Mar
30
2007
7

Recap: American Idol Results: Love Your Hair, Hope it Wins!

tinponyhawk.gifA lot has happened on the planet since Tuesday’s episode. The pony hawk swept the nation, Cover Girl’s stock went up by 70%, and millions of little boys all over the world became men when their balls dropped at the sight of Gwen Stefani pumping it in extreme platforms during her video montage. And that was just in one day! Wow, this show works fast.

I was pretty sure when I got in bed with my bottle of Stoli and my girls I knew who was gonna get the boot tonight, but that didn’t make it less fun. You weren’t surprised when Saddam got hung in that barn, but you popped a bag of popcorn and gathered ’round CNN with the family to watch him dangle anyways. As it should be. This is America! And THIS. Is American Idol! (more…)

Written by flipit in: Amercian Idol |
Mar
28
2007
12

Recap: American Idol: Faux Rock Pony Hawk

harajuku.gifWhen my eyes opened this morning I felt like I was still dreaming, I was so excited. I called a couple of my Asian fruit flys (or fag hags, or Ling wings) and gassed up the Rav4 for a day of facials, BevMo shopping, and a Target spree. Holy day? Bet your asses! Stefani’s in the HOUSE!

Glow sticks? Check. Platforms? Check. Asians? One got sick from her third Krispy Kreme so I kicked her out of my car and left her wandering around West Hollywood, but the other one’s asleep on my floor. Norman Rockwell couldn’t have painted it sweeter. Hang on tight. THIS! is American Idol! (more…)

Written by flipit in: Amercian Idol |
Mar
26
2007
6

Trash Talk: Monday, March 26, 2007

trash talk logoToday in Trash Talk: Scientists make human sheep, Nina Garcia makes a human baby, and TMZ makes us shudder. (more…)

Written by flipit in: Trash Talk |
Mar
26
2007
9

Recap: Top Design: Little Boy Lost

brodie.gifA couple of summers ago, I was feeling depressed, so a friend suggested I do charity work. Nothing to make you feel better about yourself than helping other people! Well, let me save you the time. Other people suck. I only needed one day of getting bitched out by old incontinents in a state run nursing home to reaffirm that. I ended up spending a couple of months at the dog shelter, where I met my little friend Brodie. Brodie was a tiny terrier that had been abused by his owners and when he was rescued, his torture continued from the other dogs. I just didn’t get it. Why did every one hate the smallest creature? It just seemed unfair. I took him home, vowing to love him and squeeze him and call him George, and all hell broke loose. The second he was safe, he started to lash out. He bit me, peed on everything, and barked at me viciously when I came home from work. The abuse and torture suddenly didn’t seem so unfair. After two weeks, I had had enough. I was still depressed, and now I was physically and emotionally scarred. The morning I was walking him back to the shelter for a lethal injection, he bit my ankle, made a run for it, and got hit by a Prius. He didn’t die, which meant I had to spend two thousand dollars and three days in the doggy hospital. Drugged up and half dead, Brodie stared into my eyes and licked my hand, making me forget all about the little jerk he’d been for the past couple weeks. For the first time since I was a kid, I prayed. I asked God to make Brodie better. But not too much better.

This week, Top Design taught us that empitness in inexusable when you have a lot of money, Taylor Hicks is an asswipe, and last minute grace may not save your ass, but it might just save your soul. (more…)

Written by flipit in: Top Design |
Mar
25
2007
11

Recap: Idol Chat: Chooch’s View

chooch.jpgHey there people. Sorry it has been a couple of days since I have posted new content. Top Design, Trash Talk, and The View will return tomorrow at different times throughout the day, but in the meantime, check out the recap of Idol Chat our good friend Chooch (or Betsy, as she is known on this site) wrote.

Every recapper’s dream is to be recapped, and you gave that to me, Choocher! LOVE (more…)

Written by flipit in: Random Thoughts |
Mar
22
2007
8

Recap: American Idol Results: When In Doubt, Jiggle Like You Mean It

littlegirlpost.gifWell, ladies and gents, the first huge star of the season has been born. Since Tuesday night, the sobbing little girl in the AI audience has made headlines all over the world, appeared on the nightly news and The Today Show, and shot a four part TV movie about her life for FOX. Wow, fame works fast. Can firing her mother and slipping into a heroin addiction be too far behind?

Good for you, Betsy Wetsy! And please, America, let’s not just eat this girl up, wreck her life and spit her back out again like we have so many other brilliant artists. Exploiting children is wrong!* This PSA has been brought to you by the Association of Chunky People In Bed With Candy Bars and Vodka Against Child Exploitation.

* We’ll have our crying little Betsy Wetsygasm shirts up for sale by Monday.**
** Proceeds will not go to starving children.

And now, without further bs from me, THIS. Is American Idol! (more…)

Written by flipit in: Amercian Idol |
Mar
21
2007
11

Trash Talk: Wednesday, March 21, 2007

trash talk logoToday in Trash Talk: Kim Bauer’s many violent deaths, The Boy Scout Break-Out comes home, and Paris and Nicole torture fat kids. (more…)

Written by flipit in: Trash Talk |
Mar
21
2007
12

Mini-Recap: The View: Tuesday, March 20, 2007

soldierabusefunny.gifI wasn’t going to write about The View today because frankly I wanted to binge at the Soup Plantation and go see 300 instead, but I can’t just let a filling dish like today’s pass me by. This is not a full on blow by blow, but today’s ep is definitely at least worth a page or two. I don’t want to tell you happens in the first paragraph, so I’ll just give you a hint. Posie mells Gelizabeth roff. Again. Yaaay! (more…)

Written by flipit in: The View |
Mar
21
2007
14

Recap: American Idol: LuLu Invasion

tinkbigmic.gifAs the show begins, I’m worried. Tink is so weighed down by an extra huge body mic and another drab grey suit he can barely fly straight. Why are you trying to keep the fairy down, Fox? It becomes a running theme in tonight’s show. Fairy foreshadowing. He asks the Judges what the singers could do to help remember their lyrics this week, and Paula advises them to think of Simon naked. If this image doesn’t traumatize at least one contestant, they’re all made of stone. It sends me into a depression binge. Ooooh, Haley’s dressed like a total ho tonight! Depression evaporated. Yet still I binge.

Marlboros? Check. RX MJ? Check. Enough food to feed a three block long line of homeless people (back off hobos, this is my Dominos!)? Check. All systems are a go. Ladies and gentlemen, THIS. Is American Idol! (more…)

Written by flipit in: Amercian Idol |
Mar
20
2007
7

Recap: The View: Monday, March 19, 2007

Today on The View! Barbara is a babblehead, Elizabeth is a moron, and The Secret is that you just wasted a bunch of money on a crappy self help book!

hugo disgustedThe girls welcome Barbara back from her trip to Venezuela where she interviewed Hugo Chavez. She is happy to come back to a peaceful house. The kids didn’t piss anyone off while she was away, at least no one who fought back publicly. Elizabeth, the little kiss ass, says they were afraid to misbehave when Barbara was with someone so powerful because she might have them taken care of. If only, Elizabeth. If only. Barbara said every morning at eleven, she lit a candle. LOL, Babz. “Just in case you hadn’t heard…” Yes, Barbara. We’ve heard. You interviewed Hugo Chavez. What an amazing accomplishment. She blathers on about it but decides to wait to show clips until the next segment. Goody. This is gonna be a day long event. (more…)

Written by flipit in: The View |
Mar
20
2007
5

Trash Talk: Tuesday, March 20, 2007

trash talk logoThis morning in Trash Talk: Happy Anniversary, War in Iraq!, Road Rage is caused by a-holes, and Naomi mops up. (more…)

Written by flipit in: Trash Talk |
Mar
19
2007
14

Trash Talk: Monday, March 19, 2007

trash talk logoIn today’s edition of Trash Talk, Heather Mills gets stomped, Richard Hatch is untouchable, and John McCain doesn’t like being called ugly. (more…)

Written by flipit in: Trash Talk |
Mar
19
2007
8

Recap: Top Design: Stealing Credit And Getting Your Due

beloved.gifAbout eight years ago, I moved to Long Beach and took a cush job as a pet sitter. I was basically paid to go to people’s homes while they were at work and hang out with their pets. Well, if you haven’t noticed by now, I’m an extremely lazy person. If I don’t have a boss or manager nit picking me every five minutes, I will never ever work. Not working is my favorite hobby. I made fast friends with a fellow employee named Donald, who was even more of a lazy stoner than me. The day Beloved came out, I was first in line to buy tickets (I know, I know, but Oprah had me brainwashed). Only trouble was, I had a doggie gig. If I called in “sick” one more time I was gonna get the boot, so I begged Donald to fill in for me. He did it for a single bud, and I couldn’t believe my luck. PS. Beloved sucked ass.

That night I got a call. It was my boss. “Flipit, were you at the Alvarez house today?” Yes! “How long?” All day! I just got home! “Will you please take Mr. Alvarez back his stuff?” Turns out Donald robbed the place blind. I was questioned by the police, fired and completely humiliated. To this day, I blame Oprah and that horrendous movie she made.

This week, Top Design taught us to act nice (even if you aren’t), flowers shouldn’t have fur, and if you’re going to steal credit for something, make sure it doesn’t suck first. (more…)

Written by flipit in: Top Design |
Mar
16
2007
10

TRASH TALK: MARCH 16, 2007: WEEKEND EDITION

trash talk logoIn Part one of Trash Talk: Weekend edition, Donald Trump and Rosie are finally on the same page and Jennifer Hudson starts acting like an ungrateful asshole in public. (more…)

Written by flipit in: Trash Talk |
Mar
16
2007
5

Recap: American Idol Results: Bottom Boys

diana ross is crazyRecapping the American Idol results show for the first time was very interesting for me, because I usually fast forward through more than half of it. I like to think of myself as above sitting through the Florida dinner theater style production numbers and drawn out torture of innocent kids. Well, tonight I learned that I’ve been a fool. One thing I like to do when I watch TV is laugh, and this episode had me giggling so loud the downstairs neighbor pounded a broomstick on her ceiling and yelled “I have a baby!” I stomped on the floor and yelled back “Yeah! A LOUD one!” Stupid ho. Like it’s my fault her husband refuses to wear a condom.

After tonight’s display of fros, mos, and old ladies in their underwear, I think I might start watching ONLY the results show. And now, without further adieu, ladies and gentelmen, THIS. Is American Idol! (more…)

Written by flipit in: Amercian Idol |
Mar
16
2007
12

Recap: The View: Thursday, March 15, 2007

view1small1.gif9:58 I had to get out of bed today to work to avoid getting bedsores, so I came down to the coffee shop. I sat at an angle where people couldn’t look at my computer screen, because a grown man sitting in a coffee shop typing madly and watching The View on his computer screen just doesn’t look right. I plugged my earphones into the wrong hole and when I pressed play, housewives screamed and the announcer boomed “Today on The View!” I slapped the mute button, but the damage was done. I am getting dirty, disapproving “get a job” looks from everyone in here. Even the girls! Judge not lest you be judged, bitches!

After a smoke break, a Diet Coke, and a resolution to always check for the proper hole, I’m back. Sleeping pills! A hideous purse! Prisoner abuse! All in today’s episode of The View! (more…)

Written by flipit in: The View |
Mar
15
2007
2

Trash Talk: Thursday, March 15, 2007

logoBritish people don’t know what fat kids look like, Hillary Clinton is a friend of friends of Dorothy, and Martha Stewart is one nasty bitch. (more…)

Written by flipit in: Trash Talk |
Mar
14
2007
8

Recap: American Idol: The Top Two (And the Other Ten)

paulacriesbsideLet me first say that I. Love. B-Side. I MISS B-side. I would write something poetic here, but I am a very shallow person and real feelings are difficult for me to express. Before I nervously pick up where he left off, let’s just take a moment to drool over his handsome picture together and thank the Lord for the ‘gasm and our friend Ben. Amen. We miss you, tiger.

7:58 Here we are, after weeks of bloody, mind numbing auditions, at the Top 12. Bigger stage, bigger orchestra, bigger boos. So why am I feeling pissy? I think I’m still a little shell-shocked over last week’s shocker eliminations. Sabrina Sloane? GONE. Sunshine? GONE. I kinda hated him but at least he could sing. I forgot who the other guy was already, so I’m pretty sure I was ok with him going. Antonella? GONE! Wait, now I’m veering into Happy Land. Shoot, does this mean I won’t get to log on here every day to see pictures of her peeing anymore? Stay focused, Flipit! They’ll eat you alive!

Point is, some very good singers were sent packing before their time, and I am still rallying against the injustice of it all. But when eight o’clock comes ’round it’s time to put my feelings of disappointment in the same little box that houses my failed wooing of Eddie Cibrian and my dreams of making something of myself before my little sister did. I uncork a couple bottles of wine, call my friend Mary Jane, and throw a few King Size Milky Ways in the freezer. And…8:00.

Ladies and gentlemen, THIS. Is American Idol! (more…)

Written by flipit in: Amercian Idol |
Mar
13
2007
5

Recap: The View: Tuesday, March 13, 2007

joely fisher boobies10 AM Joely Fisher is the Guest Host Today and I am sure I am not the only one who can’t stop staring at her boobs. Jesus, Joely. It’s 10 in the morning, put the girls away! Joely’s there to remind us that she is on a sitcom called Til’ Death with Brad Garrett. Why don’t we watch it? Joely thinks it’s because they’re opposite Ugly Betty. Or it’s cuz Til’ Death’s a piece of crap. They’re moving to Wednesday nights after the American Idol results show, which means we are stuck with Brad Garrett interviews and Celebrity Poker embarrassments for at least another season or so. Anyhoo, Joely survives in the biz by turning in annoyingly memorable performances in bad shows, and I give her props for that. Boobs. Sorry, but seriously. I can’t concentrate on anything else… (more…)

Written by flipit in: The View |
Mar
13
2007
7

Trash Talk: Tuesday, March 13, 2007

trash talk: Tuesday, March 13, 2007In today’s gossip, Mario Vasquez makes us recall his name again, Oprah cracks the whip on poor African children, and The New York Times shoves Al Gore’s Oscar up his ass. Good morning, Sunshine! (more…)

Written by flipit in: Trash Talk |

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