FlipitTypes TV - Recaps, Gossip, and Trash Talk

I was tingling. No drugs, no drink, no pills. The only stimulus was a shirtless stud standing in front of me calling me baby. I told myself a normal (gay) man would have jumped in head first and swam to Paradise, but there was something I just couldn’t see past. When he kissed me with his full, bee stung lips, my eyes stayed open to look down and take another peek. At those hideous socks he was wearing. Who wears bright purple socks with pink Christmas trees on them? In the Summer?

Shut uuuuuppp, Flipit! Score the point now, question the player later. Color is a minor thing. You can buy him new socks. In a few minutes we were both naked. Well, me except for my cowboy boots (I like the height they give me) and him except for those socks. Those horrible, horrible socks. I have the opposite of a foot fetish, so it wasn’t easy when I got on my knees and put my fingers under the rim and pulled. On his left foot he had four cubic zirconia toe rings and his nails were painted different colors. Ew. I acted like I had food poisoning and made vomit sounds in his bathroom for ten minutes before getting my shit and calling a cab. The sad truth? A normal looking guy would have lost me at purple socks.

This week, Top Design taught us if you’re on a reality show you should bring more than two outfits, if you go out in the sun put on some shade, and if a sock tries to warn you, listen to it.

Sometimes it takes me time to really get into a show. Before I can truly commit, I have to be able to answer three questions: Will the contestants be psychotic enough to hold my interest? Are they good at what they do, or just crazy people? And why do I CARE? Well, today, my friends, this show delivered. There’s enough crazy in this group of designers to keep me fed for the remaining two months of it’s run, they’re definitely getting stronger in their designs, and I care because suddenly there are lots of half naked hotties everywhere lifting things and sweating like only a hot half-naked guy can. Hats off, Top Design. Hats off!

Fade up on Carisa masturbating. She’s so proud of herself! She’s competing well so far and she doesn’t even do interior design for a living! She’s a set designer! Don’t brag that you’re not right for the job, babe. Up to now, I’ve liked this girl. She comes off like a sweet, nutty fag hag with crazy ideas. That said, I think Carisa has realized that we like her, and her burst of confidence is obnoxious. I like my reality competition characters like my men. Capable but insecure. “I’m pretty pleased with myself.” Oh shut it.

No time is wasted on home life at the loft this morning, and I miss the gay zoo sounds (giggle, chirp, butt slap giggle giggle what–ever! OMG chirp giggle).

Gay Zoo Sounds

In the workroom, Todd gives the Designers clue bags filled with plastic shovels, sunglasses, and bubbles (bubbles?). Beach Challenge! Too bad Padma Lakshmi’s not around in a fur coat and bikini. That getup might have actually worked on this show. The task is to build three different cabanas for faraway locations. Miami, St. Tropez, and Tahiti. Goil doesn’t know what a cabana is. He giggles and giggles and giggles. He’s gonna pee when he hears about the cabana boys. Michael bug eyes us and reminisces about that time he built a couch cushion fort in West Palm. He’s sooo got this one.

Ralph’s first Cabana

They will work in teams of three and will be judged on originality, ingenuity, and how well they incorporate their faraway place into their design. Andrea, Felicia and the Wiggum kid’s PH balances are in sync, and it looks like they will have an easy, breezy time working on their Tahitian cabana. Gay Dad teams up with Sean Hayes (nice Days of Our Lives brows, dude) and Elizabeth and he’s more fay and skittish than usual. He darts his eyes back and forth and sweats a lot as Elizabeth and Erik brainstorm for their Miami cabana. They come up with a design they are proud of, and they especially love their color choices. Elizabeth says “It’s what’s gonna save us. So that’s what we’re in agreement to.” They put subtitles on that, just to let it sink in that Elizabeth has trouble sentence forming. Rude. But hilarious.

Goil works with Ryan and Carisa, and he begins by building a model of his idea with a couple of flip-flops and #2 pencils. Their end result didn’t look anything like this model, but it was fun to watch Goil poke big ass holes in his flip-flops.

They will have a day to complete their cabanas at the PDC and another day to transport them and re-build them on the beach. When the shopping duties are divvied up, Carisa runs into some trouble. Goil is going to the hardware store, which makes sense since he’s the architect of the bunch, and Ryan wants to go furniture shopping. After the Kitty at the Beach nightmare from last week, she is hesitant to let him pick out furniture. Can you blame the girl? Ryan doesn’t take no for an answer, and Carisa gets stuck with choosing fabric. She says it’s because she’s the girl. Oh, sweetie. You’re the manliest thing on this show.

She had a right to worry. Ryan’s shopping skills were lacking, to say the least. He chose hideous pillows and built his palette around them. He chose to pay attention to the brick red flowers instead of the light back round. That red chenille blanket will work great, Ryan! In a cabin. In Texas. Dumbass. Carisa, right on cue, freaks out on his purchases. She’s been complaining about him to anyone within earshot since he left, and now she’s rarin’ to go. She says they chose the colors of the French flag and he missed the mark. He replied that he wasn’t as conservative as she is and he’s not going for grandma’s living room. Really? Because I know a lady with wicker furniture and chenille blankets. Guess what her name is?

Carisa argues that St. Tropez is a classy place and Ryan disagrees, saying he thinks of it as motor-boats and babes, and besides, just because you have money doesn’t mean you have to have class. OK, so you’re not going for class? I am sick of listening to Carisa complain, but Ryan is the biggest dumbass on the show, and that’s saying something. To prove his taste level, he wears the hideous fluorescent green shirt again. The only thing worse than having bad taste is having pride in your bad taste.

The puppet comes around to gage their progress and warns Team Miami that their colors aren’t appropriate. They ignore him. Gay Dad wants to do something that isn’t too Miami just because their challenge is to build a Miami-syale cabana (uhhhh…good choice, dude) and Erik says your first idea is usually your best idea, so they’re sticking with grey, green, and eggplant. Todd also warns Team St. Tropez to maybe learn something about St. Tropez before they start construction. He educates the po folk on the swankiest destination in the world. Ryan smiles in that “I’m gonna paint everything fluorescent and win this thing” way and Carisa sighs. What’s bought is bought. I feel bad for the Old Ham. Everyone discounts him as a sock with some guy’s hand up his butt. They don’t recognize. The man is an extremely successful designer! LISTEN TO HIM!

The Wiggum kid is busy making a mattress. I get the feeling he’s never done this before because he works on it for the whole day and is trying to crawl inside it to figure out how to make it work. Anything to escape painting. The puppet comes by to give advice. Instead of slapping Michael on the head and telling him to get to work, Old Ham sprinkles some fairy dust over the mattress and warns the Wiggum kid to dart the foam to avoid a slip-cover tug of war. Thanks, puppet!

On his way out, Todd tells the Designers that they can modify any of their furniture to better fit their designs and construction of the project has to be completed by midnight. Gay Dad can’t even retardedly half-smile. He drops a little poop on the floor. Buck up, Dorothy. A hurricane’s a comin’. People scramble to get er done while Carisa kvetches to the cameras and rolls her eyes a lot. The cameraman falls asleep, so she goes to Goil for an ear. She says “Just so you know, Ryan and I are having some tension” and he says “Really?” LOL. “So we’re on the same page, then,” Carisa says, still wandering around not working and not being on the same page as anyone. In private time with the revived camera man, Goil says “Ryan’s not a team player. Larissa’s not a team player. No team players here!” Uhhhhh….Her name is Carisa, player.

A few hours left and Gay Dad’s team has their interior done, but he’s still “scared”. Oh boo hoo. Pick up a tool. At least pretend you’re busy, Gay Dad. You can force yourself to do it with a girl at least enough times to make a baby, I think you can handle wiping your nose and working a screw gun for a few hours.

Ryan and Carisa butt heads when Carisa decides to take a break from her confessional moaning and pick up a pencil. She keeps changing the angular cut on the ledge of their roof. There will be cloth covering this ledge, so no one will see it, but she insists on changing it 10 times and raising a rabble with Ryan. Everyone gets sick of her angle crusade and starts ignoring her, so she storms off emotionally. To the private camera, no doubt. Poor camera man. That guy deserves a raise.

The next morning, the grueling work was made a hell of a lot easier when the Cabana Boys were rolled out.

Cabana Joy

How anyone got anything done, I’ll never know. Goil was taken aback when “Clarissa” (oy) freaked out about the sun, the sand, and the general outside-ness. She soothed her own annoyance by spraying down the cutest of the Cabana Boys.

Goil and Ryan kept calling out for her help lifting the structure, but come on guys. That’s hot guy time sabotage. Carisa has acted like a total ass for the past two days, but it’s not right to take this moment away from anyone. And….moment’s done. Get to work, you whiny heifer!

The teams are putting together some really cool structures for this challenge. Todd comes into the workroom and shines his sun on everyone. He’s really impressed by their work and just soooo happy to be there! When he compliments the architectural design of the Tahitian cabana, the Wiggum kid says “It takes a gay village…!” That one’s still floating around out there, huh? I thought the “it takes a village” joke went out after Whoopi Goldberg fell off the face of the Earth, but I’m splitting hairs here. He wasn’t snapping or rolling his head or crawling into a home made mattress, so for those things I am grateful.

Erik and Elizabeth are confident with their end result. Erik thinks that the puppet was just trying to psych them out about the colors not being Miami. Old Ham is way too sweet to ever psych anyone out, Sean Hayes! You boned it there.

Today’s Guest Judge is world famous designer Kathryn Ireland. Must suck to be called Kathy Ireland and not be completely hot. Poor thing was more Angelica Houston than Sports Ilustrated model, but who’s happier deep down?

Kathryn seemed to know what she was talking about (and she should as she runs her own fabric line, design studio, and textile company), but for the Cabana Challenge the only Guest Judge that would ever make me truly happy is Dixie from Mad TV’s “Cabana Chat”.

The winners of this challenge will get a weekend get away at the Viceroy Hotel in Santa Monica. Kelly Wearstler designed this hotel, which is badass. I forgive the fingerless gloves immediately.

Jonathan tells the Designers that in addition to being judged on style, originality, and how well the cabanas would fit into their faraway locations, they would also be judged on their teamwork. If Carisa had the flexibility to literally reach her foot inside her mouth to keep from making even more of an ass of herself, I’d like to think she would have done it.

The Tahitian Cabana’s flowy translucent fabrics and classic lines went beautifully with their planked flooring, but Margaret was quick to point out the missing roof. Andrea explains that they had the materials, but thought the sky was the perfect roof. Uh…People go to Cabanas to get out of the sun. Der. Still pretty, though. When the Wiggum kid’s home made mattress is featured, I press pause to crack up and get some Rocky Road. This kid kills me. He spent two days on a mattress too thin to even serve as a dog bed. But he did it HIMSELF!

The Judges didn’t have anything to say one way or the other about the Miami Cabana. It looked really cool to me. The wood slats were a neat idea, and their flooring extended to the outside, like a little sunning deck. From outside, I thought it looked like South Beach, and I remember it well because when I went there I was thirty pounds overweight and the whole experience scarred me for life. I feel a little better when the cameras move back behind the fabric to reveal my sweet Great Aunt LouLou’s living room. The fluffy eggplant and grey rug, the wicker, the dark wood. The shopper kind of boned it on this one, and the shopper was Erik. I’m just sayin’.

The St. Tropez Cabana looked like an overdone pool umbrella to me, but it was definitely different. This is the first episode where the designs were all actually pretty good, so I was interested to see what the Judges had to say.

They started with Tahiti. Margaret loved the translucent fabrics, but she didn’t find the interior very modern, which takes the Tahiti right out of it. The Judges get on the team for the missing roof, and Andrea explains that they had the materials but decided against using them. This answer doesn’t satisfy Kelly, who looks like Barbie after a long night of partying. How could this stunning woman come on TV with ratty ass hair like that? Margaret says Tahiti is a very modern place and she didn’t see any of that in their interior. The Wiggum kid sticks up for their furniture saying they didn’t want to be too literal with their design and if she wanted to go to Gilligan’s Island, he wasn’t gonna be the one to take her there. Margaret looks like it’s dawning on her that the Wiggum kid has no idea what St. Tropez is. She smiles good naturedly and pretends she knows what Gilligan’s Island means. I should add that Margaret looks beautiful tonight. I know who stole Kelley’s conditioner!

Andrea said they were going for fantasy, and that gets Jonathan on her side. “I love that you said fantasy!” Calm down, dude. Guest Judge Ireland brings everyone back to Earth. “From here, it looked unfinished.” Snap. Next!

Miami: Johnathan liked the indoor/outdoor idea, but he hated the color. Kelly and Margaret agreed. It was Vegas tacky, not Miami tacky. Elizabeth says that they had a discussion about it, “very succinctly”, where she questioned Gay Dad on the color choices, since he had worked in Miami. Nice try shifting the blame there, Elizabeth. Kelly asks who the leader was, and Elizabeth goes on with nonsensical filler about being different people and trying to blend styles instead of just saying “I was.” She dosen’t have to lie and cover up. The structure was pretty cool. She should have promoted that instead of back peddling on the colors. Why not concentrate on the positive and avoid negative thinking? What the hell am I saying? Damn you, The Secret! Once again, Guest Judge Ireland skips the small talk and drops the colors. The fabric was so heavy and the interior space was so limited that she couldn’t imagine wanting to go inside just to stare at blank, heavy fabric. Snap. Next!

On to St. Tropez. Jonathan loved the structure. When he looked up he saw St. Tropez, but when he looked down, it was all Buffalo. LOL. He calls both Ryan and Carisa out on furniture and fabrics. This should be fun. The hominess of the wicker and the brick red of the fabrics was gross. Ryan says he’s a sculptor. Umkay. I think Ryan should be fired right now just for wearing shorts to the White Room. I won’t even start on the shirt. Jonathan, who hasn’t learned yet to be a subtle instigator, asks Carisa if she feels like her ideas were “heard”. Of course she says no, which prompts Guest Judge Ireland to finish it off with “Sorry, but it was boring.” Snap. You are all dismissed.

When the Judges are alone, we see that Kelly isn’t a tired Barbie after all. She’s Daphne from Scooby Doo.

All of the Judges agreed Tahiti was great. Clean, simple, and classy. The missing roof was a mistake, and Kelly says maybe they were planning on giving out buckets of free zinc oxide. Yawn. Miami was the bomb we figured it would be. Jonathan couldn’t get past the colors and the girls agreed. Margaret said “It’s fluorescent! It’s the color you paint something you don’t want people bumping into!” LOL, Margaret. They gave props to the indoor/outdoor idea and the basic architecture, but they don’t give Elizabeth points for any of that. It’s her own damn fault for blame shifting on the color instead of taking credit for the structure. The Judges aren’t quite sure who to blame for the green, but Kelly leans toward Elizabeth, calling her passive aggressive. Don’t forget nonsensical and flaky, Daph.

As far as St. Tropez went, Goil’s structure was unique and fabulous. Guest Judge Ireland says she would hire Goil to come work for her. The fabrics and furniture, on the other hand, were a total failure. Margaret said the hanging curtains made a classy structure look like the hamburger shack at the Country Club. Love you, Margaret. Kelly says that it was a team mistake to put Ryan in charge of furniture. Too bad she didn’t know Ryan forced his way into that job. The color choices were hideous too, but Kelly doesn’t think Carisa’s voice was heard and that Ryan made a lot of poor choices. Carisa’s voice was heard. By everyone. For two days. She might have been ignored, but she was definitely heard.

The Tahiti cabana took top prize, which means Andrea and Felicia get to spend a weekend at the Viceroy with the Wiggum kid. Congratulations! Suckas! The interior of the San Tropez cabana sucked it, but the fluorescent green on the Miami loft was unforgivable, and Elizabeth is fired. Doh! Even though Elizabeth had a crap room last week and kind of turned into an a hole in the White Room this week, I hoped she would pull through. How is Ryan still in this competition?!? Elizabeth is stunned and upset. She says the color criticism was bullshit and it sucked to get fired for that. “FUCK!” Aw, Sailor. You’re boat’s leaving. Don’t miss it. Again.

So what do you think, dear Readers? Did Elizabeth deserve to be cut so soon? Will Ryan take the hint and burn the fluorescent green shirt? Will Andrea and the Wiggum kid hold down Felicia at the Viceroy and wax her brows?