Time for a bit of Stolie and lunch, sweetie. Now if we could pry that stick out of Margaret’s ass and get her trashed, Eddie would have a Patsy. Until then, there will be imbalance in the White Room.

Today’s Guest Judge is Joe Stewart, a set designer most known for creating Monica’s sweet apartment on Friends. The man took that odd shade of purple and changed the face of sitcom design for a decade. Gotta give him props for that, even though the color’s been so used I want to throw up a little every time I see it now. Speaking of, I met a girl from Idaho the other day with the Rachel cut. Are people still wearing that? Note to American women: pick a new cut!

The Judges all love Gay Dad’s room. His client had asked for Armani Casa and he did a commendable job making a high-end room with garage sale finds. They show a clip of his client, who looks like a dirty smelly Euro-trash backpacker. When Jonathan asks him if he’d rent it, he says definitely! This guy would be glad to get into some air conditioning. Period. Margaret isn’t a huge fan of Gay Dad’s green walls, as he uses it every week. She recommends he turn the page in the swatch book. LOL, Margaret. Guest Judge Joe thinks the color is overused, too, but overall the room was a success.

Jonathan and Guest Judge Joe liked Andrea’s room ok. They both called it functional, which is a sweet gay way of saying “you are one boring white girl”. Kelly and Margaret took issue with her couch/bed. It was too narrow and the double cushion was a bit impractical. Andrea doesn’t argue. She admits that she did the double cushion on purpose but on second thought she should have gone with a single. This makes me like her. Adult behavior on this show is a breath of fresh air. Margaret agrees with me and smiles at Andrea like her sweet, proud Aunt Marge. Way to not talk back, kid!

Goil, who is in yet another different pair of glasses (how many corny frames does this boy own?), seems to be pretty confident in his work. Jonathan says this is the most room-like room Goil’s done (IE actually livable and not insane), and he is impressed with that. Margaret digs his L shaped platform and cut off chair set, calling it “ingenious”. Those chairs are pretty sweet, unless you want to sit anywhere else in the room, in which case you would break your neck.

Kelly questions his recessed bed. It’s built into a platform, which she has a hard time believing would be comfortable, but he insists it’s more comfortable because you can’t fall onto the floor when you’re already sleeping in the cracks of it. If the room was being designed for dust bunnies, I would totally agree. But as it stands, I wake up face down on the cold floor enough as it is and feel like that bed would just be giving in to my alcoholism.

And now it’s Felicia’s turn. I know this isn’t gonna be pretty when Jonathan says “Let’s start with the afghan” and her face falls. They show a clip of Christina Applegate doing a walk through and she’s not happy. There are so many things she would change, she doesn’t know where to start. Jonathan asks her what she would do if she had to walk into this room every day and she says “I’d shoot myself”. OUCH. So much for your mini-me coming through for you. The last time I met someone like me I changed my cell number. You should have done the same, girl. This bitch hates you. The room is hideous, so it’s hard to disagree with Christina, but when she says she likes the necktie fabric wallpaper, I throw an empty chocolate milk carton at the TV. You tacky ho! This scathing review could have saved Ryan’s ass, and I am no longer a Christina Applegate fan. Go ahead and shoot yourself. Save me the time and bullet money. Jonathan is no fan of the room either, but even he seems to disapprove of this client’s nasty attitude.

Erik’s room is much more successful. His use of space was flawless and the chair on the platform is “hot”. Kelly has a problem with his “scary” artwork on the walls, though. Was there a mirror the camera didn’t catch? Oh wait. She meant the actual art. It is pretty psycho, but he’s obviously talented and the artwork was a small thing, so they let him slide.

Since the Mayor of Excuses Village was sent packing a couple of weeks ago, Carisa decides to rally for his office and start off her room explanation by bitching about her missing catastrophe of a desk. Kelly is unamused and looks at Carissa like she doesn’t appreciate being forced to stay in the same room with this idiot. Damn, she looks like such a crack head bitch on wheels, I just can’t stress it enough. The Judges didn’t know about the desk so she should have just kept her mouth shut because they loved her chair and lamp. The same chair and lamp Judge Wiggum Kid sent her to Plastic Pop Art Jail for. His decision is over-turned in the White Room, and his only response is bug eyes.

When its his turn, Kelly compliments his “organic feel”ing lamp, but Jonathan jumps on his ugly colors. Grape and banana just don’t work for college kids. The Wiggum kid says he didn’t think of his colors as being grape and banana at all, to which Kelley replies oh yeah! Mac and Cheese with grape on the side. LOL Kelly. Keep smoking whatever you’re smoking. Wiggum is plain mortified that this scarecrow just compared his room to a white trash snack and says he completely disagrees with her. He was going for bright and airy, and he thinks he achieved it. Margaret says there is nothing bright or happy about his work. Bug eyes.

They save the worst for last. After they diss the horrid wood jail cell bed and general chaos of Ryan’s room, Guest Judge Joe asks him if he looks at his rooms as art pieces. The correct answer here would have been a simple “yes”, but instead we’re treated to a rousing monologue about recycling and not trying to keep up with the Joneses. He says he doesn’t just rifle through color swatches, he rips shit apart and gets his hands dirty. No one ever accused you of using color swatches, you dildo. Margaret takes offense at his comments. There is nothing wrong with a Designer using fabric samples and color swatches. It’s how they…how do I put this? DESIGN. She is pissed that he talks about tools of the trade in such a derogatory manner and Jonathan backs her up with this face:

Margaret asks Ryan flat out if he even wants to be a designer, and he answers “As long as I can have it have my own rules.” Confused as to whether she should attack his horrible grammar or point of view, Margaret opts for silence and a tilt of the head. No, Felicia, no one’s talking to you. He says “I can make a room, pretty. I just don’t see what’s so hard about that.” Jonathan says “You should start with that.” LOL JONATHAN. I am liking these Judges more every week.

The sad thing here is that his theatrics took time away from the gutted out stuffed polar bear on the bed, the awful comforter, the glass on the walls, and the neon. The only cool thing to me were his little stool/art pieces idea, but his execution was hideous and not to mention uncomfortable. My two year old niece has stools that size on her coloring table. Fuckin moron. Wait. Ryan, not my niece. What’s happening to me? Deep breath. Mary Jane. I’m getting sleepy. And hungry. MMMMmmmmmm, Snickers.

The Designers are sent to the waiting room while the Judges decide their fates. They generally liked Gay Dad’s work, but Margaret wasn’t into his lamp. Kelly loudly disagrees. These two women obviously hate each other. Every time Margaret doesn’t like something, Kelly gets louder and nasally-er and objects like a teenager. And like a good Mom, Margaret bites her tongue and lowers her eyes. Stop biting your tongue and tell this bitch off, Margaret!

Andrea’s room was nice, but boring. Kind of like Andrea. Goil’s bed made Margaret think of bruising her shins and Kelly felt his work fell flat today. When they get to Felicia, Guest Judge Joe tries to soften his words by saying that the afghan has certain connotations, but Jonathan comes right out and says the blanket made the room look like the set of Mama’s Family. LMAO. I officially love you, Jonathan Adler! Margaret is disappointed, because Felicia is obviously a well-trained designer who boned it hard today.

Erik’s room was successful, but his serial killer art ruined his chances of a win. Surprisingly they all loved Carisa’s hot pink/bright red (depends on the shot. Weird.) room. They gave kudos to her shopping skills and found the overall look well thought out with a strong POV. I guess putting red, lime green and orange together takes a strong point of view, but it didn’t look very good.

The Wiggum Kid isn’t so lucky with the Judges. He threw stones and he lives in a glass house. The shards rained down on him in the White Room and scarred his face for life. Margaret calls his work plain hideous, and Kelly dials it down a bit saying maybe he just needs to work on his color. Margaret tried to be nice, too, but all she could come up with was “It was better than his children’s room…”. Ha. Jonathan’s not a fan, but he does see some improvement in the Kid.

When they get to Ryan, I have a feeling Kelly is standing up for her crack ho look by saying “It’s dramatic! It’s memorable! Even if you didn’t like it, it moved you…” Oh Kelly. Iron your hair and put on a skirt suit. Don’t let this fuckin freak survive another week just because you’re outfit is getting dirty looks from Margaret. Jonathan isn’t liking the attitude and Margaret seconds that. She says Ryan is just an angry man and shouldn’t be a designer. Kelly starts with the “dramatic” and “point of view” loop again, and Margaret finally takes off the sweet mask and looks at Kelly like she could punch her in the face.

Carisa pulls off a win, which I guess is great for her but I don’t get it at all. She won because she picked out a cool lamp and chair? What about the pissed off client? What about the broken desk and bare walls? What about the hideous color combination? That chair was worth the two hundred bucks, huh? Ryan and Felicia are in the bottom two, and I really feel for Felicia when she’s axed. She was standing next to the most hideous, least talented designer on the show and she’s being sent home for honoring my smelly baby-sitter with that hideous blanket.

Felicia is classy and mature to the very end. I could have done with the boobies almost slipping out of her shirt, but I feel bad for her and wish her well. What? I’m not always a total bitch. Tilt.

So what do you think, dear Readers? Did Felicia deserve to be offed for a shitty blanket? Will Ryan turn me into an official drug addict? Will Margaret ever come to work wasted and kick Wearstler’s bony ass?