FlipitTypes TV - Recaps, Gossip, and Trash Talk

When I worked as a busboy at Applebee’s in the early 90s, I became friends with a newly reformed stripper named Eve who worked as our hostess. Eve was what you’d call “porn star pretty”, which means without strip club lighting and bare boobies, she was kinda busted. She knew this (she taught me the term) but she didn’t care. She was gonna be an actress, natural beauty or not. She believed in herself, so I did too. I took her to audition after audition and ate pity cone after pity cone with her when she got rejected. Lots of ice cream was consumed.

One day I accompanied her to an audition for a local carpet company. Eve had been all out of sorts on the way there. The rejection was starting to wear on her. She was pissy at best, and I smelled booze on her breath. She cried a bit before we went in and I told her lots of cliche things like “be all you can be” and “honey! Just be yourself!” As she entered the audition room, she tripped on the rug. And didn’t get up. Five to ten seconds of silence. Then, suddenly, she started rolling around on the rug drunkenly giggling and squealing. “This is the most comfortable carpet in the world! I LOOOOVE THIS CARPET!”

The other girls in the waiting room were prettier, smarter, and sober, but in the end, that’s what made my friend a carpet-rolling icon. She’s been El Paso Carpet’s spokeswoman for sixteen years now (”I LOOOOVE THIS CARPET!”) and every time I see someone trip on a rug I get choked up.

This week, Top Chef taught us you gotta get a gimmick, chemicals are good, and the only sure things in life are death and taxes.

Last week’s Monkey Bash has only made Marcel more determined to come up with the chemical equation that changes food forever! He has a whole tackle box full of chemical compounds and says he wants to change the way we think about food. I always thought people went to nice restaurants to get away from food loaded with chemicals, but I’m old-fashioned that way. If any of the Judges come down with cancer later, there should be a trial. Marcel’s personality could very well be the product of years and years of chemical testing.

We get the added pleasure of meeting his two best friends, who are just as geeky as he is. Awwww! Cute! They scurry around the kitchen together like mad scientists. The dishes they prepare are further evidence that they are, indeed, trippin’.

The eggs are watching…

Strung out or not, Marcel is studying and planning and has a feeling his opponents aren’t doing the same. Well, they might not be using Bunsen burners…but most of them are studying.

Elia has taken the two-month shoot break to bone up on Hawaiian cuisine and grow a cute ‘do. We meet her proud boss and take a look at her life as a room service cook. She shows us her huge collection of degrees and certificates and swimming medals and says she was two seconds from a gold medal once. Foreshadowing? Don’t get me wrong here, because the girl is very pretty, but Elia has gained a little weight, which makes me think she’s not as confident as she is letting on. I am probably just projecting. My first day in my TVgasm cubicle, I was so scared I ate a tube of raw chocolate chip cookie dough. Elia has decided to balls out go for it. Not sure how I feel about her right now. I just pray that she doesn’t become a total asshole by the time this is all said and done.

Any hobbies?

As we know by now, Ilan’s icky, so it’s fitting that he works at a restaurant called Mono. The food he is preparing looks a little familiar.

Familiar?

His boss is very proud of him now, but I wonder how he felt in the Beach Episode where Ilan bungled a dish he apparently makes every day. He is confident in his chances of winning, even though he hasn’t studied up too much on Hawaiian cuisine. He doesn’t want to “learn too many new things”. Sounds like a winner to me.

Sam has decided to broaden his horizons by interning for a Pastry Chef that used to work under Daddy Tom and by getting a HAIR CUT! Why, God? WHY?

RIP comb headband. You will be missed.

The Pastry Chef says Sam has great (grooming) habits and almost no (hair) ego in the kitchen. He’s excited to go to Hawaii and confident he can win. Who isn’t?

He and Elia are the first to arrive on the first class section of the plane, so Ilan is left to sit with Marcel. The monkey says he’s surprised that he has become the villain and outcast of the show. Then he pronounces fantastic “fantastique!” and brags about flying in first class lots of times. He’s like a social cutter. He just can’t help it. Another thing that’s bugging me is he’s watched the show now and he still insists on wearing the tiny man’s hairy butt crack soul patch. Too bad Cliff’s not around to hold him down, I’d shave it myself.

Elia officially pulls her support for the monkey. She says that he has problems with everybody and the only reason she’s “put up with it” is because she didn’t feel threatened by him. So now you’re not putting up with it because you do feel threatened? Or because you’ve watched the show and decided to hang with the popular crowd? Elia’s “friendship” with Marcel seemed charitable, almost saintly to me; so when she takes off the habit and snipes at the dork with the cool kids, I feel duped. That girl pushed me down in Jr. High, and I’m upset I’ve been tricked into rooting for her. Damn you, Bravo! I’ll get you for this!

They touch down and are greeted by smiling Judges in a beautiful valley on the Big Island. Their guest Judge, Chef Alan Wong, invites them to eat a gorgeous traditional Hawaiian feast complete with A bullhorn blowing spiritual muscle head guy. A group of natives give thanks before their feast, and it’s cute that the Chefs have to hold hands and pray. Aw, family. Padma is the bitchy sister who refuses to close her eyes.

“I am so not praying.”

I don’t know what the hell they’re putting in their mouths, but it looks damned good. Tastes like Doritos. Wait….Now it tastes like Snickers. Yum. I have to get a glass of water.

They eat all this with their fingers. Admit it, you miss Mikey. Wong tells stories about the food and explains where it came from. He mentions taro leaf a few times. It is common in that particular valley and used in many Hawaiian dishes, but if it wasn’t cooked right, it would make people’s throats itch. Extra points for using taro. Got it.

After dinner, they get some rest in their bangin’ penthouse then wake up bright and early for the Elimination Challenge. That’s right, straight to elimination. No free passes today. They will prepare the same meal they ate the night before with their own stamp on it. Each Chef will make two dishes for Chef Wong’s birthday dinner using anything they brought along with them plus ingredients native to the land, and they have three hours. Oh yeah and two of them will get chopped today. Go! Daaammmmmnnn. The Chefs have individual freak-outs at this news (Sam looks particularly mortified), but they don’t have time to wallow into the camera. It’s hustle time.

Elia goes on about never having made Hawaiian food before (who has?) and decides to use fresh tuna for an ahi poke done Mediterranean style as her first dish. She also makes tuna juice. This turns out to be a good move, but it’s definitely one of those times I’m glad I don’t get to taste the food. All I could think of is that nasty water you get all over yourself when you open a can of Star. Her second dish will be snapper wrapped and steamed with bell peppers in ti leaves. Sounds a little boring, but I’m still stuck on tuna water.

Ilan is already boiling his taro leaves. He is the only one who is using the leaves (Marcel and Sam are using taro root), so if he pulls it off he gets a gold star. He will incorporate it into his first dish, using squid and sausage for a Spanish lau lau. Ilan has a leg up here, because he’s used taro before. His red dish from the Deadly Sins episode featured fried taro root. That dish didn’t go over very well. Will he do better with the leaf and has he learned from his mistakes? Time will tell, but he’s still sticking with the five-year old act, so my guess is no learning from mistakes. To be safe, he’ll be serving a nice refreshing coconut and saffron haupia pudding in case he bones it and makes everyone’s throats itchy.

Marcel is weighing out xanthum gum on a little scale like a coke dealer. Since the gum doesn’t have to be cooked, his poi can retain a fresh pineapple flavor with “a couple bumps” of the white powder. This guy is too much. Daddy Tom has the same reaction as I do.

Marcel will be doing a tomato foam (Punch in the Mouth Spit Foam) with his salted salmon. Shocker. Tom comments that the words Hawaiian cooking and thermal immersion circulator haven’t been used together in the same sentence before, but Marcel takes it as a complement and high fives the unicorn next to him. I’ll tell you this much: if he does a tear and a foam on the same dish, I will stand up and cheer.

Sam takes the time out of his busy day to remind us Marcel could prepare a piece of rat crap and it would look pretty, but would it taste good? I was just wondering the same thing about pretty, bland Sam. He’s doing snapper. Elia is doing snapper too, so Sam had better find a twist to make him stand out. He thinks he has it in his marscapone coconut mousse, but Ilan will also be using coconut in his dessert which means neither of Sam’s dishes have a shot in hell of looking original. The Chefs have tables full of ingredients. Is it a coincidence Sam is using the same things as Ilan and Elia? He did it last week too with Marcel, and I can’t help but think Sam’s being a passive aggressive little bitch.

One of Ilan’s pans catches fire and Marcel ribs him about it, saying he should have thought of that during the flambé challenge. Doh. Ilan doesn’t laugh. Uh oh, the monkey’s misbehaving. He moves Elia’s pot off a burner she insists was turned on, he keeps turning Ilan’s burner to low…it’s almost like he’s tempting them to attack him again. They don’t. To his face.

It’s Judgment time, and Sam looks like he is going to have a nervous breakdown. Seeing even a shred of vulnerability makes me root for him a little. The Judges are impressed by his snapper poke. Tom isn’t a huge fan of the raw shallot aftertaste, but Gail likes the crunchiness of the sea beans and Guest Judge Wong says it would pass for Hawaiian poke. Elia says she tasted Sam’s snapper and it was good, but there was nothing special about it. She thinks hers is better. We get it, Elia. You’re confident. Everyone fawns over his marscapone and coconut cream dessert. The little bit of saltiness made it original and even though Elia tried to psych him out on the sidelines, telling him she heard complaints about too much salt, he felt good about it. Damn, Elia. Who cares if you scare him? Your food has to taste better.

Her reviews are mixed. Her poke was just raw tuna with olives and sun dried tomatoes, and Padma is the only one who really loves it. Gail thinks the olives overpower the fish, and Daddy Tom didn’t think it was a “spin” at all. Guest Judge Wong gives a shout out to the tuna water, but her next dish will have to be stunning. And it’s less than. Her snapper was well cooked and seasoned, but the ti leaves around it weren’t steamed, because she didn’t “have enough time”. Come on now, you chopped some tuna. She thinks she just scored because all the Hawaiian “real people” love it. Oh, Elia. Have you learned nothing about “real people”? I won’t attack these extras, because in their culture people dress up like princesses. So even they look like…well, the Hawaiian version of our “real people”, I won’t be mean.

Marcel acts like one of those over-enthusiastic sample guys in front of Sbarro with his first dish. I don’t care what’s in the crust, just hand over the tray of pizza and shut up. He goes on and on about his hamachi poke with pineapple poi and crispy taro root chip, and tells sad stories relevant to his Tear of a Clown signature.

Elia rolls her eyes along with everybody else, but the dish goes over really well across the board. His salmon lomi lomi with tomato foam, scallion oil, chile water and root chip was really beautiful. He even had the sense to hide his waiter spit like a normal person. Sniff. Our boy’s growin’ up. You would never even know you just ate enough chemicals to burn a baby’s face off. He tells us he’s not trying to be charismatic, it’s just an innate quality and he can’t help it. In other words, as usual, he was annoying as hell but pulled the challenge off quite nicely. Everyone loved his pineapple poi except for Padma, who said it was too runny. People just laugh at her critique and ignore her, as is best for all involved. Ilan admits that Marcel’s dish was probably excellent, but it was bordering on “destructively deconstructed”. Talkin’ trash. Hope you got somethin’ to back that up, cuz you’re next.

Ilan used his Spanish cooking heavily in both his dishes. The chorizo, squid lau lau and taro leaves were wrapped in ti leaves, which pleased Guest Judge Wong. The Judges agreed that the dish was fantastic. All of them except, you guessed it, Padma. She said she felt the dreaded burning itch in the top of her palette. I think little Miss Lakshmi has taken her two months off deciding how to come off as less of a trophy wife bimbo and more of a real judge. Oh, Padma. You’re NOT a real judge. SHUT. UP. Ilan’s saffia haupia frita dessert was popular with Gail. Padma said it reminded her of his funnel cake, and that’s a good thing. Uh…Padma? The funnel cake was not a good thing. What the hell’s going on here? The funnel cake was a soggy, limp disaster! The editing on this show is going to drive me over the edge. Going into the Judging, Ilan’s not feeling too confident because his food wasn’t pretty. Well neither are you but you’re in the finals. Stop your whining.

After the meal, the party is treated to a flame twirler. Puhleeze. If you’re not gonna set someone on fire, don’t waste my time. On to the judging. Daddy Tom and Gail look like they wish they had that flaming baton as Padma starts in on Marcel’s runny poi again. Gail said she thought it was airy and great, but Padma tried again. “Really? You didn’t think it was runny?” Daddy Tom was red in the face, looking like he could smack her. He shook his head, firmly saying “no” and Gail smiled and stood by it. Padma insisted it just didn’t work. Ugh. I think I need some clarification. Padma has been giving her opinion all season, and it has for the most part been light, entertaining and seemingly valid, so I never really questioned it. But at the end of the day, isn’t she just a washed up model with a mediocre cookbook meant to put a pretty face on this show? Since when does she get to ram her opinion down our throats like she is today? Whatever has changed here, please change it back.

So that’s how she does it!

The only way to make a clear judgment is to call the Chefs in and see how they explain what they created. Padma goes straight for Marcel’s poi, but Daddy Tom says the only way he could have ever used raw pineapple to pull of that dish was with the chemicals he used, and even though his ideas were a little repetitive, it was nice to see them in context. Guest Judge Wong agreed, and called the monkey’s work an adventurous success.

Elia hit a snag with her poke, as it strayed too far off the traditional Hawaiian path. She mentions that she loved her tuna water. They’ll give her the tuna water, but unanimously agree that overall, the Mediterranean flavors were overpowering. She says her goal was for them not to say “this tastes Hawaiian”. Uh…That’s kind of the challenge, Elia.

Gail had nothing but raves for Ilan’s Spanish fusion. She also gave extra credit for being the only Chef to use meat (chorizo) and taro leaf. Daddy Tom says if the Spanish had landed here it’s what they would have done and calls it the perfect blend of two cultures. Wow. Two votes for Baby Aiken-John. Wait. Re-cork the champagne. Miss Padma hasn’t had her say. She complains that she felt burning in the back of her throat and he says he tasted it four times and cooked it for two hours. Daddy Tom shook his head and rolled his eyes, saying it didn’t bother him. Wong wasn’t as big a fan of the saffron croquettes, but was still smiling about the taro leaf.

Sam’s dessert was a winner, and his poke was good. A little more acid and cleaner cuts on the fish were the only things the Judges could criticize, so they excused the Chefs to have a drink while they conferred. It’s almost as if Ilan, Sam and Elia could hear the glowing comments about the monkey’s “home run” as they tried to formulate a plan to get Marcel kicked off. Ilan and Elia list what they hate about Marcel and decide he should have been chopped a long time ago. Ilan tries to convince her to say something if he does, and she doesn’t commit, but she does add that Marcel’s been cheating the whole time. Ilan begs her to say something. Sam sits quiet except to nod his head and say “if you do say something, you should say something about the cheating.” This is almost exactly the same scenario as last week, minus one drunken bruiser. If they can’t beat Marcel, and they can’t torture him, they’ll get him eliminated. Sam doesn’t even have to do anything but sit back and watch. Again. These three do have something to worry about, because the Judges have decided Marcel will move on and Elia will not, due to lack of both originality and tradition. They still can’t decide between Sam and Ilan. Daddy Tom liked Sam’s food, but he didn’t cook anything. Padma gets all up in arms about this, saying good food is good food, but Tom looks at her like she’s a moron. “This is a cooking competition!” He also brings up the lack of risk and daring. Gail agrees that Sam played it safe, but she thinks Ilan played it safe, too. He just made things he makes at work every day with a few different ingredients. Good call. Even though Ilan gave me a personal shout out this week, I still hope he gets off my tv.

Thanks, but no.

When they bring the Chefs back in, they commend them on an excellent meal overall, but someone has to go. Then there’s a big long awkward pause as Elia and Ilan nod at each other to say something. Finally Ilan says “Elia and I were talking, and we think there are some people here who don’t respect the kitchen.” This is seriously painful to watch. Daddy Tom looks to the Heavens like he can’t believe this shit is going down again. Reports after the last episode said Tom tried to kick everyone off but Marcel, making him the default winner, but the Producers weren’t willing to just throw away the finale. One look at his face and I believe that tidbit.

Ilan stops talking and there is another long pause. Marcel tells them to just spit it out and Elia says “come on, Marcel. You know you cheated many times.” So there it is. The Judges are pissed. They want examples. Elia mentions her pot being moved, but she starts to choke on burnt feet and just stops talking. Marcel denies the accusation, insisting her burners were off. Tom asks if this affected her dish, and she says no, but… “am I the only one, here?” Ilan stays quiet. Crickets. Sam says “maybe we should just listen to what they have to say.” Ouch.

You should have learned this lesson two weeks ago when you let yourself be talked into the pointy headed Dumbo makeover. Daddy Tom is fed up. He doesn’t care what happens in the kitchen and he is sick of hearing about it. Way to kill the room, Elia. And seal your fate. After Marcel is congratulated, Elia is chopped. And then the knife turns to Sam and Ilan. Sam is asked to pack his knives and go. ILAN and MARCEL??? Woooaaahh. I never would have expected that a few weeks ago. And that’s television, kid. For those of you who missed this a couple weeks ago, here is Marcel’s family celebrating back home.

Sam drones on in his usual emotionless monotone about being disappointed and even though I am surprised he didn’t make it to the end, I’m happy I won’t be subjected to his vanilla ass on Regis and Kelly the rest of the year.

In her parting video diary, Elia says she didn’t say what she said about the monkey to help herself win, and adds that she has been Marcel’s only friend through the entire competition. No, you had been his only friend. Now you’re has been.

The Way We Were

So what do you think, dear Readers? Is anyone still watching this show? Would Sam still have won fan favorite if voting took place after his haircut? Will Marcel cause cancer, or will he cure it?